This Is Why I Am Single- Guest Column

One day, recently, I was on that Facebook contraption and I happened upon my friend George Unda's post, (He's an honorary DAB - Die Alone Buddy).  I thought, while I read it, that this is quite dead-on with the spirit of DieAloneWithMe.Com. and I think may help some of y'all that might be going through stuff.  In order to not be a spoiler, I will simply get to it.

George writes:

In my adult life, I’ve only had two mentionable relationships.

My first that lasted 13 years. (17 to 30)
My second that lasted a little under 2 years (30 - 31) But remained intimate friends for a total of 6 years.

While both were polar opposites on the surface, the deep kernel proved to me the they were very much alike in the dynamics that make us functional/dysfunctional.

My first was hypersexual, while my second was practically non-sexual.

My first was impulsive, crass, chaotic and fun, while my second was erudite, methodical and tightly-wound.

Both were intense in demonstrating intimacy and compassion, but both always ONLY did this on their terms and their way.

Both were incredibly self-observed, and lacked empathy and compassion when things weren’t about them. And both had a visceral cruelty and callousness when things finally didn’t serve their benefit.

Both, as I’ve come to understand now, are narcissists.

At first, this realization hit me hard. Feelings of resentment were mixed with feelings or realization and relief. And when I finally understood the correlation to my romantic choices in life, I came to discover something incredibly deep about myself:

I picked these men, not out of love, but our of familiarity for the man in my life that acted the same way. My father.

I became my mother, whom had/has spent all her life trying to fulfill the recognition of a man that barely gave her any.

My sister has done the same thing with her toxic and abusive husband, whom this very day has been the crux of our family dissolve.

So it was at the very moment that I discovered my tendency to search out “LOVE” in men that are so easily attractable, and so charismatic in getting you in their grasp when they want, but can flip on you like a light switch with little to no remorse, that was when I KNEW, that my happiness can and forever WILL only come from ME.

That knowledge, while complex and deeply seated in behaviors and traumas that will take years to re-direct, will and has allowed me to have the perspective of what real love is.

That is why it is SO much better to be single, respectable and on your own, than coupled, but very much alone.

My advice to you all this Valentine’s Day is, respect yourselves. All you single and coupled alike.

For those of you coupled and living a lie, and fearing loneliness, understand that breaking that fear of rejection and loneliness will give you new life, strength and happiness in the end.

And for those of you, single, depressed and alone, remember that you’re not alone. Your integrity is secured. Your value, intact. And you will neither sacrifice those or yourself for a lie, not until you are at peace to find true love, without rush, without desperation, simply out of blithe happenstance.

This Is Why I Am Single - REPULSION - A Guest Column

Muh DAB, Glenn Gaylord has something to say...

REPULSION

by Glenn Gaylord

 “I have passed some line, some place. I am beginning to repel people I'm trying to seduce.” 

Jane Craig (Holly Hunter) in BROADCAST NEWS

I’ve always been able to relate to the Jane Craigs of the world.  An outward firecracker who, when nobody’s watching, sits alone at home and cries.  I even admired how she would schedule her sob sessions, ending them abruptly with a little tug at the tissue dispenser.  When her boss told her, “It must be nice to always believe you know better, to always think you're the smartest person in the room,” Jane famously responded, “No, it’s awful”.  The smart lonely heart.  Jane was my role model, “except for socially” as Joan Cusack hilariously told her. 

I’ve always been fairly inept on a social level.  I’m blunt in a world full of conflict avoiders.  I’m a nerd about being reliable and on time in a world full of flakes.  I care about the world around me in a world that seldom cares back.  It’s awful, right Jane?

As for my love life, it’s been fairly non-existent.  People always tell me to stop looking and that it will come when I least expect it.  That strategy has never worked for me.  If I don’t make a first move, nothing moves.  I’ve never been the person who gets those calls from their friends that go something like, “So and so really likes you and asked me if you were single”.  If I go out, I never get hit on, and in the past couple of months I’ve been in 3 situations where I was surrounded by thousands of gay men, and I’ve never felt more invisible.  Sure, some of it is a product of my advancing age, but this was even true when I was a twink.  Some of it has to do with the fact that I’m terrible at “performing” for people.  I rarely say “Hey gurrrllll” and I don’t speak “DJ”.  I’ve never been very good at hiding my emotions.  If I’m having a good time, you’ll know it, and the opposite is even more apparent.  Still, I think I’m pretty witty, funny, have a great sense of adventure, career accomplishments, a loving family, and a genuine love of connecting with people.   

All of this is to say that I must have the worst resting bitch face on the planet, because, like my pal Jane, I’m starting to repel the people I’m trying to seduce. Yep, it’s happening.  I meet guys in all sorts of ways:  dating sites, apps (of all stripes), out and about, parties, museums, movie screenings, through friends, all of it.  Recently, I was out for a drink with a friend and ran into a delightful guy I know through work.  He was out with two of his friends, one with whom I felt an instant spark.  Not one to let life pass me by, I asked my friend if his pal was single.  He confirmed it, but also warned me that he has issues and I should steer clear.  The friend I was out with said I should just take a chance.  If there was a spark, why not explore it? 

