This Is Why I Am Single - It's A Match!

Yes, I'm still on FU Cupid.  Hoping for a match and I finally got one!

CLICK

Fuck You, Cupid!!

FU Cupid - A Fading Profile With Gun In Hand

So there I am on the FU Cupid, back in June, when I see the profile pic of someone I find attractive.

Lured by the physical attraction, I click on his profile.  I like everything I read.  Could it be I have found the elusive, “Okay, THIS guy”?

Emboldened by my appreciation of pic/profile “Eureka!” I move on to the next step.  I send him a message.  Brief, but friendly and only slightly cryptic.

He responds in kind and in good humor.  Over the next couple of days we enjoy a very nice text exchange. 

We seem to be moving at an appropriate rate, both careful not to push to meet too soon, but conscious of expressing sustained interest.

Then, it finally comes about three weeks later, the “let’s meet” text.

He says he’d really like to meet me, but is going for an extended vacation in July.  I don’t have my calendar with me when I receive his message,

So I tell him, I’d be leaving for Palm Springs on the 12^th of June, kicking off a crazy schedule, but that I know I have the last week of June open, so I’d get back to him with a proposed date. He replied, "Perfect!"  Luckily for me, our PR guy Mike Pingle offered to share a ride to Palm Springs AND drive.  This proved to be the perfect opportunity to check my calendar and get back with “Okay, THIS guy”.

I thought, 'why wait so long to meet up', so I picked the next Monday night, but let him know other nights were available, if Monday wasn’t good for him.

That’s when I heard it!  The grand concerto of a chorus of crickets.

Crickets playing their little hearts out for days! Nay, Weeks!

I finally faced the fact that I had been ghosted.
You know me!  I rarely get excited about these things.
But, I guess I am part human, after all...

A week later, I have brunch with muh DAB, Glenn and fill him in on the adventures of Chico's Angel in Palm Springs, as well as my latest FU Cupid woes.
He asks to see the profile of my ghost and says, "Oh, yeah.  That guy..."
I was all, "What? What? Pray tell, what?"
"I went out with him one time," says Glenn, "He told me at the table he has horrible anger issues and is terribly bi-polar. Then, he ghosted me."

I felt a slight wispy breeze graze my temple as the metaphorical bullet whizzed by...

Boy! I dodged a bullet on that one!

It's crazy that this guy stays on the app and does the same thing, over and over, to different guys!
Is that any more crazy than my staying on the app, avoiding creeps and psychos, over and over?
Remeber when I wrote about it HERE?  At least that those times, I actually got a date before they disappeared.

Why do I even bother?

It's because I have HOPE, that's why!
Even though I know there's a good chance I'm going to die alone, I also know there's a chance, if I keep looking and working, that I will find someone who is attracted to me and gets me, whom I feel the same about and who will die alone with me.

It could also be because I forgot to cancel the auto-renew and just got billed for another 6 fucking months...

F.U. Cupid- It's a Zoo$k Out There

Alright, I'm not having much luck on FU Cupid, so when I saw a Top 10 New Dating Apps article, I just went ahead with their top choice, ZOOSK.  I hate it.

First of all, I posted a few pics that I think look like me...
This is my profile picture

I think it's pretty good; I'm looking directly in the camera, it's in focus, the background is only threatening to be more interesting than me, my smile indicates I'm happy to be here, fun & open and you can tell how fat I am by my face.  Nothing deceptive going on here besides a little color boost.

I set a up a profile, that could be better, but at least is very specific about what I like & who I am.

So, I set off on my new adventure, hopping on to the Carousel ride known as "Carousel" (If you're hep with movie references, 'Carousel' , in LOGAN'S RUN, was where people are spun around and shot to death when they reach 30 years of age, so to me, this is not a good thing).  Here, Carousel is where you click and either like or don't like guys based on only their photo using a big "X" or checkmark.  Immediately, I'm struck by the fact that there a lot of unfortunate looking fellas in my area.  I don't mean to sound snobby or Looksist, but so many of these guys look like they've given up!  I'm looking at a range between 35-60 and most of them have a look on their faces that looks like the wish they had opted for the Logan's Run Carousel years ago!  To be honest some of them might be more appealing if they had chosen photos that don't feature them in; 1. Sunglasses and hats (hiding them like some kind of kooky heroine in a 70's heist spoof) 2.  Pain (Seriously, some of the expressions on these guys make them look like they're passing a kidney stone!)  3. The middle of a convulsion (Shaky camera work, blurry photo... do they not know how to work a camera, decide what is a good photo or trying to hide something) 4. Swimwear that they should not be in (Usually, more coverage is preferred). 5. A line up at the police station (Some of these guys look like they just stepped out of prison, and not realeased for good behavior).

Look, I know picking a profile pic isn't the easiest thing in the world, but one should be concerned whether it is a basically good shot as well as one that conveys some truth about one's self.

