Monday, May 13, 2019

From The Interwebs - Speedy Judgement


Wednesday, May 8, 2019

Gay of A Certain Age - With Friends Like These... I'll Still Die Alone


As a Gay of A Certain Age, I really have learned to cherish my friends.  For example, there's my friend Kenneth Walsh, who took the time out of his very busy day to send me the above pic.  When he does stuff like this, it just confirms that he knows me all too well! 
Don't be too quick to judge! This photo isn't the message you think it is!
Do think Kenneth would send me this, just to rub my nose in the fact that I have totally let the latest season of AT HOME WITH AMY SEDARIS on Tru TV slip passed me whilst I was too busy for love?
He's not that cruel. 
He is simply saying I'm going to die alone.

Saturday, May 4, 2019

This Is Why I Am Single - I Am a History Teacher


This Is Why I Am Single; I'd rather put on a dress and sing about Mexican History than go out on a date with some guy who just wants to do tequila shots all night.





Tuesday, April 30, 2019

Gay of A Certain Age - A Clutter of Memories and Yes, Touch Me There Taco Friend!


Hello!  Had you forgotten about me?
See, the thing is, not only have I been too busy for love, I've been busy being busy!
One of the things I was busy with was rehearsing for CHICAS IN SPACE

It was a little bit of a rehearsal process for a one hour show, but it was such a hoot to do
and we got a new hunk to enjoy!

Something else that has been keeping me busy is decluttering my home!  I've been going through hell going through stuff and letting it go.  Before you ask, No, I have not seen the "Spark Joy" lady.  I'm afraid she'll get me to say goodbye to too many things. Anyway, one of my brilliant ideas was to take all my overstuffed photo albums, remove the photos, toss the albums and scan the photos.  My problem now, is I'm still having trouble throwing out a good number of the photos after they've been scanned!  ...Anyway, what that led to was me finding pics of myself from days gone by, when I didn't think I looked all that great.

Me, 1999

I don't mean to sound as if I think I'm Mr. Hot Stud, God's Gift To Gays & Instagram, which I do not.  I'm just trying to say that looking back... I was better looking than I allowed myself to believe.

Me,  1998



Obviously, I had some sense of self esteem that allowed me to play sexy in these pics, but that's all I thought I was doing; playing, pretending to think I was sexy, or in some other unposted shots, obviously spoofing sexy.  As I got older, I got even more self conscience.  In this pic from a Miami visit in 2003...
The entire time I was in South Beach with my friends, I thought I was so fat!  All my friends were lean & toned and I was embarrassed to be in my swimsuit next to them.  I wasn't necessarily crying about it and I obviously didn't stop myself from leaving my hotel room in my trunks and having a great time, but it was a little naggy thing in my head the entire time.

Now, I am the most out of shape I have ever been and when I pose for pictures I try to find clever ways to hide my belly or just suck it in really hard.  Don't get me wrong, this isn't about me looking back and crying about my lost body and, wah wah wah, I'm fat.  Well, maybe a little...

Getting back to decluttering my home.  So, another part of the process is the yard sale.  Yes, I was ready for this year's edition of Brett's Big Gay Yard Sale!  We didn't sell a lot but, we did have a big gay blast!

We even had a photo shoot right in the middle of it!
Here's a shot where you can see I'm a little uncomfortable taking a full body shot, worrying about my belly.

Regardless of my mild discomfort, I was still able to get out a few fabulous shots.  Here's the one that made the Facebook story.

And the group shot...


And while we didn't sell a lot, everything that didn't sell went directly to Out of the Closet.
So, our homes are a little less cluttered and we went out to celebrate!

Off we marched to Marix for tacos and Margaritas.


...And that's where it happened.  There, a man I find attractive (but unavailable) told me he has always found me attractive from afar and that he really has a thing for my belly. Then he quickly rubbed muh tumtums.  I liked it!

WHAT?

That was the the best thing to hear after fawning over my own old photos of me with a nicer body. (Yeah, I'm lusting after my younger self, SO WHAT?)

If anything, it's a nice reminder that no matter how I feel about my appearance, there'll someone out there who loves the way I look.

As a Gay of A Certain Age I learned that when I'm having a low self esteem day, all I have to do is flash forward to 20 years from now, find myself attractive, then masturbate.
Honestly, just masturbating always makes me happy.
...I gotta go, suddenly...

Tuesday, March 26, 2019

He Don't Even Know - Gimme a Red One!


Meet "Davi"
He's my fitness minded boyfriend.
Although he'll workout like a demon to stay fit, 
he just can't resist a cold Hawaiian Punch!
I asked him why he likes it so much and he said,
"Because it's so sweet,
like YOU."

I'll take it!
And that's why I let him give me his own 
Hawaiian Punch, anytime he likes!

