Wednesday, December 30, 2015

Single Perks - Date With a Colt- UPDATED

I haven't received many concerned letters, so I'll tell you...
The last day of use is coming for my Colt Hairy Men 2015 Calendar!
I checked and they were out of stock with a promise to send one as soon as they were back in stock. That is UNACCEPTABLE!!  I must confess I got in quite a panic.  What am I supposed to do, take down this calendar on Thursday night and then start 2016 with no imaginary boyfriend???  Do they have razor blades & cyanide pills in stock?  They might as well just send those, instead! .  Why did I wait so long to order my new imaginary boyfriends?  Who else is buying these calendars?  You (all?) will be glad to learn that I did a little extra clicking and found another Colt Calendar that will be delivered today or tomorrow, via the magic of Amazon Prime.  Yes, thanks to my flexible tastes, 2016 will be a year's worth of imaginary dates with men in Leather.

Yeah, since I don't like to preview and be surprised every month, I'll have to assume the entire calendar is in black & white.  I prefer color, but don't be a pussy!  Take those grey tones!  Yeah, you like that chiaroscuro effect, don't you?  Yeah.  Hot!

Because I'm single, I can keep a calendar of leather clad/naked men in my closet without having somebody get jealous of paper rivals.  I don't have some insecure whiny puss saying, "Why do you have to look at them? Aren't I enough?"  I'd have to respond, "Frankly, unless your body & face morph every first day of the month, then, no.  No, you are not enough. However, your lack of shape-shifting ability is not the turn off, it's your inability to separate fantasy from reality.  Just because I oggle a photograph of a guy ( a photograph that is probably of someone that existed ten years ago and majorly touched up) doesn't mean I want to drop everything and be with him.  Who is standing next to me? Who am I living with?  If that's not what I wanted, it wouldn't be this calendar that drove me away from you."  Because I am single, I don't have to deal with that and I can enjoy my calendar, porn, movies, television, magazines, photos, walks outside and my unconscious dreams without having to deal with any of that.  Them's the perks!

Got it!

Sunday, December 27, 2015

Gay of A Certain Age - Snowballin'

While I am still in my home town in Texas, I am lucky enough to experience an old fashioned snow day, not seen in these parts much, at all.  It started on Saturday night, forcing the canceling of a friendly get together- leaving me and my hosts to pass the night with hot chocolate, in pajamas watching movies- literal Netflix & Chill.   This morning, we awoke to find almost a foot of snow had fallen.  I was very excited by it and decided I would go out and take photos of this rare site.

As I made my way around the neighborhood, I was struck by the beauty and saw this familiar area in a new light.  I had once considered buying a house here and regret that I didn't, a little bit.  I thought it would be weird to be paying for a house in Texas while paying rent for a place in L.A.  I just couldn't help wanting one of these adorable houses wrapped in a coat of snow to be mine.  Then, I started feeling wistful about having what my hosts, Ted & Eduardo have; a lovely marriage and a one of these gorgeous homes.  Then, I saw this guy...
Handsome and friendly, I imagined having him in bed, holding and keeping me warm on this snowy night.  He even shared all of my interests and tolerated everything else about me that he had no interest in.  My mind was a flurry of fantasy and longing.  What if I had stayed here and pursued a marriage and home instead of following my...  I'm not even gonna finish typing that.  I would be miserable.  I'd rather be alone, keeping warm with blankets & pillows, in an apartment in L.A. doing what I love, open to the chance of romance, rather than anywhere else. 
As a Gay of A Certain Age, I know that the seasons come & go and, sometimes, winter may seem longer and colder than it actually is, but when you follow your heart and dreams, there's always a stash of warmth in your happiness.  So, until I find "the One", I will ignore the "what ifs" and just frolic in the snow that falls my way
like the idiot I am.

Wednesday, December 23, 2015

Holiday Memory - The Play Was the Thing

I really enjoy the holidays
and I absolutely enjoy my friends, 
the two together are just too much
and I feel very lucky to have them!
This is me, muh DAB, Dennis and my cousin, Tony
seven years ago.
We met up and enjoyed the seasonal decorations at the Americana in Glendale.
Dennis and I had just seen The Rainmaker at A Noise Within
and we've been enjoying shows there together ever since!
I love that Dennis enjoys all kinds of theatre
and that we are tight theatre buddies
as well as Die Alone Buddies!
Tony is married, 
so he can't be muh DAB.
He's fine as a cousin!