Some of the basic mistakes I see are;

Distance Shots

I mean, c'mon!  I think you might be cute... the best I could tell from this shot is one's weight/body proportion (vaguely) and your next door neighbor is very kind for taking a picture for you from their living room window.

Bad Lighting

At least I know this guy has a head.  ... and central air (Bonus!)

Parts is Parts

The body parts shot is never more disturbing than when it is just a part of a face.  What's going on below the frame, you got the Alien retractable 2nd set of jaws down there?

Again, I hardly think I'm any sort of Adonis, but these issues in photos bother me not because I'm a photo snob (Which I am), but because they all occur for the one primary reason... they are hiding something.  I don't know if they're just shy, insecure or tricksters at heart, but I'm not attracted to any of those things, so I move on.  SERIOUSLY though, how difficult is it to get a well lit, in focus picture with your face in the middle of it???  

Then there are the ones whom I do find attractive, but are incompatible because their profile says things like "smoker", "fit for fit only" and the hugest turn off ever, "Straight acting here, looking for the same".  I can't believe people still write that shit and still don't know what it says about them.

Well, I did manage to find someone whose profile I found as attractive as their pic, so I sent him a message saying "Hi".  That's when the little window popped up "Upgrade if you want to know if he's read your message!"  Wait, I paid 59.99 for 3 months and that's not included?  I clicked on the button and found all these other NOT CHEAP upgrades that should be included for 59.99 (Which automatically renews!)   There is "Guarantee that anyone can respond to you" for 9.99 a month (Wait, I can send 15 messages to someone, but never know that they can't reply to me?- after paying 9.99 a month to know that they read message?) There's "Control your visibility" for 8.99 a month (is it worth that much to control whether a guy I'm not stalking can see if I looked at his profile?) There's "Boost your visibility" for 9.99 (Which implies that they are holding back my profile in some way- and that $59.99 is not enough) "Instant Crush" for 9.99 lets that person know that you like them when they randomly click on your profile, if ever. (So I click the star thingy to say I like someone, but they don't know until I pay extra?? WTF? Who the hell am I telling I like this person when I click the star, if not THAT guy???)  Of course, all of these boosts and bonuses renew automatically seperately, so you have to be on your toes or you could end up spending $100 on useless profiles & add ons.  I'm only slightly surprised I haven't seen "Cat In The Hat" which lets you know if the man you're talking to and really interested in is actually real or some being made up by the Assholes at Zoosk. "Anti-Vanity" for only 8.99 a month you can be sure that your profile is visible to more than just you!   At this rate, the stupid app should be called Zoo$k.

After this fresh hell, I've realized that OK Cupid isn't as bad as I thought, but still- this on-line dating stuff is crap- F U Cupid!!

F.U. Cupid - Coffee and Chat?

ME ON A DATE

F U Cupid - Camera Chameleon

I can't believe how quickly this year is going by... Cripes, I'm still editing photos from October!
That's one of the reseason I haven't gotten a chance to tell you about my new and supposed to be exciting life on a dating ap!  While I'm still working on that, I thought I've give you this little tidbit to chew on... it's kind of a This Is Why I Am Single deal, but it's all about F.U Cupid!

Why is it that when I happen upon a profile pic of someone on OKCupid that I find immediately attractive, he turns out to be THIS GUY?

I know, I touched upon it HERE, but it's nice to see I'm not alone on this.
And if one of my reader is someone who does this and I get him/her/mom to stop, then my work here is not enough.

This Is Why I Am Single - There You Go- A Guest Column

Here're a few words, from Muh DAB, Glenn Gaylord...


THERE YOU GO
A Die Alone With Me Dot Com Guest Blog
by Glenn Gaylord

I have a friend who uses a mental egg timer for coffee dates. After fifteen minutes, he figures he can know enough about someone to decide if he would like to see them again or not. Either way, he cuts things off and thinks things over. I don’t know if that’s called speed dating or if it’s dating on speed, but the older I get, and the more protective I am of my time, the concept intrigues me more and more. While I don’t think I want to adhere to the strict 15 minute rule, I definitely can get on board with not wanting to spend more time than necessary with someone who literally makes my skin crawl. Oh wait, did I just refer to my latest coffee date? Why, yes I did!

It all started innocently enough with a nice little “You Like Each Other” notification on OK, CUPID, aka FU CUPID. He looked handsome and from his description, he checked off all the right boxes and had a clear sense of humor. When I gave him my number, he actually called. Who does that? Our conversation flowed wonderfully and I actually looked forward to meeting in person. Could this be the unicorn I’ve been seeking? In a word, “NO”. In two words, “HE-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L NO!”

I started looking outside the LA area for dates, because, well, you know…LA = Narcissism and Sociopathy when it’s not offering up Flakes. Ok, perhaps that’s a bit harsh and unfair, but…no…fuck it…it’s pretty accurate. So this guy scored major points because he lived near Long Beach and was willing to travel up my way to hang out.

