Eat Me

P.S.

This is why I am single

 

This Is Why I Am Single - The Unflattering Shot To The Heart 2

 

It happens to everyone on social media, every so often, but this one is so egregious, I just had to share...

You might remember that time I posted about my photographer friend, Dusti Cunningham, posting a pic of me from an event where I was squished awkwardly between two people... if not HERE'S a reminder.

After that, I made peace with the fact that I can not control every image of me that appears in social media.  I also made peace with my less than International Male model body and the many angles by which it can appear to be larger or weirder in places than it actually is... 

Even that didn't prepare me for this horror...

Speaking of horror, it all started with me popping over to the Ace Hotel theater to see THEY/THEM

with muh DABs, Dennis Hensley & Glenn Gaylord.  It is a horror movie with a twist, wherein maybe the LGBTQIAs aren't the victims we're used to seeing. (Mini Review: While it didn't break any new ground except for turning the tables, and isn't a bold new take on slasher movies that some hoped it might be, it was an entertaining enough gathering of Dead Meats and kills, much like the many other slasher movies it means to emulate.  It could have been gorier, but I thought is was alright.)

Anyway, it was a the OUTFEST closing night feature and the theater was abuzz with film makers, the movie's cast (including Kevin Bacon) and a bunch of gays. One of the gays there that I know was Greg Hernandez of GREG IN HOLLYWOOD.  We shared our excitement for the movie we were about to see and caught up on recent stuffs and then Greg snapped and posted this pic...

Now, I'm not angry or upset with Greg for posting it... I just thought it was worth mentioning how unflattering it is.  First, there's the harsh shadows and highlights, offering no forgiveness in facial features or body bumps.  Then there's the indeterminant look on my face, like I was puzzled to be happy... The pièce de résistance has to be the "Bun in the Oven" appearance of my tumtums.  I know I have a belly, and sometimes I have the presence of mind to suck it in when there's a camera pointed at me... in this case, I scooted up to the edge of my seat, but turned & slouched a little back to keep from blocking Dennis in the picture and, apparently, carried a child to term.  I look like I'm pregnant, along with the boobies for feeding.   Honestly, I'm not fit, but this is a bit exaggerated because of the weird way I contorted my body for this shot.  I see this and ask myself, how am I ever going to find someone who's attracted to me, if I keep forgetting my America's Next Top Model challenges training??

Was this really my best shot this week?  UGHHH!

Again, I'm looking at this with humor, because if we take this social media stuff too seriously, we could really fuck ourselves up obsessing over every post that includes us, that we can't control.  I try to choose to enjoy the moment and worry about secondary factors, later.  Like 3 hours later, when I see the photo and OOF, it hits me like a punch in the ample gut! ..but in a good way, like in the movie DODGEBALL.  Also, if this pic scares off any potential suitors, then so be it, who needs someone who's gonna obsess over their images AND mine, to boot?  Ain't got time for that nonsense. 

Meanwhile, I posted this pic,

Which Greg might have said he found quite flattering,  You're welcome!!
I hope you get a husband, a rescue pup,  a subscription to Hulu/Disney + and a fancy house on a private beach with great lighting from this picture, GREG!!!!!

(That may sound mean and resentful, but wouldn't it be neato if you actually did?)

This Is Why I Am Single - Words With Fish

As a Dying Alone, one of my favorite pastimes is playing Words With Friends with friends.

Sometimes I play Words With Friends with friends' friends.

And I've actually met people through this game, like Dan from Melbourne, who's my friend Dennis Hensley's friend.

We played the word game for a year or so, then I met him in Melbourne when I went to Australia.  We had a great time!  ...Except a few hours after I ate a glutenful bun at Huxtabuger...

It wasn't their fault. We went there specifically because they had gluten friendly buns, but in the excitement and gabbing I forgot to order the bun... It's a messy story you really don't need to read about.  The point is, I met Dan on Words With Friends, then I flew across the world and met him in person.  If you would like to see other delicious Australian men I met/saw in Australia, click here.

All that is to say that I'm open to meeting new people, even on a game platform.
Cut to me seeing I have a message from a new opponent named John W Nicholson.  He was a very friendly Military man who was playing with me all the way from Saudi Arabia!  Somehow he figured I was gay and confessed to being gay, himself, which isn't easy in the Military.

Of course, the first thing I did was look him up on the Facebooks.  He had a page.  Then, I Googled him and he popped up right away.  I read his story.  I thought this had a slight chance of being real.  One of the things that kept me in was that his English was exceptionally good.  I conversed with him as I would any single gay guy in the Military.

