Yesterday, I, along with a large group of people, gathered to say our final goodbyes to our dear friend, Dan McLaughlin. Dan was a wonderful guy. He was the embodiment of love, sunshine & joy. The man was a human Muppet. As a matter of fact, he loved the Muppets. ...And Disney. ...And the Golden Girls. ...And Dolly Parton. It's easy to list the things he loved because he was always willing to share his love for things and rarely, expressed negative words about much at all. That was the reason there were so many people there yesterday.
We gathered at St. Michael's Church
and partook in a lovely mass in remembrance of Dan.
Although, I'm not one for religion much, anymore, I appreciated being included in this celebration of his life and important step in healing. After the mass, there was a reception where folks could find sustenance in tasty treats from Porto's, relive memories in a slide show and share their stories of life with Dan. I didn't chime in because I wouldn't have made it through without bursting into the ugly cries and because what I had to say was too complicated to try to communicate there. The truth is, I didn't cotton to Dan when I met him.
I had to be honest with myself & everyone there and I couldn't be an L.A. fakey and pretend that I didn't have a problem with Dan. When we first met, I put up my wall of resistance immediately because he was such a loud person. He had a laugh you could hear in Bakersfield. Being honest with myself and the person I was then, I saw that as a threat. I thought, "this guy talks so loud so that everybody has to hear what he's got to say. He laughs so loud just to convince people he's the person having the best time here!" I was focusing on "who the hell is he trying to be?" instead of looking at myself. My ego had totally taken over when it came to Dan. I was used to getting attention from people, whether while being on stage or just being the terribly witty scamp that I thought myself to be. I didn't want to lose that, and Dan was going to take it all away from me! Of course, I feel ridiculous and embarrassed that that is how I saw Dan, but I'm proud how his persistence at being who he is actually wore down my defenses and served as an example to me that there's room for all of us in the spotlight. Maybe it helped me realize that the spotlight isn't where I needed to be all the time. I grew to love and enjoy Dan when I saw him at Saturday Brunch and parties
Mandel & Phil's Holiday party 2019
Gregory & Chuck's "the Least I could Do" Halloween party 2022
Dudley's House of whorers 2022
Sandy & Danny Trejo
Sandy & Danny Trejo
Dudley's Memorial Day pool party 2025
I was very happy that Dan was able to come to Craft Night 2025!
I loved that Dan was always up for fun and always met Dudley's party themes with creativity & heart. I, also admired his relationship with Jesse.
Dan and Jesse both say they met the man of their dreams. I believe them. They were very well paired and shared seven great years together. One of the things I took note of immediately was that Jesse wasn't always with Dan at our gatherings. I've always imagined, if I had a fella, we would practice occasional separate social activities. My guy wouldn't have to come to all my things and I wouldn't have to go to all of his. My inability to go to a function didn't automatically mean he couldn't go. I will say, when Jesse was with Dan, he was WITH Dan. He always participated in the party theme or totally showed up in the spirit of the occasion. In more recent times, when Dan faced his battle, it was beautiful to see the way Jesse cared for Dan without babying him or any sign of playing the martyr. While this blog is mostly about me not necessarily needing/wanting a husband, I would love to share what Dan & Jesse had with some lucky guy.
When I learned that Dan had passed I was shocked because when I had seen l him last, he appeared to be okay and moving up in recovery. I look back and I realize that I didn't know when Dan was first diagnosed and I didn't know when he went into treatment. All I knew was that he wasn't well. I never asked because I believe people deserve their privacy and if they want me to know something, they'll tell me. I didn't ask our mutual friends, who I thought would know because I didn't want to put them in the position of betraying a trust or at the very least, feeling like they were gossiping. There was a stretch of time when I didn't see him and when I finally did, he was in recovery and just barely ready to step out into the world. One could tell that he was a bit fragile and had to concentrate on keeping balance. The thing is, I missed him and I wanted to hug him. (I like to give full on, firm hugs.) As I stepped up to him, he didn't deny me the hug, he simply reminded me to be careful. I instantly envisioned this video that I love.
I repeatedly said aloud, "gentle... gentle" as the long as the hug lasted. From then on, every greeting and goodbye was narrated with a hug and the "Gentle" refrain. And now he has gone "Gentle... gentle..." into the night and I say "Goodnight, Dan."
Now, as a Gay of a Certain Age, when I think of Dan, I think of unmitigated joy and boisterous laughter and I am always reminded to be gentle. Gentle not only with my friends, but gentle with judgement and ego when I meet someone, who just might be as wonderful as Dan. I also think of Fozzie Bear.
With love,