Then the date happened…and the score reset to zero almost immediately. Maybe he didn’t like me or didn’t find me attractive, which is totally fine. To each his own. But his first move was to sigh heavily as I joined him at his table. On the plus side, he looked just as good in person, but his deflating personality kept overpowering the stuff in the PRO column. I thought I would start out by continuing a conversation we had while on the phone. He had mentioned struggling with a job search, so I asked if there had been any new developments in looking for work since last October.

His response: “October? What gave you the idea it was October? I’ve been jobless a lot longer than that! Plus, I’m taking care of my sick mother, so maybe it’s for the best that I’m not working. I don’t know. But I do know I don’t want to talk about this anymore and if something doesn’t change soon, I’ll probably put a gun to my head.”

Apologetic, I said perhaps I had misheard him and didn’t mean to upset him. Trying to lighten the mood, I added that if he ends up getting a job or puts a gun to his head, at least we knew the situation would get resolved either way. I got a chuckle out of him. The only chuckle.

Moving on, I asked him what he liked to do in his spare time. “Spare time?”, he asked, “What spare time? I’m out of work and taking care of my mother. What spare time do you think I have?!!” Swallowing my pride and the sour taste of “Dead Date”, I continued to ask him questions in a futile attempt to reignite the spark that clearly existed on our phone call. I noticed, however, that he had no curiosity in me. If I asked him how many siblings he had, he would croak out a response but not ask me the same thing. Instead, I would just awkwardly interject my information, which would prompt from him the following retort: “Well, there you go!”

There you go? What does that even mean? It’s been a pet peeve of mine when someone I don’t know well says that to me. If a good friend uses it, the implication could mean they know you so well and what you said was another example of your uniqueness. But when a new person hurls it at you, it feels like they’re not listening, dismissing your statement, or just filling the dead air. He “There You Go’ed” me a few more times. Thus, on this particular date, I took it as my cue to literally GO.

Often, when ending a date gone south, I’ll typically make an “I” statement: “I’m not feeling a strong connection here” or “I don’t feel comfortable”. But, in this moment, I felt the weight of all my considerable baggage and thought I’d use a potentially confrontational “you” statement for a change. What the hell? New year, new methods! So I looked him in the eyes, the two that seemed to be rolling since minute one, and said, “You look bored”.

“No,” he responded, “I’m just tired from the drive.”

Tired from the drive? What does he use, a Flintstone car????!!!!

“Maybe we could go for a walk,” he offered.

This felt as good a place as any to bring down the hammer with a monologue: “We could go for a walk, but I honestly don’t think that’s a good idea. The moment this coffee date started, you’ve thrown a lot of negative energy my way and haven’t shown any interest in me whatsoever. When I would impart some information about myself, your only response would be, “Well, there you go.” It doesn’t feel good, so I’m going to pass on that walk and leave right now. Take care.”

Maybe, like my DAB Danny says, this is why I’m single. Perhaps I didn’t give him enough of a chance. Things could have turned around on that little stroll. He may have perked up and asked me about my upbringing. People have lousy days and surely a guy who takes care of an ailing parent can’t be that bad, right? All true, but at my age, self-preservation mode kicks in really fast. Tick tock. Tick tock.


I didn’t look back. There I go!

F.U. Cupid - All About Him

When I visit this site, which is usually only when I get a message from someone or the Cupidbot sends me a notice that someone likes me, I try to do it with an open mind.  I know I can be very judgmental.  I kept that in mind when I was creating my profile.  Instead of saying what I didn't want, I put up things I wanted, then lay little tests that would let me know if a responder "got" me or not; like my posting of a Kids in the Hall monologue for "What I Often Think about".  Anyway, I really get bugged by some profiles that immediately put me on edge.  Like this one:

(Click the pic, read for yourself)

I look at the profile pic and think, "My, this is a handsome fellow.  I wouldn't mind sharing a malted with him at the local five and dime."  Then I'm immediately turned off by the following;

1:  WeHo/Chealsea, you are simply not my jam.

     WTF?  I'm already disqualified because of my address?

     Or is he one of those idiots that lumps everybody into one category because he finds the behavior        of some people from the same area distasteful?
     Yes, everybody in this 1.3 mile area acts exactly the same way and should automatically be

      dismissed.  Besides, Chelsea isn't even Chelsea anymore, what with 8th avenue 

      invaded by banks, nail salons and drugstores & G Lounge closing along with mostly all the

      others... This ass has the nerve to bundle me in with whatever stereotype he has in his douchey 

      mind without having even met me and that bugs me!

