Gay of A Certain Age - S/He & Me and Me

As you may recall, I claimed to be very busy last weekend, with condoms & marches & such...  One of the events I was busy attending was Alexandra Billings' show S/He & Me, which is, basically, a show about her life.  Now, I've known Alexandra since we met on the set of SOCKET, a movie she in which she was a lead and I turned in a surprisingly inept  performance as an extra.  We had a scene together, where there were only 4 people on-camera, and even though we had never met, she was sweet as pie and made me feel very comfortable shooting a scene in a movie that was shooting very quickly.  Since then we've done a number of things together; like me guesting in her show KATIE'S CORNER, where she's Katherine Hepburn doing a weekly talk show, staged readings of VALLEY OF THE DOLLS and MOMMIE DEAREST, and such.  We haven't spent a lot of personal time together beyond the requisite after-show eats at Denny's, but we're terribly close on Facebook and Instagram!  Let's just say that I've spent enough time with Alexandra to say I'm pretty sure I know who she is as a person and I get her.  Here's where I get into trouble.

As a Gay of A Certain Age, I tend to set up little traps for myself, a lot of which have to do with assumptions I don't even know I'm making.  I've learned (and apparently keep re-learning) that sometimes gay folk (namely me) assume that since they are gay that they know and understand everything about "Gay" and all of its surrounding initials (namely B, L, T, Q).  I assumed that my knowledge gained during my journey to and experience in GAY made me an expert of sorts on everything else.  I am quick to empathize and sympathize because "I know".  I am quick to become an ally because, "I know".  I don't have to think about or consider anything else because, "I know"...
Then once in awhile, I'll get knocked on my ass (figuratively) because I discover I don't REALLY know.  I work for the City of West Hollywood, where you can't swing a faded Nagel litho without hitting a gay.  HR held a sensitivity training for employees focused on Transgender folk, which I attended even though I already knew everything.  There, I was knocked on my ass (figuratively) because I realized I knew A & Z and this training filled in a lot of letters in between.  One of the things I realized in that training is that sexuality and gender and identity are not all tied together, being one doesn't necessarily mean you are the other...  anyway I felt like an idiot for thinking I already knew.

I step back now and separate what I understand from what I know.  I realize that my journey is not everybody else's and probably not even close to 99% of everyone else's.  Now, I move through life with that new understanding and thinking.   At least I thought I did.   Alexandra is a very open person.  If you follow her on Facebook or Instagram, you know her history and journey, you know where she comes from, what she's been through, how she feels; she's the first to tell you.  Even though I knew all that, I realized I don't already know Alexandra.  First of all, as the show began, she sang.  I started crying because I didn't know she could sing.  Yes, I knew she sang, because she shared stories about it and she sang in VALLEY OF THE DOLLS, but I didn't really get to see and hear it because I was either backstage or on stage behind her trying not to drown in my flop-sweat.  This was the first time I actually sat and took in this particular talent of hers.  As the show went on, I really enjoyed the way familiar songs from other shows were given new meaning in the context of Alexandra's story, as presented.  I don't think I ever reached a point where my eyes were completely dry, because as I was learning more about her, I would be hit by feeling after feeling;  I was sad when she met tragedy or disappointment, was excited when I saw a different nuance in her performance, I was happy because the show was wonderful and everyone in it was great.  I had more different emotions to tear up for that David Mamet has ways to use "fuck".  And again I was knocked on my ass with all the things I didn't know.  I understand that transitioning from one person to another is difficult for everyone involved and that sometimes it causes a huge rift in relationships.
Even though I understand that, I didn't know that sometimes the pain a mother feels isn't because her son is now her daughter, it's because she actually misses that son.  I didn't realize that that resentment and pain could be tied up in a love for the daughter that took that son away.  I didn't realize that while there is a joy and relief in becoming the person you've always knew you should be, that the old one doesn't just disappear and in order to manage the old one you may have to be cruel and destructive to him (yourself).  I didn't realize how much strength could be found in someone who loves you so deeply and strongly that your deepest, scariest, saddest self cannot scare them away.  I didn't realize how much I could cry at so many different things in one sitting.  Yes, I was destroyed after the show. There was no subtle wiping the cheeks with my sleeve as I applauded.  There was no hiding the tracks of this journey.