It's just at times like now
that I enjoy all the love I have coming at me
instead of worrying about the love
I may be missing.
As they say,
"Two in the hand is better than
one in the brambles"
...or something like that.

Monday, December 21, 2015

Gay of A Certain Age - I don't smell bad even though I have EXPIRED!

This year, on my birthday, I missed a nice little article that seems to have been published just for me!  It's a good thing one of my DABs has a sharp eye and pointed out to me, only two months later.  Let's face it, I don't think this message will ever get too old to read.

As a Gay of A Certain Age, one must wrestle with the question of compatibility after a set age.
Is it too late? Will it ever happen? Am I meant to be alone? Who drank the rest of the milk if I'm the only one here?  Did I drink the rest and not remember..?  Anyway, I always appreciate words of wisdom from the Dying Alone, so here we have that article by David Hudson, published on my birthday, back in October; ENJOY!  <---click that.

Friday, December 18, 2015

Gift Ideas For the Dying Alone - Pet Sounds

One week away from Christmas and you still don't have a gift for your friend what is dying alone?
Here I come to save the holiday!!

As one of the Dying Alone, I don't mind eating solo, mostly because I worry I look like a weird lizard creature on the Serengeti, feasting after a year long drought, and it may be a turn off for anyone watching.  If you worry that your dying alone friend doesn't like to eat alone, may I suggest getting him some pet ants?

The best thing about ants is that they are low maintenance!  These little guys pretty much take care of themselves and keep each other company.  The downside is trying to corral them could be a challenge and very time consuming, but what else is your dying alone friend gonna do on a Friday night anyway?  When it comes to dinner time, these little fellas will put away quite a bit and they always clean their plate!  Bonus, they never interrupt you when you're talking to them, so your friend can spend the entire meal telling them how they thought their life would have turned out, without fear of eye rolling or sighs of frustration!  I must warn you to not get your friend ARMY ants.  They'll eat anything...  I mean ANYthing, including your friend.  Also, I would love to encourage you to, please, get your ants at an ant rescue, rather than a pet store.  Rescue ants are usually very grateful to have a home and are more loving.

Is your dying alone friend as busy as I am?  Does he barely have enough time to go on a date, much less read a book to have something to discuss on that date?  Here's a great gift idea, books on tape!  God bless the person who came up with this idea; someone reading a book to you because you can't pick one up and move your eyes!  Books on tape can be listened to while driving, bathing, staring at cracks in the ceiling through tears...  just about anywhere, any time!  Might I suggest a great biography?

Between the Dying and the Dead: Dr. Jack Kevorkian's Life and the Battle to Legalize Euthanasia is a delightful read on some doctor guy who was an intersting artist, whose style falls somewhere between Salvador Dali and John Wayne Gacy! I'm sure there's more to his story, but I'm only 12 minutes in because I'm too busy to even listen, but I'm hooked!! I'm sure your dying alone friend will love it, too!

There you go, another two great gift ideas for your friends who are dying alone.  I hope it helps!
Remember, you don't have to thank me, just get me a date!!

Wednesday, December 16, 2015

He Don't Even Know! - Pump Up The Jams!

Meet my "boyfriend", Jammy!
That's not his real imaginary name,
that's just what I call him 
because when I met him,
he got me to model some pajamas for him.
He was working at the Paul Frank store, 
and I was looking for something fun to wear to a Christmas party.
There he was, all shirtless, Santa-capped & sexy
and he says, "try these".
He tossed me a pair of footie PJs
with a flap at the tush.
I gave him a lost puppy look and he said forcefully, 
"Do it."
So I stepped into the jammies
and stepped out for his inspection.
He was proud of his choice
and said there's a gift with purchase.
Not one to turn down a free gift, 
I purchased the jammies and peered into the bag for my gift.
There was nothing but the blue PJs.
He said, "you have to come to my place
in these to get your gift."
Five hours later,
I was at his place getting a plug
for the tush flap.
It was a great gift!

It wasn't 'til the next morning
that he revealed that my PJs 
were actually from the women's section,
thus the snug fit in places,
which is why he knew he'd like to see me in them.
Well played, Jammy!

Tuesday, December 15, 2015

Gift Ideas For the Dying Alone - Go Fluffy!

The holidays are coming up faster than we'd like to acknowledge, and we're losing precious shopping time to doubts in our heads about what is a great holiday gift!!  I am here to help.  As one of the Dying Alone, I've taken great care to think, "What would I like as a Christmas gift?" and have some suggestions you may find helpful.

