This Is Why I Am Single - Fueling the Fire

As you may know, I've been rather busy, if not running around in a dress & heels, then funning with my friends and keeping up with social obligations.  Even in a rush, I'm sometimes surprised when I realize the reason why I do some of the things I do.  For example, I like my iced tea unsweetened, but I prefer my coffee creamy and sweet.  Why not unsweetened like my tea? Why don't I like my tea sweet?  It occurred to me one day that I liked my coffee that way because when I was pre-school and staying with my grandma, I'd ask to join her in her morning coffee.  Not wanting to make me feel left out, she poured me some java.  I realized that she would pour a bit coffee into a mug of milk for me.  Since I realized that, every cup of creamy coffee is a sweet reminder of Grandma.  Well, running around lately, as I have been, I didn't keep an eye on fuel gauge as I usually do.  I kept driving to my destinations with the thought of, 'I'll get gas on the way home". Then, I would forget to do it.  Of course, a little late on my way to an engagement further away than most, I was so upset with myself that I had let my tank get so low and I had to stop for gas, making myself later.  That moment of regret was compounded by the sudden flashback to my mother in a mini-rant about my alleged father always using her car and leaving the tank empty.  She told my juvenile self to refuel when I reach half a tank.  Come to think of it, I usually do, and most certainly if I reach a quarter tank!  I realized this is something I do because my mother was so upset and I didn't want to be like my alleged father, but here I was, running late and having to stop for gas.  Is it more because I don't want to upset my mother or because I don't want to be like my alleged father, always skitting around on the verge of having pushed it too far and dying out?  Prolly a combination of the two, no?  It's these little revelations that sometimes explode into bigger personal dramas or, worse, personal excuses...

This Is Why I Am Single; sometimes I'm like my alleged father.

Now, please enjoy a vintage photo of me with my coffee-pushing Grandma, prolly right after a cup o' morning joe...

Gay of A Certain Age - Little Orphan Danny

After that little kerfuffle with my alleged father, it occurred to me that, unless I get on with adopting a  child (mental children adopting children??), I'm not going to have someone of my own to call unnatural and evil.  (saddy face)    Along with that, I won't have any children to take care of me in my older age.  Then again, while I am terrifically grateful to my sisters for taking the lead on caring for our lovely mother, I'm not bending, even in the slightest, to make sure my alleged father is being taken care of.  So, even if I DID have a kid I could call unnatural and evil, it still is no guarantee they'd wanna stick around to make sure I'm gumming my One A Day gummies each morning.  Don't worry, I'm not even considering adopting.  What I do have to consider is the relationships I have with siblings and friends.  Who will I have around me in the sunset years?  While I ponder that, please read this little ditty on Aging Alone.

Gay of A Certain Age - When Anger Blogs

I am certain I'm a happy person... I feel very fortunate to have the life I have and the ability to live as I do.  This weekend I was reminded that I have plenty of love and support from friends and family and I am grateful.  My post about my anger at something my Alleged Father posted elicited some responses I wasn't expecting.  I certainly hope the post did not come across as a desperate bid for attention, (although the attention paid was much appreciated).  I've seen enough episodes of THE PRACTICE & some LA LAW to know that there is need for a re-direct.

Sometimes, especially in a self-righteous rage, my words may seem stronger than intended.  I worry (and understand if)  my message may have been misunderstood.  So, here is where I will redirect (If I may, Judge Judy, your honor...)  My message should have been "Please don't simply like and share propaganda without taking time to think if it's something you actually do feel and agree with."  Simple, right?   My presentation and word choices most likely steered readers to believe my message was "I hate my alleged father who hates me first!"  That wasn't my intention and certainly not what I meant.  I apologize to my siblings (Thank you for your messages) if I caused you any stress or worry. While his post did anger me and I do still hold some resentments that I am not shy to air & stand by, I do not hate my alleged father or believe that he actually meant the post as a personal attack.

As a Gay of A Certain Age, I've come to understand that writing about one thing, while feeling strongly about another can lead to a misleading message.  I also realize there might be a nicer way to call someone out on their crap.

This Is Why I Am Single - My Alleged Father Part 4

I'll tell you, Facebook must be one of the worst inventions to ever be inflicted on the human race.  One of the worst things about it is that once parents catch on to the thing, they wanna "friend" their children.  The children, of course, are mortified because this is the moment they have to either take the risk of offending their parents with a "No, thank you" or actually changing and living their life in a way that their parents would approve.  I fall somewhere in the middle of that.  When I got a request from my mother, whom I love very much, I flinched.  Then, I thought about my Facebook life; I try to be a good person, have a positive attitude and and only occasionally burst into fits of rage that result in a post.  Then, there's the whole gay aspect; not that I'm ashamed of being gay or living a "gay lifestyle" or having drag be a huge part of my actor life, it's those Gay friends who sometimes post naughty things on pages... But heck, I think my ma knows she's taking that risk. I happily hit "Accept" on that friend request.  Then on the other side, I got a request from my alleged father.  We don't communicate much, but I was game.  I popped on over to his page to see what I would be getting into.  I found that he likes to post A LOT!  Sometimes he posts in all caps and sometimes more that 10 things in an hour.  The stuff he posts is usually religious or very political.  I thought, "No, thanks!  I don't need to see that popping up on my news feed 10 times each hour!"  So, I let that request sit there, I didn't deny it, I just let it sit.  I figured that all my settings are set to "public" so anyone can see what I post, therefore he access to my stuff, and I have access to his without the formal "accept" that would put all that stuff on my news feed. It works!  ...And, to be honest, a little part of me got some satisfaction from withholding from him as "revenge" for his absence in the past.