Friday, March 22, 2019

Gay of A Certain Age - A Reconsideration of Romance and Love; or Who Was On First?


What is wrong with me?
See this guy?


 His name is Jim.  We held hands and made out & stuff for over 13 months.  We are still friendly now, just not stick our tongues in each others mouths friendly, anymore.  I always call Jim my first and only significant romantic relationship.  Then, I embarked on a project to make my home less cluttered (BIG MISTAKE) and I decided to clear out my photo albums- I took all the photos out and dumped the albums and am now in the very long process of scanning in the photos I wanna keep (which is all of them) and (trying to) tossing the paper photos in the recycle bin.  That when I came across this guy...


His name is Ed.  I forgot how we actually met, but I remember I really liked him and we held hands and made out & stuff  for a few months.



 I know it was a few months because of the photos.  I don't even remember why we stopped seeing each other, but I do know it wasn't a huge dramatic break up...  But why didn't I consider this a significant romantic relationship  before this very moment, 20 years after not dating much, not having more than one other boyfriend and starting a blog called DieAloneWithME.Com??  Maybe Ed and I didn't see each other every day, or as often as Jim and I did over that year.  Maybe I was just an ungrateful piggy and didn't realize what I had.  Maybe it wasn't all that great...  Hmmm.
Anyway, no matter how I felt after not seeing Ed anymore, I've decided that Ed is my first significant romantic relationship.  ...Especially because he was my first OFFICIAL Valentine! 


It's true!  He was the first guy to give me a Valentine's Day card and kiss me with full-on romantic notions behind it all.    I know that because he wrote it all in this; my first official
Valentine's Day Card.

No, I shan't let you read the inside, it's personal. (Has that stopped me before?)
And if being my first Valentine wasn't enough, he took me to my first (AND ONLY) Celine Dion Concert!! 

I know that sounds sarcastic, and I was dubious when he surprised me with the tickets, but I REALLY enjoyed that concert very much!  

Obviously, my friends liked him, 'cause here we are enjoying a game night of sorts...
(Geoff Meed having a physical Outburst)

Hmmm... I don't think I wanna ponder too much on why we parted, I'll just enjoy this nice memory brought to me by the horrifically bad idea of de-cluttering my home.

And yes, these did spark joy...



P.S. Astute readers may notice that my top pic and my other pic with Jim are both birthday celebrations for me.  Skeptical readers might ask, "If you were together for only 13 months, how did you spend two birthdays together?"  Most readers wouldn't give a shit... but I'll explain anyway.  I had two celebrations one year.  Jim had a nice dinner for me at Off Vine, where he invited some of my closest friends and a few of his lovely friends I still love and enjoy.  The second was a surprise celebration my, then, roommate Kris threw for me at El Coyote with my, then, boyfriend, Jim and a bunch of his own friends (whom were all nice and fun...)  So I'm not lying about this stuff, no matter what the surface appearance my indicate.   

...or wait... Did Jim and I start in September, with my birthday right away, then.. aw Crap!



Sunday, March 17, 2019

St. Pat Tricks Day!


Gay of A Certain Age - Little Nags are the Balmudo of the Psyche






Recently, I went home to visit my Ma, my friends Teduardo and family.


There was no big event or holiday, just an open weekend and some great airline prices comingling and creating love. Speaking of love, I immediately fell in love with Teduardo’s new dog, Bizbee!


He’s a recent rescue and a bundle of energy & endless kisses (that is until he decides to chomp the nose on the face he is kissing). After falling in love with Bizbee and making out with the other dogs I love, we did the usual things; we ate out, ran a few business errands, ate out more, went to the movies, caught Bill Maher’s stand up at The Historic Plaza Theatre, ate out more, ate homemade pozole when I picked up my Ma to take her to an art show in Las Cruces and ate out. The usual stuff.




It was a nice, quick weekend visit and then, I was on a plane heading home, back to the daily grind. On the plane, I felt a little melancholy nagging in the back of my mind. We had a good time, didn’t we? Everybody was healthy and happy, weren’t they? Bizbee was secretly tucked into my carry-on, wasn’t he? (No, he wasn’t.) Then I realized something wasn’t right.