I spend a lot of time in my shower thinking, 'What if I slip & fall and hurt myself in a way that I can't get up and call for help.  What if I just lie here a while before I die?'  That's why I think all Dying Alones would really love a really cushy bath mat!

Imagine yourself, prone, with your face pressed against the bathroom floor, trapped there for a day or two before you finally bleed out.  What would be more comfortable than furry memory foam, holding your face, like an angel's hand?  And if it's absorbent, that's a bonus for the folks from the county who have to clean up the mess of a decaying body. (Lucky you're close to the tub!)  If you think it's not substantial enough of a gift, give several in various colors, who wants to die knowing for certain that the final color they'll see is beige or sea foam? Mix it up to keep the dying guessing!

Another gift idea inspired by my dying alone, comes in the form of somebody's departed beloved.
I live alone, without a pet, because I'm too busy for love or an animal that depends on me for his feedings and poopy breaks.  Wouldn't it be great to have a pet I don't have to worry about while I'm on stage doing a show immediately after my full time job?  How about getting a Dying Alone one of these?

A fluffy stuffed animal!  Not one of those childish, carnival toys, but an actual animal that can look at you with love with its real eyes!  This animal won't pee in the house, beg for food at the table or embarrass you by humping your potential suitor's leg!  Look at that face!  I just want to take this stuffed chihuahua ( ? ) , and place him in bed with me to cuddle & keep me warm on these chilly December nights.  Best of all, he won't sneak up from behind and lick my feet during sex! (That's a task I'd like to save for my fella!)  This is a bundle of unconditioned unconditional love that would make any Dying Alone happy.

There you have it; two great gift giving ideas for your companionless friends!
...or yourself, right?
You don't have to thank me, just get me a date!


Sunday, December 13, 2015

Too Busy For Love - One In The Queue

The parties continue!  I really do enjoy seeing my friends and catching up with them.  I also enjoy seeing new guys and wondering if we'll ever be boyfriends one day.  I am fortunate to have such places to go!
I also did my show and it went well, despite stepping on a mic cable in my 7 inch heels, luckily I was able to roll my ankle with the shoe and not fall over or have the shoe fall off!

While I enjoy these social gatherings and performing, I can't wait for these obligations to be over because I have one in the queue!!  That's right.  Whilst dining with muh DAB, Glenn, I kept locking eyes with the very handsome guy behind him.  He had really beautiful eyes and a delightfully full beard.  It was hot, nerve racking and undeniable.  So, when I saw the waiter bring him his check, I stood up in the middle of Glenn's sentence, walked over to him, introduced myself and gave him my number.  He has since contacted me and we are interested in meeting up, but his schedule is like mine, at the moment.  The goal for me now is to not let this iron get cold.  

Even if this fizzles away, I am still proud of myself for my Gaychievement; actually getting up and making a move. 

I'd love to tell you more about it, but I'm too busy!!

But thanks for asking!

Friday, December 11, 2015

Too Busy For Love - Yule Tidal Wave

I'd love to go see that funny/scary Christmas movie with you, but I'm too busy!!
There's a Yuletidal wave of activity heading my way!  You see, I had my Office Holiday Party to go to, then I shot a little actory thing with a friend, then I had to rush off to a party...

After which, I had to scurry off to another party with completely different people and different shirt!

Then tomorrow I have a brunch, then rehearsal for a show, then another party, then I perform in Kay Sedia's Christmas show!

Sunday, I have another event or two, so I couldn't possibly join you at the movies.
But thanks for asking!

You can get tickets to Kay Sedia's show HERE
I'll be a guest at the Saturday 10:00 show- Dec 12

Tuesday, December 8, 2015

Getting Out - Jackie Beat's Kramps

Sunday night I might have sat at home staring at my four foot Christmas tree, but I thought, "No, Danny, get out!"  So, I took a shower because I was happily enjoying my time alone in my home, in my underwear...  Then I hopped in my car with hopes that I would get in to see Jackie Beat's Christmas Show at the Cavern Club Theater.
I was in luck and got in to enjoy Jackie's brilliant song parodies, in fab voice and a warm up by the delicious Deven Green.  I had a great time, but was disappointed that I could not get a photo with Jackie after the show, since she had a second show to prep for.  I'll just post this one of us in the early 2000's at Barracuda in Chelsea.

After Jackie's show I headed over to The Eagle, where I could enjoy a little quality time with Krampus!