So I did what any self-respecting fool would do and hit him up on Facebook.  Direct as usual, I told him it was great to meet him and asked if there was a spark.  He complimented me, used the “F” word (flattered…ugh!) and then continued by telling me that he has been with someone for the past 2 years and was very happy. 

When I took this info back to our mutual friend, he was surprised.  In fact, he said there was no way he was seeing someone.  Yep, things have gotten so bad that guys are now pretending to have boyfriends to avoid going out with me. 

A few weeks back, I met another guy at a party.  He had just moved to LA and, again, sparks.  Or so I thought.  We eventually exchanged numbers and met out for drinks.  You know those dates where the conversation flows so easily that hours go by without you knowing it?  It was one of those.  All of my past relationships started with such an epic running time of a first date, but, of course, the hammer came down.  It started out innocently enough.  He told me he hated living in his prior town because every guy he’d meet would tell him, “I’m not really looking to date”.  He said it was sucking his soul dry.  Wait a minute, that’s MY hashtag!  #MYDRYSOULISDEADINSIDE.  This sounded promising.  A like mind.  A guy who has grown tired of meeting unavailable men. 

And then this little nugget came out of his mouth, “And now, I’m that guy!  I’m not really looking to date”.  The proverbial air went out of the tires.  My inner voice raged, “THEN WHY ARE WE SITTING HERE?!!!!”  My outer voice just went, “Oh.  Cool.”  Oh, Cool?  There’s nothing cool about it.  It’s terrible!  It’s a tragedy!  On one hand you have everybody screaming about marriage equality rights, on the other,  NOBODY WANTS TO DATE!  Cupid, why hast thou forsaken me??!!!

Every time I walk away from these situations with my tail between my legs, my inner voice continues, “Maybe they’re just not into you.  Maybe you’re just not attractive enough.  Maybe they think you walk funny. Maybe you need to give up hope and just stop looking. Maybe you need to unplug your phone, and cry all alone like Jane Craig.”  

OR….maybe you need to write an article with the hope that a like mind will read this and will be the one to ask your friends about you!  Someone?  Anyone?  Is this thing on? 

This Is Why I Am Single - There You Go- A Guest Column

Here're a few words, from Muh DAB, Glenn Gaylord...


THERE YOU GO
A Die Alone With Me Dot Com Guest Blog
by Glenn Gaylord

I have a friend who uses a mental egg timer for coffee dates. After fifteen minutes, he figures he can know enough about someone to decide if he would like to see them again or not. Either way, he cuts things off and thinks things over. I don’t know if that’s called speed dating or if it’s dating on speed, but the older I get, and the more protective I am of my time, the concept intrigues me more and more. While I don’t think I want to adhere to the strict 15 minute rule, I definitely can get on board with not wanting to spend more time than necessary with someone who literally makes my skin crawl. Oh wait, did I just refer to my latest coffee date? Why, yes I did!

It all started innocently enough with a nice little “You Like Each Other” notification on OK, CUPID, aka FU CUPID. He looked handsome and from his description, he checked off all the right boxes and had a clear sense of humor. When I gave him my number, he actually called. Who does that? Our conversation flowed wonderfully and I actually looked forward to meeting in person. Could this be the unicorn I’ve been seeking? In a word, “NO”. In two words, “HE-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L NO!”

I started looking outside the LA area for dates, because, well, you know…LA = Narcissism and Sociopathy when it’s not offering up Flakes. Ok, perhaps that’s a bit harsh and unfair, but…no…fuck it…it’s pretty accurate. So this guy scored major points because he lived near Long Beach and was willing to travel up my way to hang out.

Then the date happened…and the score reset to zero almost immediately. Maybe he didn’t like me or didn’t find me attractive, which is totally fine. To each his own. But his first move was to sigh heavily as I joined him at his table. On the plus side, he looked just as good in person, but his deflating personality kept overpowering the stuff in the PRO column. I thought I would start out by continuing a conversation we had while on the phone. He had mentioned struggling with a job search, so I asked if there had been any new developments in looking for work since last October.

His response: “October? What gave you the idea it was October? I’ve been jobless a lot longer than that! Plus, I’m taking care of my sick mother, so maybe it’s for the best that I’m not working. I don’t know. But I do know I don’t want to talk about this anymore and if something doesn’t change soon, I’ll probably put a gun to my head.”

Apologetic, I said perhaps I had misheard him and didn’t mean to upset him. Trying to lighten the mood, I added that if he ends up getting a job or puts a gun to his head, at least we knew the situation would get resolved either way. I got a chuckle out of him. The only chuckle.