When I was young, every Sunday was Grandma’s day. I remember looking forward to visiting my mother’s mother, Thomasa, when I woke up on Sunday morning. I couldn’t wait to get out of church, go visit the other Grandma (my Alleged Father’s mother and father, whom I loved, of course, but I had a special bond with Thomasa) and happenchance cousins of the week and then drive the endless five-minute car ride to Grandma’s. I loved being greeted by the revolving cast of crazily barking dogs along the fence line as we drove up. I endured the exercise of squeezing through the gate as not to let said crazily barking dogs out of the yard. Then, I would open her screen door and just walk in; it was always open. I’d be greeted by Grandma with a big hug (Sometimes I would talk like Aunt Oralia, imitating her trademark nasal “Hellooo, Tommy! How are you?”) If it wasn’t already on the stove, Grandma would get to fixing us all something to eat. On a not unusual Sunday, you could find my mother with her four kids, her sister Evelia, with her four kids and brother Alonso and his lovely bride, Bertha, all finding or making room to gather and eat in Grandma’s small three room shotgun style home. There was a huge yard on the side and the kids would all play with each other and the dogs (and usually some guest dogs), in later years we made soap opera and movie spoofs with my older brother’s fancy video camera. As I got into my college days I didn’t go every Sunday, but the full days continued with the great-grandchildren. Then, I graduated from college and moved to L.A. And there was the sunset of those happy Sundays. Age finally caught up to Grandma, she developed the Alzheimer's and was placed at the Sunset Haven where she could be cared for around the clock. It’s a natural and logical ending for the chapter.


On the plane the feeling kept nagging at me, I felt a little like I was a character in a non-existent spin-off show. …kind of like Richie Cunningham’s older brother, Chuck, going into the army and finding himself stuck behind enemy lines and having to dress in drag, pretending he’s somebody’s mute aunt, while falling in love with an enemy gas mask sales lady… That never happened, but I felt kind of like that… Then, I realized what my damage was. When I was in college and my Sunday visits were getting spotty, I comforted myself with the idea that this would continue with my Ma. My older brothers and sisters would continue to bring their children on Sundays and I’d be the childless uncle dropping in from time to time, like my mother’s brother, Bo. My mother would live in that house and that’s how it would be. But that never happened. My mother retired early to take care of Grandma, but when that proved to be too much for one person, Grandma went to Sunset Haven and my Ma stayed in her house. I had already moved to L.A., my older brother had moved to San Antonio, my sister, Isabel had erratic hours as a nurse and sister Julie & family always had sports events as participants or coaches on Sundays. That didn’t leave many visitors for my Ma. That’s not the way this was supposed to go! Sunday is Grandma day!

This is no actual tragedy. My Ma lives with my sister Julie, not the Sunset Haven and she enjoys days out and visits here and there, and it’s all nice. I enjoyed my visit with Ma, and of course, she loved her visit from me. I JUST KNOW SHE DID. Anyway, this post isn’t really about a Sunday tradition that petered out, it’s about the realization itself. That nagging feeling was pretty strong and until I was able to suss it out and move on, I was a bit haunted and not feeling whole. I began to wonder how many other things that are cluttering up my mind and heart are all related to events that never happened or things not being how I thought they were gonna be-

SIDE BAR!!!- All through high school I had one of those nagging feelings. I felt like I wasn’t doing it right and couldn’t be 100% happy or comfortable. I finally realized that I didn’t look or feel like I thought I was going to because when we first got cable, GREASE was on Showtime on endless rotation and I watched it, at least, 4 and a half bajillion times! While my issue wasn’t that I wasn’t bursting into song at any moment (Don’t think I didn’t) it was that my expectations of my high school experience were based on 30 year-olds playing teenagers! I’m fairly certain that I was aware that John & Olivia weren’t 17 year-olds when I was watching the movie, but something in my psyche absorbed the idea that I, and my friends, were going to look and sound as mature as Sandy & Danny and we would lead the kind of lives where we shared our secrets with each other, went to nationally televised dances, rode motorcycles, had PJ parties and gathered at the local soda shop. I’m also pretty certain that I literally expected a big carnival with game booths and a carousel & other rides in our football field on my last day as a high school student.

(I seriously thought this was gonna be me...)

I wonder if these little nags are strong enough to be debilitating. Could these little nags be stopping me from doing things I want or should do? Do I have a little nag keeping me from finding a partner/lover/husband/maid? I do not know. What I do know is these little revelations come randomly, but not necessarily unexpectedly. Not unexpected because once I realize there’s a nag, a little introspection and self-reflection will help draw the nag to the surface and identify the root. OMG! Is this why people go to a therapist??? Wow. All this time I’ve been my own therapist and didn’t even know it! Think of all the money I’ve saved!

As a Gay of A Certain Age, I’ve learned that melancholy and a lack of feeling whole can be addressed by figuring out what I am feeling and why. I’ve also learned that you can’t force this stuff, it comes when it comes. Finally I’ve learned, no matter how many times a person has seen GREASE, their life will most likely be like GREASE 2. …And I’ll take it!


Plus one more shot of me and Bizbee 
It's LOVE!

Tuesday, February 26, 2019

He Don't Even Know! - Thank You For the Music


Meet "George"
I fell in love with him because of his spontaneity!
He's always whisking me away on
sudden adventures
and always says what he thinks & feels.
I love it!