I proudly wore my cry face as I made my way out of the theatre and to my car.  I didn't get to see Alexandra after the show, and quite frankly it's best that I didn't.  I don't think I would have been able to utter a word without crying.  There was so much stirred up in me, mostly joy and happiness for Alexandra.  Also, as a Gay of A Certain Age, I know it would be foolish of me to think NOW, I know Alexandra, because people are not their shows.  That is to say, as a writer, I know that sometimes while everything can be true, some of it is exaggerated or muted to make a point or stay focused.  Aside from the great production and performances, one of the things I really appreciate is the kick in the ass and reminder that I don't know it all.  What I do know is Alexandra is a super hero and truth & light are her super powers!

Now please enjoy one of my guest turns as Frieda Laye in Alexandra's show KATIE'S CORNER

Gay of a Certain Age - TransLucid

I, like millions of others, sat and watched the Bruce Jenner interview
in fascination.  I was with a small group of friends and after about an hour,
my fascination turned away from the T.V. and into the living room.
One of my friends, much like Diane Sawyer (who asked about it, at least three times),
could not wrap his head around separating gender identity from sexual orientation.
He was TransFused. (Confused about Transgender)

I was mostly fascinated because you would think if there was someone who would understand it,
it would be a gay guy. We, as gays and lesbians and transgender and Republican Politicians are stigmatized because people can not let go of the idea that being male means you like females and being female means you like males and there is nothing in between.
Once you stray from that black and white notion, shit gets crazy!
It's simple really.  Just erase that notion that the two are exclusively entwined.
I understand because I know how I feel;
being a guy does not mean I am attracted to women and
being attracted to men doesn't mean that I want to be a woman.
Humans are infinitely complex beings and millennia of science and observation
still haven't taught us all there is to know about ourselves.
Why should we hold on to notions that were formed thousands of years ago,
even if today we are still discovering new things?
Why have we created a culture that shames and attacks expression of difference,
that ultimately turns out not to be so different after all?
How advanced would we be now if people who are gay, or transgender, didn't feel
like they had to hide and instead were embraced and understood.
How many miserable lives could have been spared rather than snuffed out or mutilated
by people who don't know or understand.

There'll be those who'll say God made it like this, God made it like that...
They'll praise God for the glory of multiple colored flowers, and wonder at God's
mysterious ways that put desert next to sea, or chocolate mixed in with peanut butter,
but they'll stand firm that God couldn't possibly have made one man to be different
from another or one man to feel differently than another.
They are willing to limit God with their ignorance.
They can see a rose can be red, or white, or sometimes red AND white,
but it is beyond their understanding that God could have made
men who like men and if they can't understand it, then it is not so. And if it is not so, then God couldn't possibly have done it.  And if God didn't make it (is there anything that God didn't make?)
then it is something to be feared and fought against.
They'll sooner believe words, written thousands of years ago, by men (with limited knowledge and understanding), than open their eyes and see the glory of God before them.

I've come to accept that I'll never convince the Bible/Torah/Quran/Dianetics/Holy Book of Choice
slaves that I am a creature that their God made, but what really fascinated me
was my gay friend, who lives his life as a contradiction to the "norm" as a man who likes men,
but couldn't let Bruce Jenner get away with saying that she is attracted to women.
Why would a man want to become a woman and then not want to be with men?
He's convinced that Bruce will come out later as a man-lover and blame the hormones.
He's especially suspicious that Bruce said she wants to have a glam room.
Why would Bruce want a glam room, if not to be pretty for the guys?
He could not let go of the idea that Bruce would be a woman who likes other women.
How is it even possible that he not understand that?
It's bad enough we have to fight these ideas in society, but to have to fight ourselves?
If he's having this trouble being gay and understanding that,
what awful things are ingrained in me that have yet to come out?

As a Gay of a Certain Age, I've come to accept that, even though I am different from the "straight" world, I do not know everything there is to know about human sexuality, that is to say, just because I am gay it doesn't mean I know what it is like to be transgender.  Just because I dress up in women's clothes for a show doesn't mean I know what it feels like to find solace and safety in them.  Just because I am gay, it doesn't mean I know exactly how other gay men think and feel.   I think that because I am gay, I know what it is like to be misunderstood, vilified and denied, that means I should have an open mind to understand, have open eyes, to not see all members of one group as all the same and I should have open hands to give others the chance to think as they do and eventually find a universal truth that is inclusive.

I know that I have a basic handle on gender expression, assigned gender, sexual orientation
and myriad complexities that usually get lumped into "Faggot", but I also know that I don't understand it all.  I'm trying.
If you care to learn a little more (certainly more than I can offer),
this article maybe helpful to you.