2: "Oh and girl, please put a shirt on unless you're at the beach.  My personal value does not 

       rely on my physical currency"

      Fortunately, you can not hear me screaming like a rhino that has stubbed his toe on an arrant

      coffee table in the savanna.  First of all, the use of "Oh and girl..." sounds a lot like 

      WeHo/Chelsea stereotype that is not his jam, so he suffers from self-hate. Got it.  Next, more

       judgement on the guys who work out and like to show off and, perhaps give the impression that

       their physical beauty is all they have to offer. Listen, I very much enjoy seeing hot shirtless

      mens flaunting their pectacular torsos and may even get down right giddy if I were to receive

      attention from one of them, but still, ultimately, I'd have to consider if they have intelligence

      and personality to go along with it.  I certainly wouldn't attempt to shame them in my dating

      profile.  Also, I caught the switch half way through that critical comment.  We start out talking 

       about "those" people, then suddenly we are talking about him. That statement should either

       read, "... please put a shirt on unless you're at the beach.  I hope your personal value does not

       rely on your physical currency" or  "...I'll  keep a shirt on unless I'm at the beach.  My personal

       value does not rely on my physical currency".  Either he's saying he does not care for the flaunty

       guys or that he is not a flaunty guy.  When you smash them together like that, you get more of

       the self hate.

3: "I excel at connecting with people..."

       Finally, I get a chuckle.  Seriously, he's going to start his profile by shutting down people in 

       back to back paragraphs and then say he excels at CONNECTING with people??   This is the 

       worst part;  I get the impression that he doesn't really know himself- at least not as much as he

       hates himself.

Despite immediate impressions, this post is not written to simply blast this guy, it's to say that I wish I could go on to a dating site and read a profile without feeling attacked.  It's hard enough to get the rejection after approaching someone, but to get rejected by simply reading their profile is just disturbing. I feel like I'm being pushed aside on my own screen!  Luckily, I've been watching CRIMINAL MINDS for over a decade, so I know and understand human behavior.  I can suss out, that the matter here is not with me, but with him.  It's all about him.

F.U. Cupid - Can't Judge By Looks

I realize that I can be an ass about things, but come on!!   If you're going to have an on-line dating profile, you gotta have a photo.  If I get a message from someone without a photo, I immediately wonder what they are hiding.  If they are worried that I won't find them attractive, they SHOULD be!  I'm fairly sure that I wouldn't want to date anyone who didn't find me attractive.  So, hit me with your best (head) shot!  I might surprise you and find you attractive. So, let's get that out of the way up front.  Also, I'm not going to respond to someone I'm 95% fearing is actually Nathan Lane looking to get some--ICK!

Worse,yet, it really bothers me when someone doesn't realize I'm being as ass about things.  Click on the pic, make it larger so you can read the exchange.  I can't be with someone who doesn't KNOW.  I obviously went the rude route and instead of simply ignoring, responded with smart-asshole abandon.  Who would read my response and not think, "Wait?  I don't have a picture up, why do you say I'm good looking? Are you making fun of me, Rizz?" and then return the compliment?  I'll tell you who, the guy I'm not going to spend a dinner with, explaining my jokes, then trying to edit myself down to stuff I think he'll understand.  I know I'm tragically single.  I know I haven't been on a date in a long time.  Those facts are not going influence me to go on a date with some random, faceless guy, who wouldn't know sarcasm if it crawled up his ass and bloomed!  I'm not THAT alone.

Yes, he's probably a nice guy and I should consider that.  I did consider it and I also don't want to go out with someone who'd let me walk all over him.  I would have responded better to him if he had replied, "Ha ha, funny, asshole.  Here's my pic, so you'll know you were right without seeing it first.  Let's have a drink".  I really would have appreciated that.  And if he's a nice guy, who doesn't know any better, I've probably frustrated him and driven him to create his own blog about the troubles of dating.  Good for him, something to distract him from his inability to recognize sarcasm.

I'm fairly certain that I didn't hit "send" with my second response. I felt like an asshole enough with the first one and if he just didn't get it, who am I to make him feel bad for not getting it?  I left it so that with no response, there's a chance that I got hit by a truck and killed, before we could have a romance, marry and adopt faceless children.  I think he liked that better.

F.U. Cupid - Photo Snob

I've been so horribly busy during this heavy drag season that I haven't had a chance to sit down & blog for a bit!  I have, however, had time to suffer with messages from wannabe suitors on OK Cupid.  A few of muh DABs have had some nice dates with guys from OK Cupid, but I scarcely have.  I'm very dubious of on-line dating because I feel there are men out there who take advantage of on-line limitations.  Currently, I'm talking about the profile pictures.  Some guys use this to deceive or hide who they are.  Some guys do it to impress and some do it because they fear they are not attractive.  Whatever the reason is, it pisses me off that they want to invest time in exchanging emails forever, finally agree to meet and then get upset because they are busted.  I don't go for the, "I wanted you to get to know me before you judged me on my looks," excuse, because whatever they look like, I'll be judging them their lying and find it very hard to trust them again.  I'll have a 2nd or 3rd date with someone I don't think is terribly attractive, but is a great person, before I'll have even one with someone I don't think is terribly attractive and is a liar.  That is why I've become very adept at sorting these guys out, so I don't waste my time.  I'm going to share a few tips with you so that you don't waste your time, either, because if there's trouble in the pic, there's trouble at home!