Moving on, I asked him what he liked to do in his spare time. “Spare time?”, he asked, “What spare time? I’m out of work and taking care of my mother. What spare time do you think I have?!!” Swallowing my pride and the sour taste of “Dead Date”, I continued to ask him questions in a futile attempt to reignite the spark that clearly existed on our phone call. I noticed, however, that he had no curiosity in me. If I asked him how many siblings he had, he would croak out a response but not ask me the same thing. Instead, I would just awkwardly interject my information, which would prompt from him the following retort: “Well, there you go!”

There you go? What does that even mean? It’s been a pet peeve of mine when someone I don’t know well says that to me. If a good friend uses it, the implication could mean they know you so well and what you said was another example of your uniqueness. But when a new person hurls it at you, it feels like they’re not listening, dismissing your statement, or just filling the dead air. He “There You Go’ed” me a few more times. Thus, on this particular date, I took it as my cue to literally GO.

Often, when ending a date gone south, I’ll typically make an “I” statement: “I’m not feeling a strong connection here” or “I don’t feel comfortable”. But, in this moment, I felt the weight of all my considerable baggage and thought I’d use a potentially confrontational “you” statement for a change. What the hell? New year, new methods! So I looked him in the eyes, the two that seemed to be rolling since minute one, and said, “You look bored”.

“No,” he responded, “I’m just tired from the drive.”

Tired from the drive? What does he use, a Flintstone car????!!!!

“Maybe we could go for a walk,” he offered.

This felt as good a place as any to bring down the hammer with a monologue: “We could go for a walk, but I honestly don’t think that’s a good idea. The moment this coffee date started, you’ve thrown a lot of negative energy my way and haven’t shown any interest in me whatsoever. When I would impart some information about myself, your only response would be, “Well, there you go.” It doesn’t feel good, so I’m going to pass on that walk and leave right now. Take care.”

Maybe, like my DAB Danny says, this is why I’m single. Perhaps I didn’t give him enough of a chance. Things could have turned around on that little stroll. He may have perked up and asked me about my upbringing. People have lousy days and surely a guy who takes care of an ailing parent can’t be that bad, right? All true, but at my age, self-preservation mode kicks in really fast. Tick tock. Tick tock.


I didn’t look back. There I go!

This Is Why I Am Single - Glenn

Hey, remember my Die Alone Buddy, Glenn?
Well, he's got a little to say about dating,
And it goes something like this...

LOSE USE MY NUMBER

by Glenn Gaylord

People always tell me I should write a book about my dating disasters. My rote response has always been, “This is my life. It’s not funny. I don’t gain anything from rehashing it.” Sure, I could commiserate with others, or save another lonely soul from making the same mistakes, but will my musings stop people from canceling at the last minute? Will they make people nicer? God, I hope so! Here goes.

I’ve been more or less single for the past 8 years and I can count the number of dates I’ve had, well, not on one hand, but let’s just say that I can count them, and that ain’t good. I blame Los Angeles. I blame my ever-increasing age, or my big nose, my not being super rich, or my failure at not having a 6-pack! I blame myself for poor judgment. I blame a culture supportive of the fact that more excitement is just over your shoulder or at your texting fingertips. I’ve thrown the blame around so much that it’s not important to me anymore. I’ve grown tired of advice from others if it includes the directive, “Stop looking and something will come along when you least expect it.” As Kristen Wiig’s SNL character, Aunt Linda, would say:

That advice doesn’t work for taxis, jobs, or eating, so why should it work when it comes to love? Believe me, I’ve tried it, and my life experience has proven to me that nothing gets dropped in your lap, except for bird poop. Yes, a bird once pooped in my lap, but I looked at the bright side. At least it showed up!

My dates tend to text at the last minute that they’re tired, despite confirming hours prior, or they just don’t show up at all. I’ve learned the ones who flake are most often the same people who tell me how much they hate it when people cancel at the last minute.

Now before you label me a bitter, old queen, I’ll defend myself by saying that I’m a pretty fun date. I have a wide variety of interests, from movies, hiking, biking, skiing, travel, and politics. I care about the world and have dedicated most of my life to making it better. I show up showered and fresh, and I’ll probably open a door for you at some point. Oh, I also play a mean game of footsie if you float my boat.

I just don’t count on that boat to dock every time. I expect the cancellation so that I won’t be surprised if it happens. I’ll have a soft Plan B with a friend, and sadly, exercise that option more often than not. The bright side is that I have a lot of wonderful people in my life who ARE there for me. I used to rant and rave at my almost-dates. I’d remind them of their shortcomings, call them rude, ask who raised them, and finish with a very curt and very final, “Lose my number!” The momentary satisfaction was nice, but I felt my soul being sucked out of my body. Now I just don’t respond. So if you feel the same as I do, then HMU, as the kids say. I promise I won’t bite if you cancel. I won’t say anything at all.