The second set of texts confirmed my suspicions.  He got too friendly too fast, hoping to prey on my Dying Alone loneliness.  I decided to have fun and continue with this Catfish game... and the Words With Friends 'cause I was winning.  (Disclaimer: I'm one to talk about grammar & spelling, please excuse my errors in texting - I have fat, impatient fingers) (Also, if you're having trouble reading the texts, click the pic and it'll enlarge)

 His English skills also plummeted, so I figured this was a team;  someone well spoken to get 'em on the hook and another to keep 'em on until it's time to reel them in. Anyway, I decided to find out, once and for all what his deal was, so I began to tease.

I wanted him to know I am frivolous with this newly won money!

I liked that he didn't seem to mind that I totally ignored his texts that gave away his game too soon.

 I was really having a fun time.

Then I turned into that girl in Kill Bill,
O-Ren Ishii: You didn't think it was gonna be that easy, did you?

That damn Wikipedia page!!

I was amazed that he thought that there was still a chance for this visit to happen.
So why not give a little more hope?

Then, I got bored and deleted him.

It's interesting to me that people fall for these "too good to be true" connections so often.

Can't people tell right away that the compliments and kind words are not real?

Who pops out of the blue to tell you they like you??

Or are some of these guys real?

I thought the This Is Why I Am Single was because the only guys who hit me up are fake guys, but it might actually be...

This Is Why I Am Single; I'm immediately suspicious of anyone who shows interest in me.

I'm totally right about this one, but I have probably scared off a few guys who were actually into me because I refused to believe it was real.  Actually, I think there's a good chunk of my friends I made work hard for the friendship because I found it difficult to believe that they really liked me and valued my friendship.  Wow, THIS is the big reveal for me- not that this Gay Military Guy is a Catfisher, but that I could be scaring away the all wrong fish!

That's just awful.

Well, apparently I have some work to do on myself, so I'll leave you with this...

Real John William Nicholson Jr, if you're reading this and you're really gay, hit me up.  I think you're cute.

This Is Why I Am Single - It's A Match!

Yes, I'm still on FU Cupid.  Hoping for a match and I finally got one!

CLICK

Fuck You, Cupid!!

This Is Why I Am Single - Torn Between Two Love Bears

Did I mention I went to Hawaii?  Yeah, I'm THAT Too Busy For Love  that I don't even have time to brag that I went to Honolulu, Hawaii over the Labor Day Weekend.  If I can remember in a moment of open time, I will post a brag post with photos, but what I'm here for today is to tell you about the lucky moment I stumbled upon a Bear Cruise!  Yes, sir!  What started as a lovely evening of drinks with an LA friend, who just happened to be there when I was, turned into a delightful desperate hunt for a future husband.

Whilst in Hawaii, I posted a few Facebook pics, like this one

and my friend, Skeeter, saw them and sent me a message inviting me out to drinks.  Who doesn't love to see local folk in a far off land?  I said "yes", and headed over to Bacchus, where I found myself in the middle of a LeiBear Day Weekend festivity, Rock-N-Roll Bingo!

Skeeter, presented me with a drink, a few Bingo cards and the 411 on the Aloha Bears.  They were a friendly bunch and one of the super cute ones... handed me this

a guide to the weekend's events.  I already had a lot on my pu pu platter, what with traveling with Oscar (Kay Sedia), his husband and their child, but I thought that the 3 hour bear cruise on Sunday, was just what I needed.  I decided, then and there, that I was gonna find someone to die alone with on that boat, or at least get leied.

Sunday morning rolled in and I rolled out of the condo and headed right over to Bacchus, where we all met to get on the bus that would take us to our boat.  Skeeter wasn't there and I didn't know anyone, so I tried to look friendly, but not stalkery (I did have my 35mm camera swinging around my neck...) & maybe cool, but not aloof.  I also tried to eat a banana without looking crazy.  I don't think it worked.  As you can see in the photo at the top, I spent the bus ride to the boat all alone.  I did introduce myself to two or three guys in the bar before we left, but those pleasantries did not lead to any bus ride commitments.  We got the the dock and boarded the boat. So we sailed away in Waikiki Bay.  I got a drink and wandered around the boat, seeing what was what and where was where.  Then I saw this fascinating back...

I thought, "I simply must see who's on the other side of that!"  I saw that the "who" on the other side was a handsome and hunky fella, whose attention, I probably shouldn't waste my time on trying to get.  I resisted taking off my shirt because, even though I was in the company of other shirtless men who are not model-thin, I was still battling my own body issues.  In the heat, I finally bit the bullet and doffed my shirt.  A few minutes later, the hunky back owner approached me and said he thought I was hot.  I think the inside of my stomach turned out, twisted in a knot, sang like Mariah Carey in an oxygenless chamber and flipped.  I played it off as if I heard those words from a handsome, hunky, hot, mother fucker every day.  I imagined I lifted my nonexistent sunglasses as I said something cheesy like, "what a coincidence, I think you're hot, too."  Before I knew it, Jimbo and I were buddies and I was following him down stairs to get another drink.

