Should I be worried? Remember how I said I was going to be doing the Mismatch Game a few weeks ago? I posted about it all over the social medias! July 23, 7:00 PM..?
I posted this everywhere Sunday morning...
Then, sometime in the afternoon, feeling kind of sleepy, (exhausted from hiding from the sun in my dark apartment all day, I suppose) I decided I would take a nap at about 5:30 to 5:45/5:50. That way I could get in the shower at 6:00, leave at 6:30 and be at the theater with an hour to get ready. It was a great plan to be sure! It wasn't until I arrived, unexpectedly finding no parking that I thought, "Why isn't there any parking? I'm here an hour..." Then I got that feeling, you know, like my stomach flipped and someone punched me in the chest. I was there with only ten minutes to show! I drove around the block in a rush, parked in front of the LGBTMNLOP Center at a space marked, "No Parking Anytime. Tow Away", knowing that it was Sunday, hoping it wouldn't be enforced. I grabbed all my crap, including make-up, costume, wig and props. In a tizzy, I frantically banged on the door closest to the theater entrance. I stumbled in a heated rush in front of everyone in line, waiting to get in. I scrambled into the dressing room shouting, "Who's on time, if the show is in an hour?" I apologized to the rest of the cast and Dennis ( Who must have been very stressed out, what with one of his panelists nowhere in sight a few minutes before curtain without so much as a reassuring call or text...) I threw my crap on the dressing table and floor and did a quick character prioritization in my head; what is most important? I actually ended up getting in character completely backwards; I put on my dress, checked for time; Put on lipstick, checked for time; Put on eye lashes, checked for time; Put on eye shadow, checked for time; Put on blush, checked for time; put on base make-up around blush, lips and eyes, checked for time; put on eye liner and mole. IT WAS TIME! I managed to get some version of Reba together, slapped on my wig and headed for the stage. It really got my juices flowing! Fortunately, I did well on stage and fun was had by all.
I'll tell you, so many things were going on in my head as I swirled into make-up... I was regretting being late and worrying Dennis, hoping he wasn't too angry with me. I couldn't ask them to hold the curtain for me because it was all my fault: I didn't have the luxury of worrying about how I'd look; my ego had to take a backseat to my sense what was right. I kept thinking of ways to explain my appearance on stage, if I ended up going on in just a dress and wig, no make-up. If necessary, I thought I would explain that Paris Hilton had used my eyeliner without permission, then when I used it my entire face stared burning, so I had to go without make-up for a few days. Luckily, I looked enough like my character that no explanation was needed. I have to credit that to a fortitude I didn't know I had. It never occurred to me to give up and not try to get into make up and sit the show out, or delay the show for my regular get ready time (about 40 minutes). All I could think was to get as much done as I could in the time I had and get out there. The top picture is me in the show, not bad looking. If you look closer you can see how jacked up the stuff really is, but it all worked out.
What worries me is that, as a Gay of A Certain Age, I have no idea why I forgot the show was at 7:00 and not 8:00! Did I have a "senior moment"? Am I losing my beads? ( I wasn't much into marbles as a kid) All I know for certain is, it's a good thing I didn't realize how late I was until I was there and looking for parking (by the way, my car was not towed or even cited!), because if it had been earlier, I might have driven like an idiot rushing to get to the theater on the crazy-busy Santa Monica Boulevard. Who knows what trouble I would have caused, then?
Please enjoy pics from Sunday night; cast and friendly fellas what came to watch...
P.S. The cast was very forgiving and no one said a word in rebuke. ...but I think I did see Julie Brown give me a look as if to say, "he's not even gonna put on those pantyhose?" She's sweet!
have passed some line, some place. I am beginning to repel people I'm trying to
Jane Craig (Holly Hunter) in BROADCAST NEWS
I’ve always been able to relate to the Jane Craigs of the
world. An outward firecracker who, when
nobody’s watching, sits alone at home and cries. I even admired how she would schedule her sob
sessions, ending them abruptly with a little tug at the tissue dispenser. When her boss told her, “It must be nice to
always believe you know better, to always think you're the smartest person in
the room,” Jane famously responded, “No, it’s awful”. The smart lonely heart. Jane was my role model, “except for socially”
as Joan Cusack hilariously told her.
I’ve always been fairly inept on a social level. I’m blunt in a world full of conflict
avoiders. I’m a nerd about being
reliable and on time in a world full of flakes.
I care about the world around me in a world that seldom cares back. It’s awful, right Jane?
As for my love life, it’s been fairly non-existent. People always tell me to stop looking and
that it will come when I least expect it.