Call me a photo snob, but I judge the profile from my first glance at the pic.  I think it's rather simple to have a good profile pic; it's well lit, clear and a plain representation of the subject.
Above is my current OK Cupid profile picture.

I confess it is a few years old, but it is a clear representation of me and if I showed up on a date with a little rounder face, I don't think anyone would be alarmed or feel cheated.

Here are a few things that really bother me about on-line dating pics:

(I've blocked eyes to prevent any embarassment on the subjests' part) 

THE HIDER

This is someone who doesn't need me to hide their identity because they do a super job of it on their own.  How am I supposed to know what he looks like if every one of his pics has him in sunglasses, a hat and a beard?  First off, I feel like he's hiding something; his age? his being on the FBI's most wanted list? his being possessed by a demon?  Either way, I know it's gonna take a long time to tear down that wall and if we ever dated and formed a relationship, this is the kind of guy where every week brings a new surprise; "You were married to a girl?", "You owe the IRS $120,000?", "You've never seen 9 TO 5??!!??"

THE DORIAN GREY REVERSER

This is the guy who ages, but his portrait never does!  He thinks you won't mind that he's 20 years older than you thought he going to be when he shows up for your Racketlon date.  You can usually tell a photo is way old when they are grainy, colors are faded, the outlines are fuzzy and Freddie Prinze is walking by in the background.  Look, sir, there are plenty of guys your age, who like to date people their own age, there are plenty of younger guys who love dating older men, but please don't try to make people think you're still 30 years old and get crushed when they leave you standing on the doorstep.  If these guys can't accept their age, what else are they in denial about?

THE QUICKER TOUCHER UPPER

This Glamour Shotz escapee puts out his own WANTED posters!  This guy is fast!  So fast that every photo of him is slightly blurry.  A a matter of fact, his skin seems really really really really smooth, his hair is darker than any other part of his body and his brows look very Siegel & Stockman mannequin-esque.  The scary thing is, they don't think you notice that their photo has been terribly re-touched to the point that it almost looks like a cartoon.  I suspect this guy tends to cover up a lot, but I prefer a guy who's willing to put it out there.

THE CUTE BY ASSOCIATION GUY

To me, this is one of the biggest cheats ever!  The guy with a prominently featured cute animal attached to him.  It's usually a dog, or most unforgivable, a puppy, that is used to get your "Awwww" factory going so that when you see him, you think you're "awwww"ing  because of him!  It's very subliminal and very crafty.  Sure, one of his supplemental pics could be one that shows he loves animals, but the profile pic should show he loves himself.  I'm immediately suspicious that if he uses his dog like this, how is he gonna use me?

THE GUESS WHO!

These profile pics annoy me the most!  I'm especially annoyed when they are followed by more multi-person photographs.  I'm sorry, but your 10 word self-description does not help me determine which one of these four guys is you. Sure, I could pore over your other pics with multiple guys in it and suss out the face that is common to them all, but who's got time?  Especially when I'm gonna end up thinking I'm gonna date your hot friend.  I think that's the bait in this one; it's "look at all my hot friends you'll get the hang around with if you date me."  Which is actually, "I'M NOT ENOUGH."  Again, it's good to know that someone has friends, but that should be one supplemental pic, not the whole lot and certainly not the profile pic.

THE DECAPITATED

Oy, this one!  

1.  If you're ashamed to be on this site..get off of it! 
2.  "My body is my only worth."
3.  "I don't really communicate well, but I know sex."
4.   "This isn't my body and you won't realize that when we meet, because you can't see my face."
5.   "My brain is exposed.  I have no skull cap"

I really don't know why someone finds shame in looking for someone on one of these sites.  Why else would they hide their face so obviously and violently?  If you have shame in finding love, then I hope you don't try to find it with me, because I have no time for shame or hiding like that.  I'll hide behind my sarcasm and passive aggressive behavior, thank you!  And you'll know exactly what I look like when I do!!

I'm not a trained psychologist, but I've watched all 11 seasons of CRIMINAL MINDS, so I think I've gotten pretty good at this.  So if you've recognized your profile pic in the ones above, I'm not saying you're a bad guy, or manipulative, but you might want to give more thought about why you've chosen the photo you picked to tell people who you are, and what you're telling them.

With mine, I think I'm telling people I'm a regular guy's guy, who's middle aged, probably ten pounds heavier than this shot, and thinks he knows it all.  What I hope they see in me is, hopefully, a person they'd want to know more about.

