This Is Why I Am Single - My Alleged Father 3

I woke up this morning and logged on to Facebook to see all of the tributes
to dads, living & dead. Happy Father's Day!
I'm not posting one of those today, at least not for my alleged father.
I don't mind seeing others post their glad tidings to the men who raised
them and were there to influence their lives, in good ways and odd.
I'm glad for them.  Also, I am sad for those who make their posts in memory
of their fathers who have died, who were taken away from them.
I know the absence, but for me (and many others) it is different because my alleged father
chose his absence.
As I grew up and saw images like these

I saw what my relationship was "supposed" to be like.  

I think I adjusted pretty well, for a kid.  I had my mom for all of my survival needs 

(and she worked harder than most people should have to).  I just learned to do without.

I learned to do the things that needed to be done, like shaving, by doing them.  Trail & error

kind of stuff.  I didn't need someone to teach me. (Although, I do remember my cousin poking fun at me because I applied my deodorant, "like a woman".  I guess a lot of my learning was from observing. Apparently, I never saw my brother put on deodorant.)  

(Also, to this day I still haven't learned to tie a tie, but I mostly don't learn so that I will

keep the opportunity to ask any hunk nearby to show me...

)

Now, as an adult and as a gay of a certain age, I do look back and miss those moments

a little, but what stings about it is that those moments didn't happen because they were

inconvenient.  Maybe I'd feel a little better about it if in his absence my alleged father had made a great breakthrough in some specific field, if he had become a great success at something because he dedicated all of his time to it, but that's not the case.  

There is no great legacy that will replace the lost father/son bonding.

Actually, I don't need anything from him like that, lost moments are lost.

I'm not posting this as a "wah wah wah, poor me", this about another bit of damage that 

has resulted.  I don't hate my alleged father, sometimes I do worry about him a little,

but what I feel most where he's concerned is disappointed.

This is why I am single; while a good portion of my worries about me in a relationship is

that I'll find out that I can be just as selfish as my alleged father, the bigger issue is 

that because of that, I withhold. This does not occur only in romantic (I guess potentially romantic) relationships.  I withhold my emotions and trust because if I get too far in, I may be the one that causes that disappointment.  I suppose it's also to protect myself from the possibility of experiencing it, but honestly I've faced disappointment enough to know I can handle it and things get better.

All I know for sure is that I don't want to be the source of that for someone else.  I don't want to be like him.  CLICHE' ALERT We can't help becoming our parents.  I mean that to say, couldn't the withholding on my part be just as disappointing.  I don't know who I'm protecting or how.  I don't know why I don't trust others to handle disappointment from me.  So, now let me say that my biggest worry is that I won't be able to stop withholding.  I may never be brave enough to just go balls out, completely open, fully trusting with someone.  THEN, start worrying that I'll be selfish and disappoint them!  Golly, I guess my alleged father gave ME the gift that keeps giving...

In all honesty, I find it hard to picture my alleged father's dad, taking him aside and living out the Norman Rockwell Pops & Junior moments, so I don't know if he was even capable of doing those things with me.  I just think he should have at least tried.   And if Grandpa was not the best father and that's my alleged father's excuse - he should just buck up and start his own blog!

This Is Why I Am Single - My Alleged Father 2

My alleged father, whether he meant to or not,
instilled in me a great appreciation for movies.
I can remember days, pre-school, or in summer that we spent in movie theaters
and nights in the backseat with pillows & blankets,
sneaking peeks at other movies around us at the Cinema Park Drive-In.

One of the nights I'll always remember is the night in 1973 when my alleged father
told me we were going to the movies.  As we left the house, it was just me and him,
so I assumed it was a rare father/son outing.
I'd say I was excited about having rare bonding time with my alleged father,
but I was a kid and I was really excited about the movies- a double feature!
That was until we made a stop before arriving at the Capri Theater down town and
picked up Minerva- The Side Cooze.

The Capri was one of a few movie theaters in down town El Paso, Texas,
where we would spend countless hours watching movies with my alleged father.
I think I remember seeing Tidal Wave, Beyond the Door, The Legend of Hell House, 
Phantom of the Paradise and many other age inappropriate movies there.
And they we always double features.

This particular evening, the fine pairing started with the classic, Ride In a Pink Car.

I was 5 or 6 years old, so I don't remember much about this movie except the title, 

car chases, foul language and a lot of yelling.  I also don't remember if I was snacking, 

but probably not, because my alleged father was cheap.

The follow up movie was the confusing Wonder Women.

I say it was confusing because when my alleged father told me the title,
I was expecting Diana Prince and her super hero alter-ego.  There was none of that.
There were a bunch of women on an island, and there was a lab set, and mutants, then all hell breaks loose, some of them fall in the water and get shot in the boobies.  I think I remember that much because it was all so fantastical.
As I sit here and write this, I'm trying to remember what the seating arrangement was, it was a week night, so the place wouldn't be crowded... was I in my own row and they were behind me, were we all in the same row...
was I all alone for the length of two movies and not even aware of it?
Anyway, as an adult looking back, I'm sure there was some hanky-panky going on between my
alleged father and the side cooze during the show.  There had to have been.  Right?