My friends, Billy & Barry, let me know they would be there for Lumberjacked and thought it would be fun if I dropped by.  SPOILER ALERT! It was!!

I enjoyed a playing "Catch Up" with the guys as well as all the beardy hotties all around me, and because they had no Campari on hand, I also enjoyed a few Gin & Tonics- my go to at this time of year because it tastes like Christmas trees!  Then it got all spewky when Krampus showed up!

He stormed into the room and swooped me up into his hairy arms, then bent me over and spanked me!
I must confess, I got a little hard.

As the night wore on and Krampus' spanks' stings wore off, I decided to get my last Gin & Tonic.  It was there that I met, HIM.  He was a cute guy and he called me handsome.  Then, I realized he was drunk.  I figured, since I am a nice guy, he was probably safer with me.  Plus, he was really aggressively into me. Next, we're in my car headed to his place because he ride-shared there, then he made his first error.   He complained about being his age and not having someone.  He was all, "Look, I'm 36 and I don't have anyone.  Isn't that sad?" To which I replied, "I'm 48."  I would have been more clever, but I was driving.  He replied, "You ARE?" I guess he wasn't more clever because he was drunk.  I enjoyed the delicious awkwardness for a little bit, then the aggressive flirting resumed.   He lived in a nice apartment with a mysterious roommate who opened the door for us and disappeared into a bedroom before we were even half way through the door.  Then, we got neked in his bedroom.  I wish I could say that we had a whirlwind sex session that resulted in my quitting my job and moving all of my prized Dunnys to my side of his bedroom, but no.  I think the drunkness started setting in and he started in with the "I'm 36.  I think I'm ready to settle down and have children.  Don't you think we should?"  Then, while I was continuing to get the fun neked stuff going, he kept calling me, "Sir".  No, it wasn't a sexy thing, I think it was because I am 12 years older than him, but it sounded very much like an usher at the Lunt-Fontanne telling a tourist that he's not allowed to take photos in the theater.  Don't get me wrong, he's a cute, nice guy, but as he settled into his drunk, he got more needy.  All I could think was, "I gotta work tomorrow."  So, I pressed fast forward on the neked play, got my jollies and let him give in to that sleepy feeling.  With one last, "Sir, come here.  Come here.  Sir..." I lay next to him until he was asleep, then slipped my clothes on and slipped out.

It's been quite a while since I've had a bar hook up and I can't say that I'm proud about sneaking out, but isn't that how most of those go?  Isn't that why they are more rare, now?  I don't miss those.  It wasn't a bad time, but it would have been nice if I had enjoyed the night without being reminded about being alone in such a sad way.  I felt sadder for him than myself, because I don't mind it so much, but he sounded like it's something that's gonna weigh on him for a while.  Or, maybe, my confidence and bravado gave him a little hope that even if he's single for 12 more years, it'll be okay.

Sunday, December 6, 2015

The Trials of Man Solo - If a tree is decorated in the forrest and no one sees it...

Earlier this year, I overheard this exchange between me and me immediately after I took down my Christmas tree;

Me:  Oh, Crap!  I wanted to take a picture!
Me: Why?
Me:  No one saw it.

I put up my Christmas tree today!  By golly, I swear someone besides me will see the dadburned thing this year!  Yes, this will encourage me to have more (any) interaction with folks! (Mostly guys. Mostly gay guys.)  So, even though I have nothing on the books I decorated my place a little.
I started with the tree.  I let my friend, Superman help...
(Don't worry, we don't actually talk to each other.  He's just a big toy.)

We hanged the ornaments with care.

I also put out my Holiday Dunnys...

and a few more vinyl toys

All in an effort to make my place a cozy, colorful, holiday home.
Heck, even my Broadway posters are holiday themed (Including the Broadway Bares one...)

Alas, these are the Trials of Man Solo; Sometimes all the decorating you do for holidays or special occasions is solely for oneself.  I do enjoy decorating for myself, because I deserve celebration just as much as anyone else.  But, it is nice to share the fun isn't it?  So, let's hope I'm not Too Busy For Love this season and get at least one, eligible man-suitor to see my tree!  

Friday, December 4, 2015

Single Perks - I'll Tell Goofy You Say "Hi"!