This Is Why I Am Single - Delayed Response

It had been sitting there since Sept 28, I saw it there and I just let it sit.
I have filled some space here, in my blog, about the trials of on-line dating in FU Cupid,
and I'll complain about other guys' bad manners...
This Is Why I Am Single, I let a message sit in my FU Cupid box for over a week.   I'm guilty of leaving this kid hanging waiting for a response to his greeting.  I hate when guys do that to me.
Here's why I did it.  I looked at his profile, it was sparse and he had one photo which looked like he was quite young and not my cup of green tea.  Regardless of my unattraction to him, I think it's generally good manners to at least respond with a "thanks, but no thanks."  I just didn't have it in me to write something that is disappointing and risks being arrogant.  I'm usually better about it, but I have let a few messages go unresponded.  The non-response seems to be an accepted part of the on-line dating thing, but I don't like it.   I think maybe my lack of viable suitors could be a little Karmic payback for leaving a few guys I'm not attracted to hanging.  Even if it isn't, I will try to treat others as I want to be treated.  As Glenn Close said I Fatal Attraction, "I'm not gonna be ignored, Dan."  I'd like to change that to, "I'm not gonna ignore, Dan" especially if you promise not to shoot me in the head in the tub.

Fu Cupid - My Tease Zone

So, there I am making my semi-weekly visit to F.U. Cupid
to see what's up and I see a message.  What?  Someone's interested?
I investigate.  The profile I see is not exactly the sort I pursue, mainly because the guy is a tad too young for my taste, but who am I to turn away the attention of a possible suitor.
I return his "Hello".  Then it starts...  The circuitous replies and non-answers to questions.  Then comes the "When can we get together?" from him.  I very directly say when I am available over the next five days.  His response is, "great I'll get back to you."  Which he doesn't.
Then a week after that, the usual, "Sorry I didn't get back to you, I got a little busy.  You still want to get together?"  At this point, I'm ready to say, "no," but I figure I got the time open, I'll give him one more chance.  I say, "This Sunday Evening".  He replies that he can do it and can't wait.  I am sceptical.  Over the next four days I hear nothing from him.  Sunday morning I text him to firm up a time.  I don't hear back from him until the afternoon, and then it's with more non-specific comments, keeping the event open, but not committing to a time, then finally "I can't. but I really want to."
That's when I cut it off.  I don't respond to any further messages about wanting to get together, from this little asshole.  He caught on fairly quickly, but come on!  It would be one thing if I had approached him and pressed him for a date, but he hit me up and I was generous with possible times to meet up.  Is it a sport for him and others like him, to tease someone or is he really that much of a flaky idiot?
I've experienced this so many times, I've been less patient with the offenders.  I always give the second chance, because I know things do come up, but I've become pretty good at picking up on the tell-tale signs that they are not really interested in getting together.  One of those signsd is when they call in the excuse without another date to offer, or they are evasive when you propose another time.
What's most annoying about the whole thing is their apparent enthusiasm about meeting up and excitement until the day comes and they blow you off.  I'd like to meet up with them, if only just to throttle them, but I'm more satisfied staying home and throttling my throttle.

FU Cupid - Tips

I am currently still down on the dating websites.
I still say FU, OKCupid!!
It's nothing new, but it amazes me how sometimes we'll hang in there
hoping that it'll get better.  Does it?

Here's an old blog with some tips for scoping profiles on these sites.
I think it is a heterosexual woman's point of view,
but they are all tips that apply to men of any orientation.
So, if you're new to the dating sites, or think you might be doing it wrong,
CHECK THIS OUT

FU Cupid - ManShunt

I'm not one to invest much time in the on-line dating sites,
and I'm even less likely to spend any time on the sex getting sites.
Don't get me wrong, I'm all for getting sex
and if I could just pick up the phone and order in exactly what I want (legally...and for free)
I certainly would.
Simply put, I find that these just for sex sites are insufferable, if not just downright damaging.
Now, it may come as a surprise to you, but I am not an Italian swimsuit model
who hasn't eaten in two weeks with 12 pack abs,  and it seems that that's what you need to be
in order for these sites to work optimally for you.  I'm not gonna get into "wah, wah, wah, poor schlubby me," because there's something I can do about my appearance,
I'm not even going the fantasy route and "Wah, wah, wah why don't guys super hotter
want to have sex with me?"  I'm just thinking, why can't I put my stuff up and shop around
without feeling like I'm walking an ISIS gauntlet.  Today, I'm specifically talking about MANHUNT.

I knew what that site was before I entered my email and started creating my profile.
The main reason I was signing up is I had a friend who seemed to be having great success,
he was encouraging me and there was a free three month trail period.

Despite said friend's advice, I put up my face pic as my profile photo.
SIDE BAR:  Said friend used his very nice & hot body pic for his profile,
got into messaging foreplay with another nice & hot body headless profile and when it
finally came to "your place or mine, let's trade face pics" it turned out to be
someone he knew and really disliked.  I like to avoid that.