That strategy has never worked for me.
If I don’t make a first move, nothing moves. I’ve never been the person who gets those
calls from their friends that go something like, “So and so really likes you
and asked me if you were single”. If I
go out, I never get hit on, and in the past couple of months I’ve been in 3
situations where I was surrounded by thousands of gay men, and I’ve never felt
more invisible. Sure, some of it is a
product of my advancing age, but this was even true when I was a twink. Some of it has to do with the fact that I’m
terrible at “performing” for people. I
rarely say “Hey gurrrllll” and I don’t speak “DJ”. I’ve never been very good at hiding my
emotions. If I’m having a good time,
you’ll know it, and the opposite is even more apparent. Still, I think I’m pretty witty, funny, have
a great sense of adventure, career accomplishments, a loving family, and a genuine
love of connecting with people.
All of this is to say that I must have the worst resting bitch
face on the planet, because, like my pal Jane, I’m starting to repel the people
I’m trying to seduce. Yep, it’s happening.
I meet guys in all sorts of ways:
dating sites, apps (of all stripes), out and about, parties, museums,
movie screenings, through friends, all of it.
Recently, I was out for a drink with a friend and ran into a delightful
guy I know through work. He was out with
two of his friends, one with whom I felt an instant spark. Not one to let life pass me by, I asked my
friend if his pal was single. He
confirmed it, but also warned me that he has issues and I should steer
clear. The friend I was out with said I
should just take a chance. If there was
a spark, why not explore it?
So I did what any self-respecting fool would do and hit him up on
Facebook. Direct as usual, I told him it
was great to meet him and asked if there was a spark. He complimented me, used the “F” word
(flattered…ugh!) and then continued by telling me that he has been with someone
for the past 2 years and was very happy.
When I took this info back to our mutual friend, he was
surprised. In fact, he said there was no
way he was seeing someone. Yep, things
have gotten so bad that guys are now pretending to have boyfriends to avoid
going out with me.
A few weeks back, I met another guy at a party. He had just moved to LA and, again,
sparks. Or so I thought. We eventually exchanged numbers and met out
for drinks. You know those dates where
the conversation flows so easily that hours go by without you knowing it? It was one of those. All of my past relationships started with
such an epic running time of a first date, but, of course, the hammer came
down. It started out innocently
enough. He told me he hated living in
his prior town because every guy he’d meet would tell him, “I’m not really
looking to date”. He said it was sucking
his soul dry. Wait a minute, that’s MY
hashtag! #MYDRYSOULISDEADINSIDE. This sounded promising. A like mind.
A guy who has grown tired of meeting unavailable men.
And then this little nugget came out of his mouth, “And now, I’m
that guy! I’m not really looking to
date”. The proverbial air went out of
the tires. My inner voice raged, “THEN
WHY ARE WE SITTING HERE?!!!!” My outer
voice just went, “Oh. Cool.” Oh, Cool?
There’s nothing cool about it.
It’s terrible! It’s a
tragedy! On one hand you have everybody
screaming about marriage equality rights, on the other, NOBODY WANTS TO DATE! Cupid, why hast thou forsaken me??!!!
Every time I walk away from these situations with my tail between
my legs, my inner voice continues, “Maybe they’re just not into you. Maybe you’re just not attractive enough. Maybe they think you walk funny. Maybe you
need to give up hope and just stop looking. Maybe you need to unplug your
phone, and cry all alone like Jane Craig.”
OR….maybe you need to write an article with the hope that a like
mind will read this and will be the one to ask your friends about you! Someone?
Anyone? Is this thing on?
I am certain I'm a happy person... I feel very fortunate to have the life I have and the ability to live as I do. This weekend I was reminded that I have plenty of love and support from friends and family and I am grateful. My post about my anger at something my Alleged Father posted elicited some responses I wasn't expecting. I certainly hope the post did not come across as a desperate bid for attention, (although the attention paid was much appreciated). I've seen enough episodes of THE PRACTICE & some LA LAW to know that there is need for a re-direct.
Sometimes, especially in a self-righteous rage, my words may seem stronger than intended. I worry (and understand if) my message may have been misunderstood. So, here is where I will redirect (If I may, Judge Judy, your honor...) My message should have been "Please don't simply like and share propaganda without taking time to think if it's something you actually do feel and agree with." Simple, right? My presentation and word choices most likely steered readers to believe my message was "I hate my alleged father who hates me first!" That wasn't my intention and certainly not what I meant. I apologize to my siblings (Thank you for your messages) if I caused you any stress or worry. While his post did anger me and I do still hold some resentments that I am not shy to air & stand by, I do not hate my alleged father or believe that he actually meant the post as a personal attack.