I told a co-worker of mine that I'm planning to take a day off and go to Disneyland before my pass gets blocked out for the holiday season.  She looked at me with envious eyes, if not for taking the day off, then for going to Disneyland.  She hasn't gone as much as she used to.  You see, she's married and has children.  Most would agree that she and her family are Disney's target market, but with the recent hiking of admission, starting at about a no frills $100 a person, a park visit is a rare treat nowadays.  Poor married couples with children! $400 dollars for a single day AND single park is scary, whereas $100 for a single gay is not so bad, and less than a Broadway show!  Lucky me!  I bought an annual pass and it will pay for itself in 6 visits!  See, as a single gay, I don't have to worry about how much I'm going to have to sacrifice to help other have a nice time.  With the annual pass, all I really have to worry about is what I'm going to eat!  Disneylanmd has helped me realize that a little splurging can be enjoyed more often than if I had a partner and/or children.  I can do this whenever I want; them's the perks!

Thursday, December 3, 2015

The Trials of Man Solo - The Lights Are On, But There's No Heart Home

I've been wrestling with something for the past couple of weeks and it's almost driven me to distraction.  In a previous post I wondered if I could ever become one of the homeless folk we see on the street every day.  Heck, my last post was about being with and having friends I know won't let me die alone.  I am very lucky.  Am I also a hypocrite?

Here's my thing, I have a former co-worker with whom I had socialized a few times while he worked with me and dog sat his cute doggies a couple of times.  He hasn't worked with me for a few years and he seemed to drop off the face of the earth, I took notice when his Instagram went suddenly quiet.
Well, when I was in New York in October, I got a text from him saying he'd made it out of the desert with his two dogs and needed help to feed them (and himself).  I replied that I was in New York and couldn't help him.  I spent a good portion of my trip wondering what had happened to him and how he ended up homeless, living in his car.  Last I knew, he owned a fabulous loft in downtown L.A. and had inherited a nice chunk.  I also know that he has a wealthy family, along with a very well known artist cousin, with whom he was close.  And what the hell was he doing in the desert? Who is he, Moses?  I didn't hear from him again, until I was back in L.A.  I got a text during a Chico's Angels rehearsal about how he needed help because the car he is living in got towed.  I sent a text out after rehearsal to see how the situation was, but I didn't hear back from him.  I discretely discussed the situation with a co-worker asking advice (really asking for absolution) and I learned a lot about this fella I didn't know before.  Nothing too damaging, just tidbits about his behavior and life that I had no idea about.  It dawned on me that I really didn't know him very well.  I had known him well enough to know I thought he was clinically manic-depressive and wondered if he had gone of his medication.  I wondered how bad it had gotten if his family wasn't stepping in.  Then the guilt started setting in.

I always thought I would be The guy You Could Turn To.  I thought I would never be the one to let one of my friends go homeless in the street.  What the hell?  Then, last night I got a text from him, plainly stating that he was between residences and he needed a place for him and his dogs (which I have learned are pitbulls, one of which has bitten a person).  I'm ashamed to say I didn't immediately call him up and say, "Yes, please stay with me as long as you need!"  instead I just stared at the text, frozen as my brain overtook my heart and said, "Don't you dare!"  My head told me that this guy's problems were bigger than I had the capacity to help.  It went on that I didn't really know him, I had no idea what has happened to him in years and I didn't know what his stability was, as far as his medication.  Then, my heart pleaded to offer to take his dogs in, while he worked his situation out.  My head was quick to retort that I also didn't know his dogs, except that they are pitbulls, one of which has bitten a person. I don't think pitbulls are automatically killers, but I have no idea what their background is or how they have been treated.  I live in an apartment complex with many dogs (I may be the only tenant who doesn't have one) and I couldn't possibly take on the responsibility for their behavior, especially if they hurt one of the neighbor doggies.  My brain was cruel and said, "Once you let in a little crazy, you're taking it all in and it'll stay and damage you. DO NOT RETURN THAT TEXT."  So I didn't.  I just sat guiltily watching television hoping that he has found someplace.  Also, wondering, what if that was me?

Such are the Trials of Man Solo, learning to live alone, hoping not to live alone on the street.  Hoping that your friends have more compassion than you do.  I have no idea how to feel about this.  Am I strong for protecting myself, or am I weak for being selfish and not ignoring the very possible detriment that could come from taking in a manic-depressive person, possibly off his meds and/or addicted to drugs.  As I type that out, my brain is saying, "REALLY?", but my heart still quietly asks, "What if that was me?"

If he worked with me, he's heard of this.
If he's reading this, then please, go to PATH.
There is help for the homeless there.
I don't think I can help you with this the way you need to be helped.
Please help yourself.  Call.

If You are Homeless and/or Need Assistance
Call: (323) 644-2216