Here is why I am Single...  When we got home, I remember I was dropped off and my alleged father
did not come in.  I was greeted by my oldest sister, at that moment an angry 11 or 12 year old, who grabbed my arm and pulled me to my mother's room.  There was my mother, in her bed with eyes
filled to the brim with tears.  My sister said, "You did that!"  I entered my mother's room and
went to her and quietly asked, "What's wrong, Mommy?"  She took a gulp, or two, of air and
said, "Nothing. Nothing, I'm just a little sad."  I still felt guilty.
Clearly, since my alleged father's side cooze was not much of a secret in our home,
my sister figured out who I had gone to the movies with, and if an 11 year old could put it
together, certainly my mother knew.  I had no idea, that when my alleged father said, "Get in the car, we're going to the movies." he was actually saying, "Come with me, we're gonna break your mother's heart."
Looking back on it, I think he thought he was being clever
saying he was taking his little boy to the movies and the sneaking the side cooze with us.
Was he unaware that we all knew who she was?  How could that be possible?
Who did he think we thought she was?  Incestuous Auntie Minnie?
How could anyone use their child like that?
How could anyone stay married to a man like that?
Could I do that?  Could I use my child? Could I stay with a man who would use his child?
In my case, my child would probably be a chihuahua I've yet to adopt, but the questions still stand.

Despite my mother swallowing her pain and saying nothing that would make me think I did anything to hurt her, I can't help but feel a little twinge of guilt.  I know that I, as a 6 year old, did nothing wrong.  Maybe it's still in my head because my sister said, "You did this."  I don't blame her. She was just a kid, herself and I did appear to be a disloyal little monkey. There's an icky feeling it always give me to think about it and if there's anything I can do to prevent an innocent
chihuahua from feeling like this, I'll just stay single.

This Is Why I Am Single - My Alleged Father 1

This is my favorite photo of the man I call My Alleged Father.
I call him that, playfully, because he wasn't around much
when I was growing up and when he was around,
he was usually a drain for my mother.  My mother, and relatives on his side
of the family would tell me that I looked a lot like him as I was growing up.
Some said that we were very much alike.
Being that he wasn't around much, I never saw the similarities.  I do now.

I like this photo because it's one of the few similarities I don't mind.
It shows his sense of humor and hamminess.
I started realizing our similarities when I stumbled upon one of my mother's
high school year books and discovered that my father was a member of the Drama Club,
just like I was.  Then, I realized my love for movies came from him.  I remember he used to
take us to the movies ALL THE TIME!  Sometimes it was even a triple feature.
(I used to think he was cool for that, until I realized a little while back, that he did it
because he didn't know how, or want, to interact with his children.)
One time, I stunned myself when I started plucking stubble from my face
with my fingers.  Gross. Why was I doing that?  It became an uncontrollable habit.
Then, I remember seeing my father do it all the time.  Do we really inherit our parents habits?
If I inherited that dandy gross habit, then I must have gotten my dreamer tendencies from him, too.
My alleged father always has a dream ready to go.
Most of them manifested as money making schemes, that never lasted very long...
That is, once the money didn't immediately materialize he was out.
That made it very difficult to support a wife and kids, but it didn't stop him.
Where I think a more responsible person would just give up the schemes and get a steady job
and, at least, help raise four kids, he would just move on to the next project.
That's where I started to notice how selfish he was.

He wanted to have money.  I'm not sure if he wanted to make money, I'm sure he wanted to have it.
He is a classic "Have your cake and wear it, too" type of man.  The time he did have a steady job, (That I was old enough to remember) he was a manager at a famous boot company.
During that period, my parents' bedroom walls were lined with pairs of every exotic boot there was.
He had boots made out of snakes, alligators, ostriches, sharks and many more of the ilk.  I'm sure there was one pair fashioned out of real genuine Mogwai!  Even though he had a job and all these fabulous boots, it was still up to my mother to feed and clothe us.  Of course, he felt welcome to that partial full refrigerator, too.  The boots were only a small example of this selfishness, there are others.

You see, my alleged father is also the classic, "Have your Jane and eat her, too" type of man.
As a child in Kindergarten, I knew that my alleged father had a mistress, or Side Cooze as I call her.
I knew exactly what a mistress was, while other kids were still learning that a kitten is a baby cat.  The Side Cooze, Minerva, was not exactly a beauty and she had a voice like Minnie Mouse swallowing glass, so even as a child, I could hardly imagine why my alleged father would favor her over my darling mother.  But there it was, I'm not sure I understood the dynamic, but I understood that there was another woman in my alleged father's life, who wasn't my mother and it hurt her.
I don't remember my mother being particularly dramatic over the situation, or even embarrassed,
but I do remember it hurt her.
What a selfish man.  I don't know how it came about, but there he was, a man with a wife, a mistress and four children ( with my mother, anyway), but it still didn't seem like enough.
Growing up with it has made me worried and This Is Why I am Single.
It's not because I worry that I will end up with a man like my alleged father,
who would cheat on me and flaunt it in my face and drain me like a leech in snakeskin boots,
it's because I worry that I could be like him.
If we have so many similarities, what if that is one of them?
What if I can be that selfish?