My profile was honest and "what you see is what you get", with hopes of finding other realistic
average to schlubby guys.  If God created me for any reason, that reason is for me to tell you
THERE AIN'T ANY.
In any case, seeing as how I had only 3 months to determine whether this is a service I'd continue to utilize and pay for, I set off on my International Male catalog shopping adventure.
As some of you guessed, I spent hours scouring profiles, sending initial messages,
avoiding messages I didn't want and other frustrating activities for that one "Maybe" that
always disappeared by the end of the night.  So I stopped after a week.

Then, I was in Las Vegas for a weekend, still within that 3 month trial, so why not?
If I thought that it was disappointing to swim through the "no fats, no fems" at the end of
the LA profiles, I was in no way prepared for the wade through
the landmines of HOSTILE Las Vegas!
Most of the profiles consisted entirely of what they didn't want.  At least 90% started with,"no one over 30 years old!"  95% started with the phrase "If you are..."
I didn't even get passed the first page and already I was ready to jump out the 12th floor window.
Maybe the strategy there is that if everyone knocks you down to an insecure puddle of
goo on a multicolored, polka dot-diamond-paisley patterned carpet, then you'll just be grateful
for whatever you get if you're brave enough to approach someone.
I bravely stuck it out and I did get a response.  I had a guest in my room that night, who didn't
look quite like his profile pic, who was well over 30 and just odd enough to make this
former Story Whore, share something at brunch not long after.

During the three month free period, I had 4 hook ups, only one of which looked like his picture,
was a genuinely nice person and a fun romp.  As much as I enjoyed him,
I don't think it was worth the hours of torturous assaults from anonymous men letting me
know how much they didn't want me, without even having spoken a word to me.
I don't think that the three month was free, there certainly was a price that my self-esteem paid.
Lucky for me, my self-esteem has a strong survival instinct and it pulled me away from
my computer and into the streets, where the super hot guys are less likely to be so hostile to my face.

DISCLAIMER:  I've met and know some very nice super hot guys.  They are real.
...and they have faces!

FU Cupid - Venue wish upon a Bar

Even though I haven't given up, I sometimes play up that I have because

I don't get as many dates as I think I should.  Yes, I do like to be the one who is asked

because I prefer to know that the other  is interested and not just out  with me because

they didn't know how to say "no."  Despite that, the few dates I have been out on in the past year, I did the asking.

Of course, when you are the one asked, you generally don't get to plan the date.

This is one reason I think Cupid is F'ed up.  EVERYONE should be gifted 

with the ability to plan a date, but it seems many people have no clue

what makes a good date activity.  Sure, I've worried about the dates I've planned, 

but I at least thought it out.

This one date I went out on started well enough; we went to the Skylight Bookstore

and enjoyed a reading by one of my date's favorite authors.  

I had no clue who the author was, nor any particular interest in his book, but I did appreciate the reading and the surroundings.  We chatted as we waited in line to get my date's book signed and it was all quite nice.  That is until he got his book signed and I took their picture together with my camera.  After that, it was as if Mother Teresa farted.  There was a pleasant air around us, but it was just awkward.  He hadn't thought about what would happen after the reading and it was still pretty early.  I threw out some suggestions that he nixed.  Then, I thought, "Well, if the night's done out here, maybe we should go to my place and make out to my new Donnie Osmond record."  So, I made a no-so-veiled suggestion that we head to my place to bump faces, which he held off and said, "No, wait, I wanna go somewhere first."

I'll confess, I got a little excited because I thought, for a second, he meant House of Pies.  

To my confusion, we ended up in the parking lot of The Faultline.  A bar.  A gay bar. A notoriously slutty gay pick-up bar.  Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy spending time at the Faultline. I enjoy it when I'm with friends, out for a good time, including shameless slutty flirting and grab-assing.  I also enjoy it, when I'm out on the prowl, looking for a one-night-stand with LTR potential.  Not on a date.

Seriously, what is it about a guy that makes him think that this is a good place for a date?  If he wanted  a cocktail, there were certainly more appropriate lounges or neighborhood watering holes. Heck, we were 100 feet away from the Dresden- that would have been a fun & kitchy extension of the evening.  But, no, here we were at an almost abandoned leather bar (It was much too early for the party crowd and too late for the wasted day drinkers.) with a guy or two dancing on a box.
My mood shifted and it just got awkward, again.  Sadly, I don't think he even realized that I was not having a good time, what with him watching the dancers gyrate, and all.

I think he really was clueless when he dropped me off at home and I didn't invite him in.  

It was a bad date. 

 I think I was more confused than upset. Why was that?
Are we gays trained to think that the bar is the place where ALL the magic happens?
Isn't the bar where we go when we don't have a date?

I think it's like driving past the cherry orchard to the 7-Eleven to get some cherry flavored Kool-Aid.

I think I wrote this guy off because, ideally, I want to be with someone with more imagination and creativity.

I didn't give him a second thought. 

And I thought about the dancer on the box when I jerked off that night.