We were quite buddy-like for a good amount of the three hour tour.  I kept wondering how to bump it up to the next level, but content with drinking and laughing with Jimbo and the guys ...

I was having a great time, so of course I had to find a way to muck it up.  I thought, "Maybe I'm being clingy and following him around too much."  What with the sunny deck and the drinks being served the deck below, there was a lot of back and forth and me following Jimbo like a puppy that was starting to feel the alcohol.  I decided not to follow Jimbo down for one round.  I admired the Hawaiian scenery...

I took a few pics of the guys

I realized it had been a little while since Jimbo went down for a drink.  I convinced myself that he had probably gotten waylaid by someone he found more attractive.   Then, I calmed myself by reminding me that we just met an hour ago, none of us got on our knee to propose; we were not married. "Relax, have fun, mingle..."

In the past, I have been very reluctant to take my own advice on stuff like this.  My thought would be that this handsome, hunky, hot, mother fucker said he thought I was Hot and showed interest in me; I must stay by his side if I want anything to progress from there!   ...but it was Hawaii, I was loose with alcohol and it was Leibear Day Weekend.. So I let myself relax, take a few more pictures and landed on this guy...

I thought, "He's cute and looks like fun." So I sauntered over to him, introduced myself and asked his name. "Marty," he said.  "Marty?" I asked incredulously, "That's a made up name.  That sounds like the kind of name you'd make up so that people will think you're a fun guy."  And with that we were fast buddies.

Now, let me get a few things clear here; The Aloha Bears all seem to be nice, friendly guys. Also, it was a very loose and casual atmosphere.  And I had imbibed a couple of vodka/whatevers in the previous two hours, so I was feeling bold and confident... whatever the reason, I found Marty very easy to talk to and we were bouncing back and forth like Hepburn & Tracy or Dave & Maddie or Baby Kermit & Baby Piggy... whatever age range your frame of reference is, we were chatting up a storm and having a delightful time.  I found myself really attracted to Marty with an energy between us that I didn't quite feel with Jimbo. I thought, "If things don't work out with Jimbo, this is a great alternative!"   Things were going amazingly well for me... in my head.  Maybe it's because I was having a great time and had had a few drinks in me, I decided to share my feelings with Marty.  I said, "Hey, Marty. I think you're a fucking blast and I really am enjoying my time with you."  Which I immediately followed with, "of course, I saw Jimbo first, so he has dibs... and he is super hot."

It actually took a few minutes for me to realize what I said and how much of an asshole I was to say it.  Sweetheart that he is, Marty just laughed it off and we kept talking and laughing.  I, of course, felt like an asshole and wanted to jump off the boat as we headed back in, but played it off like I say asshole things like that to guys I feel a connection to all the time.

Then, the confusion set in and I didn’t know what to do… should I go back to Jimbo and follow him around like the buzzed puppy- noting that it appeared that he might have set his sights on another fella or should I go back to Marty with my tail between my legs hoping he could ignore my stupidity.

I stuck closer to Marty as we disembarked and saw Jimbo up ahead, loading on to the bus taking us back to the bar with the fella he may or may not have been interested in. All I knew was that he hadn’t waited for me to catch up with him, so I took that as my message.  I walked to the bus with Marty, chatting, appreciating that we’d sit together on the ride back to the bar, giving me a chance to do a lot of back peddling and hopefully make up for what I’d said.  Just as we reached the first open two-seater, Marty took a seat next to the single guy in front of the double, where I sat alone for the ride back to Bacchus.

This is why I am single; I'm not a player.  I couldn't get over the fact that the handsome, hunky, hot, mother fucker said he thought I was Hot.  ...But , that never happens!  Because I couldn't let that go, I let it get in the way of my pursuit of Marty, who was a better match for me- and who I started to like so much I had to tell him the truth.  That ugly, drunk truth is- if Jimbo had stood at the dock and said, "C'mon Kid, let's go back to my place and put some glitter on some coconuts," I would have released Marty from the mental bear hug I was giving him and gone with Jimbo to make glitter.  But would I being going with Jimbo because I was really into him or because this handsome, hunky, hot, mother fucker said he thought I was Hot?   And no matter what "could've happened or should've dones" my mind tortures me with, right now, I wish that I had stepped off that boat with Marty, apologized to him, took him to dinner and saw where it went from there.

So while I contemplate being Torn Between Two Love Bears, Feeling Like a Fool,

please enjoy some more of the pic I took on the boat.

Please note: While I learned a very serious lesson and felt like a jerk... I had a fucking blast!