In this moment,
a song popped into his head.
He just took a seat on the sidewalk on Hollywood Boulevard
and sang away.
He made a few dollars, 
from passers-by
which spent on Vanilla Lattes, later.

The only bad thing is
he also expresses his sexual desires
anytime and anywhere!
So, sometimes
the song we're singing
is coming from behind a parked car 
or large cardboard cutout of  the cast of 
MAMMA MIA 2!

So, George, 
Thank you for the music 
and the song we're singing.

Tuesday, February 19, 2019

This Is Why I Am Single- Guest Column


One day, recently, I was on that Facebook contraption and I happened upon my friend George Unda's post, (He's an honorary DAB - Die Alone Buddy).  I thought, while I read it, that this is quite dead-on with the spirit of DieAloneWithMe.Com. and I think may help some of y'all that might be going through stuff.  In order to not be a spoiler, I will simply get to it.

George writes:

In my adult life, I’ve only had two mentionable relationships.

My first that lasted 13 years. (17 to 30)
My second that lasted a little under 2 years (30 - 31) But remained intimate friends for a total of 6 years.

While both were polar opposites on the surface, the deep kernel proved to me the they were very much alike in the dynamics that make us functional/dysfunctional.

My first was hypersexual, while my second was practically non-sexual.

My first was impulsive, crass, chaotic and fun, while my second was erudite, methodical and tightly-wound.

Both were intense in demonstrating intimacy and compassion, but both always ONLY did this on their terms and their way.

Both were incredibly self-observed, and lacked empathy and compassion when things weren’t about them. And both had a visceral cruelty and callousness when things finally didn’t serve their benefit.

Both, as I’ve come to understand now, are narcissists.

At first, this realization hit me hard. Feelings of resentment were mixed with feelings or realization and relief. And when I finally understood the correlation to my romantic choices in life, I came to discover something incredibly deep about myself:

I picked these men, not out of love, but our of familiarity for the man in my life that acted the same way. My father.

I became my mother, whom had/has spent all her life trying to fulfill the recognition of a man that barely gave her any.

My sister has done the same thing with her toxic and abusive husband, whom this very day has been the crux of our family dissolve.

So it was at the very moment that I discovered my tendency to search out “LOVE” in men that are so easily attractable, and so charismatic in getting you in their grasp when they want, but can flip on you like a light switch with little to no remorse, that was when I KNEW, that my happiness can and forever WILL only come from ME.

That knowledge, while complex and deeply seated in behaviors and traumas that will take years to re-direct, will and has allowed me to have the perspective of what real love is.

That is why it is SO much better to be single, respectable and on your own, than coupled, but very much alone.

My advice to you all this Valentine’s Day is, respect yourselves. All you single and coupled alike.

For those of you coupled and living a lie, and fearing loneliness, understand that breaking that fear of rejection and loneliness will give you new life, strength and happiness in the end.

And for those of you, single, depressed and alone, remember that you’re not alone. Your integrity is secured. Your value, intact. And you will neither sacrifice those or yourself for a lie, not until you are at peace to find true love, without rush, without desperation, simply out of blithe happenstance.

Wednesday, February 13, 2019

This Is Why I Am Single - Craft Night 2019 - The Cards


This Is Why I Am Single; I would prefer to stay in on a Saturday and craft Valentines for nobody with friends, than go out and look for love (And somebody to give a Valentine to.)

I think I've been doing Craft Night for 13 years and it's grown into a lovely tradition for many folk and I'm glad to do it.  Aside from the therapeutic elements, like cutting out shapes and exercising the creative part of our brains, it is a great opportunity to see friends, catch up and laugh.  Unfortunately, the actual event can get a bit crowded and I get busy playing host and making sure that everyone is taken care of with materials, drink & stuff, so I don't get to actually craft much during.  I sometimes craft a little before, if I'm set up early and I always craft for a few days after, as I slowly tear down the set up.  That said, sometimes I'm struck with inspiration and I must sit down next to a pal and knock one out.  Once in a while I'll make a naughty card, but lately I've been trying to craft clean, because if I do actually send out a card, it'll be to my Ma- and she don't need no naughty card. 

This year, I was fairly clean:



Those aren't really suited for my Ma, so I went with one I made last year:

It's clean & simple, mayhaps a little elegant?

Anyway, while I have been moving toward cleaning up mu act, it seems everyone else has taken the challenge of seeing how naughty they can get!  The naughty ranges from a little innuendo to straight on pornographic.  ...so much so, I wonder if I can actually post them here...
What do you think?

 Jared 


 Dudley


 Kevin


 Mike


 Barbara


 I'm not Sure


 Mike


 Glenn


 Dudley


 Natalie


 Mine


 Dudley



You can see the much naughtier ones here