FU Cupid - The Sites

I currently have a profile up on OkCupid. I think it might be a little too quirky, but it's honest.
I might worry that I'll scare guys off with my Kids In The Hall quote for the I SPEND A LOT OF TIME THINKING ABOUT... section.  I think it's hilarious, but I suppose most guys are convinced I'm psychotically obsessed with some ex-lover named, Tony.  One very young would-be suitor sent me a message asking who Tony was.  I replied "We're all Tony" and got no response.  Sure, I'm scaring off millions of would-be suitors who don't get it, but think of the connection I'll probably have with the few that do get it and respond! ...the very few.  ..the none, yet.
The fact that my entire profile is some kind of test is a This Is Why I Am Single entry for later.  I'm here to bitch about the dating sites themselves.  My first target is OkCupid- Ugh!  I'm not a fan of on-line dating because I'm not into catalog shopping.  You know,  you see the picture, you order it and when it arrives, it's nothing like the picture!  It's not the right size!  It's broken!  It took weeks to arrive!  COD!  I much prefer window shopping.  You see it from the street, you go in, you check it out and then decide if you want to take it home.  No muss, no fuss.
I was encouraged by OkCupid because of the compatibility questions.  What a great idea; a series of general questions where you compare your answers with the answers of possible boyfriends!  I went nutsy answering a crap-load of them, (775 of them to be precise)!  I figured the more information, the better!  Imagine finding the guy that answered all 775 questions the same way I did! What a match!  The site takes these answers and matches them up with everyone else, so when you look at their profile, it automatically tells you the percentages of your compatibility- "Daniel Craig is 99% your Match; 1% your enemy" (The 1% difference is we disagree on favorite Bonds- he likes Roger Moore!). Not only do you answer your questions, you rate how important the answer is to you; "A little, somewhat, Very" as well as answers you'll accept; "Yes, no, Any of the above" to further help the analytics match you up! Very scientific for a site named after a Roman myth! This is going to rock!
Then, I started reading and comparing answers. The guys I thought were hot and compatible, turned out, not so much. The way they answered their questions started upsetting me. My Judge Judy response was on high! "How can you love dogs but not accept that I love dogs AND cats? How could it be THAT important to you?", "You think the Adam and Eve story should be taught along side Evolution? But your eyes are so gorgeous!","You're Republican?? But you said 9 TO 5 was your favorite movie!", "You're unsure if you enjoy dark, violent, or disturbing music, but you won't accept if I do when I'm in the mood? But your pecs are so big!"
I soon felt that the questions I answered were just 775 opportunities to think these guys are assholes before I even meet them! God only knows what they thought of me! I looked closer at some of the answers, what they are willing to accept and concluded that if one does not take time to read the instructions, it's easy to mess up the whole thing.  If it doesn't make sense that someone is ambivalent about a subject, but is so strongly opposed to your answer, they probably didn't click the right box.  It's all too detailed and delicate.  So now, I can't pay too much attention to the % of compatibility because I know they are wonky and the only information I can truly use to determine whether someone is my potential boyfriend is by the information they provide in their profile. Just like every other site.  So, FU, Cupid!  You're not so special!
And don't get me started on the questions that ask if you would ever be friends with a homosexual, or if you would ever date someone with a gay brother!  Would it kill a Roman God to, at least, figure the compatibility of their questions to their clients?  Fuckin' Cupid.

P.S. The above photo is my catalog shot- it is untouched.  I look like that, but I don't LOOK like that, you know?

FU Cupid

Like I said, I haven't given up on love.
Actually, the only event I hold in my home every year is CRAFT NIGHT.
Every year, usually in January, I invite friends over for crafting Valentine's Day cards and cocktails.  I put out a spread that would make Martha Stewart green with envy, then green with nausea as she studied the materials that are available.  There's construction paper, glitter, stickers galore, colorful popsicle sticks, abandoned boa scraps, random feathers, vintage V-Day cards, superhero schoolhouse valentines, post cards, magazine cut outs, pornographic magazines for cutting out and a random red alcoholic concoction that strikes my fancy two hours before folks arrive.
It's always a fun time, where two or three different circles of friends, meet or play catch up. The food is usually from Daphne's Greek Cafe, 'cause that's what the kids like and it's vegan-friendly.  The cards created vary from sweetheart, mom-ready to "oh no you di'n't", pornographic.  I tend to make both kinds.  Of course, I make the cards and have no one to give them to.  That's not the point!  It is a night to celebrate the love of friends and companions and cherry cream soda mixed with prosecco.
It takes a few hours to set up and a few days to take down... I like to craft a few here and there as ideas hit me throughout the week, leaving me the following Friday or Saturday to dedicate to cleaning up.  It's always worth the effort!

So, I present a few of my more ironic, or down right anti, Valentine's Day Cards for your viewing endurement.

' Cause I ain't fucking nothing else!

Goodbye, love Kitty

Right?

Finally, the card that inspired this blog...

BUT REALLY, I HAVEN'T GIVEN UP!!