As a Gay of A Certain Age, I've come to understand that writing about one thing, while feeling strongly about another can lead to a misleading message. I also realize there might be a nicer way to call someone out on their crap.
I'll tell you, Facebook must be one of the worst inventions to ever be inflicted on the human race. One of the worst things about it is that once parents catch on to the thing, they wanna "friend" their children. The children, of course, are mortified because this is the moment they have to either take the risk of offending their parents with a "No, thank you" or actually changing and living their life in a way that their parents would approve. I fall somewhere in the middle of that. When I got a request from my mother, whom I love very much, I flinched. Then, I thought about my Facebook life; I try to be a good person, have a positive attitude and and only occasionally burst into fits of rage that result in a post. Then, there's the whole gay aspect; not that I'm ashamed of being gay or living a "gay lifestyle" or having drag be a huge part of my actor life, it's those Gay friends who sometimes post naughty things on pages... But heck, I think my ma knows she's taking that risk. I happily hit "Accept" on that friend request. Then on the other side, I got a request from my alleged father. We don't communicate much, but I was game. I popped on over to his page to see what I would be getting into. I found that he likes to post A LOT! Sometimes he posts in all caps and sometimes more that 10 things in an hour. The stuff he posts is usually religious or very political. I thought, "No, thanks! I don't need to see that popping up on my news feed 10 times each hour!" So, I let that request sit there, I didn't deny it, I just let it sit. I figured that all my settings are set to "public" so anyone can see what I post, therefore he access to my stuff, and I have access to his without the formal "accept" that would put all that stuff on my news feed. It works! ...And, to be honest, a little part of me got some satisfaction from withholding from him as "revenge" for his absence in the past.
A thing about the Facebook in the last year or so; our political climate has become so polarizing and, in my opinion, dangerous that with so many exaggerated forces pulling people to either side, it's easy to fall prey to crap that re-enforces one's view and pass it on. I get it. Sometimes, it feels irresponsible to NOT post something political. Personally, my anti-Cheetohead posts consist of his picture stamped "Not My President" and "Fake President" to clearly state my stance and all other stuff I post or re-post I take from reliable news sources or clearly opinion-based pieces. (Unless it's something REALLY funny or clever... then I might give in to temptation) Otherwise, my posts are the usual show notifications, puppies, Dunnys and shirtless hot mens. I have family members who occasionally post something that is in direct opposition to my views, but I've never felt personally attacked. That was until yesterday, when I saw this posted on my alleged father's wall...
Not only is the meme, itself, anti-gay, he took the time to add "it's unnatural and evil".
If you click on the pic, you can see at the bottom where I immediately commented, "Your faggot son is unnatural and evil..." SERIOUSLY? I don't think I've ever heard a parent refer to their own child as evil, but here it is, proudly posted on his wall for all to see. After I commented, I blocked him and deleted the friend request. I mean, really! What really bugs the fuck out of me is that this man, who seemed to have no problem that I, as a preschooler, knew of his mistress, Minerva, and knew that she was his side cooze; Who had no qualms introducing me, a grade-schooler, to his illegitimate daughter, Myra, whom he fathered while still married to my mother; Who had no problem living with Minerva or moving to California while still married to my mother and leaving her to raise four of his who-knows-how-many of his children by herself; Who seemed quite comfortable barging in and crashing with us in between his bouts of employment (proudly displaying his Benny and the Amazing Technicolor Dream Boot collection along the wall, but not putting in for groceries); Who had no issues, paying the Church to annul his marriage to my mother so that he may marry another woman in the Church. (So am I a bastard in the eyes of the Church since my parent's marriage never existed?); Who ( I honestly don't know how he took that other wreck of a marraige) racked up a second divorce: After all that; infidelity, children out of wedlock, and two divorces, he is going to preach about the sanctity of marriage AND tell me I'm evil and unnatural? Fuck that!
You know, it took me a long time to sort all of that stuff out in my head and heart to not hate the man. I worked hard to try to see things from his side and thought, "He's just a guy whose dreams were too big for his circumstances..." People make mistakes... I let it go. Until now.
I may be playing up the drama, I am a thespian (also unnatural & evil), after all...
It's not such a bold move that I've made here. If I had forgiven and forgotten all that, I also never felt like I needed his approval or attention, frankly. I'm just saying, that if you request your son's friendship on the Facebook, you may not wanna call him Unnatural and Evil.
This Is Why I Am Single; My alleged Father believes that I should not have the right to be married.