This Is Why I Am Single - Glenn

Hey, remember my Die Alone Buddy, Glenn?
Well, he's got a little to say about dating,
And it goes something like this...

LOSE USE MY NUMBER

by Glenn Gaylord

People always tell me I should write a book about my dating disasters. My rote response has always been, “This is my life. It’s not funny. I don’t gain anything from rehashing it.” Sure, I could commiserate with others, or save another lonely soul from making the same mistakes, but will my musings stop people from canceling at the last minute? Will they make people nicer? God, I hope so! Here goes.

I’ve been more or less single for the past 8 years and I can count the number of dates I’ve had, well, not on one hand, but let’s just say that I can count them, and that ain’t good. I blame Los Angeles. I blame my ever-increasing age, or my big nose, my not being super rich, or my failure at not having a 6-pack! I blame myself for poor judgment. I blame a culture supportive of the fact that more excitement is just over your shoulder or at your texting fingertips. I’ve thrown the blame around so much that it’s not important to me anymore. I’ve grown tired of advice from others if it includes the directive, “Stop looking and something will come along when you least expect it.” As Kristen Wiig’s SNL character, Aunt Linda, would say:

That advice doesn’t work for taxis, jobs, or eating, so why should it work when it comes to love? Believe me, I’ve tried it, and my life experience has proven to me that nothing gets dropped in your lap, except for bird poop. Yes, a bird once pooped in my lap, but I looked at the bright side. At least it showed up!

My dates tend to text at the last minute that they’re tired, despite confirming hours prior, or they just don’t show up at all. I’ve learned the ones who flake are most often the same people who tell me how much they hate it when people cancel at the last minute.

Now before you label me a bitter, old queen, I’ll defend myself by saying that I’m a pretty fun date. I have a wide variety of interests, from movies, hiking, biking, skiing, travel, and politics. I care about the world and have dedicated most of my life to making it better. I show up showered and fresh, and I’ll probably open a door for you at some point. Oh, I also play a mean game of footsie if you float my boat.

I just don’t count on that boat to dock every time. I expect the cancellation so that I won’t be surprised if it happens. I’ll have a soft Plan B with a friend, and sadly, exercise that option more often than not. The bright side is that I have a lot of wonderful people in my life who ARE there for me. I used to rant and rave at my almost-dates. I’d remind them of their shortcomings, call them rude, ask who raised them, and finish with a very curt and very final, “Lose my number!” The momentary satisfaction was nice, but I felt my soul being sucked out of my body. Now I just don’t respond. So if you feel the same as I do, then HMU, as the kids say. I promise I won’t bite if you cancel. I won’t say anything at all.

S'up, Muh DAB? - Glenn

This is Glenn, he's one of my DABs- (Die Alone Buddy).
Glenn is a fellow single fella who's currently dating or just meeting guys.
We live close to each other and share close friends, so we spend a lot of time together.
...mostly eating.  I don't mind eating alone, sometimes I prefer it, but it is nice to have someone to talk to or yell at.
Did I say yell at?  Yep, I did.  Over meals and movies and various social events, Glenn and I have fallen into a The Bickersons type relationship. We bicker, argue, or sometimes say just plain awful things to each other.  Why?  Now, in gay friendships (probably hetero ones, too) there's usually a little bit of catty play in groups, where we make fun of each other, then reflectively, make fun of ourselves, but I've noticed that there's usually a one-on-one Bickersons pair that stands out.  Maybe it's just me, because I know I've had this type of relationship with other friends, and seldom two at the same time.  It's interesting to me how we'll turn the simplest exchanges into arguments, or if not arguing, use an argumentative tone.  We make "yes, thank you" sound like the closing statement in a mass murder trial.
I know we're just playing.  God, I hope he knows we're just playing...  But, what is it with these friendships where aggression takes the lead?  Is it a fun, playful way to get out the frustration of other areas of our lives?  When I unleash the hounds because Glenn can't think of a place where he wants to have dinner, is it really me reacting to not being happy with having to work the reception desk on Fridays, now?
When Glenn angrily agrees to brunch at Hugo's, AGAIN, is it really because his dog is an idiot?
I care about Glenn; I care about his life, his relationships, his happiness and we enjoy so many things together, so I don't know what it could possibly be that makes us bicker.  When did we mutually & silently agree to be each other's punching bag?  When I tell him I hate him so much for picking MAPS TO THE STARS last Friday night, he knows I don't really hate him, right?  I'm sure he was kidding when he added "...for you." to "That was pretty good."   I do know that when we have actually had an issue (a rarity), the tone is more quiet and serious, so I know we're not playing.
Should I worry, or is this a regular and legitimate type of friendship?
Do we all need someone we can be an asshole with?

This isn't my first ride on the Gay Movie Cliche-go-round, so, no, I'm certain there is no sexual tension.  This ain't a MOONLIGHTING thing where we argue instead of schtupping. (If it was, I'd be the Dave.  I don't know if Glenn is the Maddie, but I am definitely the Dave.)  So, I don't know what it is.  All I know is we enjoy each other's company, like movies a lot and care about some of the same stuff & people.  I know that if there was trouble, I could turn to Glenn and he could turn to me. I imagine that conversation would end like this, "FINE! I'll donate my damned kidney, but next week we're eating at Salt's Cure!"  So, I'm secure in our friendship, but I'm not sure if this type of playfulness is something we both need, or need to cut out.  I trust we'll figure it out.  I 'd like our friendship to be a healthy one, because dying alone can be lonesome sometimes.