A thing about the Facebook in the last year or so; our political climate has become so polarizing and, in my opinion, dangerous that with so many exaggerated  forces pulling people to either side, it's easy to fall prey to crap that re-enforces one's view and pass it on.  I get it.  Sometimes, it feels irresponsible to NOT post something political.  Personally, my anti-Cheetohead posts consist of his picture stamped "Not My President" and "Fake President" to clearly state my stance and all other stuff I post or re-post I take from reliable news sources or clearly opinion-based pieces.  (Unless it's something REALLY funny or clever... then I might give in to temptation)  Otherwise, my posts are the usual show notifications, puppies, Dunnys and shirtless hot mens.  I have family members who occasionally post something that is in direct opposition to my views, but I've never felt personally attacked.  That was until yesterday, when I saw this posted on my alleged father's wall...

Not only is the meme, itself, anti-gay, he took the time to add "it's unnatural and evil".
If you click on the pic, you can see at the bottom where I immediately commented, "Your faggot son is unnatural and evil..."   SERIOUSLY?  I don't think I've ever heard a parent refer to their own child as evil, but here it is, proudly posted on his wall for all to see.  After I commented, I blocked him and deleted the friend request.  I mean, really!   What really bugs the fuck out of me is that this man, who seemed to have no problem that I, as a preschooler, knew of his mistress, Minerva, and knew that she was his side cooze;  Who had no qualms introducing me, a grade-schooler, to his illegitimate daughter, Myra, whom he fathered while still married to my mother;  Who had no problem living with Minerva or moving to California while still married to my mother and leaving her to raise four of his who-knows-how-many of his children by herself;  Who seemed quite comfortable barging in and crashing with us in between his bouts of employment (proudly displaying his Benny and the Amazing Technicolor Dream Boot collection along the wall, but not putting in for groceries);  Who had no issues, paying the Church to annul his marriage to my mother so that he may marry another woman in the Church. (So am I a bastard in the eyes of the Church since my parent's marriage never existed?); Who ( I honestly don't know how he took that other wreck of a marraige) racked up a second divorce:  After all that; infidelity, children out of wedlock, and two divorces, he is going to preach about the sanctity of marriage AND tell me I'm evil and unnatural?  Fuck that!

You know, it took me a long time to sort all of that stuff out in my head and heart to not hate the man.  I worked hard to try to see things from his side and thought, "He's just a guy whose dreams were too big for his circumstances..."  People make mistakes...  I let it go.  Until now.

I may be playing up the drama, I am a thespian (also unnatural & evil), after all...
It's not such a bold move that I've made here.  If I had forgiven and forgotten all that, I also never felt like I needed his approval or attention, frankly.  I'm just saying, that if you request your son's friendship on the Facebook, you may not wanna call him Unnatural and Evil.

This Is Why I Am Single; My alleged Father believes that I should not have the right to be married.

This Is Why I Am Single - My Alleged Father 3

I woke up this morning and logged on to Facebook to see all of the tributes
to dads, living & dead. Happy Father's Day!
I'm not posting one of those today, at least not for my alleged father.
I don't mind seeing others post their glad tidings to the men who raised
them and were there to influence their lives, in good ways and odd.
I'm glad for them.  Also, I am sad for those who make their posts in memory
of their fathers who have died, who were taken away from them.
I know the absence, but for me (and many others) it is different because my alleged father
chose his absence.
As I grew up and saw images like these

I saw what my relationship was "supposed" to be like.  

I think I adjusted pretty well, for a kid.  I had my mom for all of my survival needs 

(and she worked harder than most people should have to).  I just learned to do without.

I learned to do the things that needed to be done, like shaving, by doing them.  Trail & error

kind of stuff.  I didn't need someone to teach me. (Although, I do remember my cousin poking fun at me because I applied my deodorant, "like a woman".  I guess a lot of my learning was from observing. Apparently, I never saw my brother put on deodorant.)  

(Also, to this day I still haven't learned to tie a tie, but I mostly don't learn so that I will

keep the opportunity to ask any hunk nearby to show me...

)

Now, as an adult and as a gay of a certain age, I do look back and miss those moments

a little, but what stings about it is that those moments didn't happen because they were

inconvenient.  Maybe I'd feel a little better about it if in his absence my alleged father had made a great breakthrough in some specific field, if he had become a great success at something because he dedicated all of his time to it, but that's not the case.  

There is no great legacy that will replace the lost father/son bonding.

Actually, I don't need anything from him like that, lost moments are lost.

I'm not posting this as a "wah wah wah, poor me", this about another bit of damage that 

has resulted.  I don't hate my alleged father, sometimes I do worry about him a little,

but what I feel most where he's concerned is disappointed.

This is why I am single; while a good portion of my worries about me in a relationship is

that I'll find out that I can be just as selfish as my alleged father, the bigger issue is 

that because of that, I withhold. This does not occur only in romantic (I guess potentially romantic) relationships.  I withhold my emotions and trust because if I get too far in, I may be the one that causes that disappointment.  I suppose it's also to protect myself from the possibility of experiencing it, but honestly I've faced disappointment enough to know I can handle it and things get better.

All I know for sure is that I don't want to be the source of that for someone else.  I don't want to be like him.  CLICHE' ALERT We can't help becoming our parents.  I mean that to say, couldn't the withholding on my part be just as disappointing.  I don't know who I'm protecting or how.  I don't know why I don't trust others to handle disappointment from me.  So, now let me say that my biggest worry is that I won't be able to stop withholding.  I may never be brave enough to just go balls out, completely open, fully trusting with someone.  THEN, start worrying that I'll be selfish and disappoint them!  Golly, I guess my alleged father gave ME the gift that keeps giving...

In all honesty, I find it hard to picture my alleged father's dad, taking him aside and living out the Norman Rockwell Pops & Junior moments, so I don't know if he was even capable of doing those things with me.  I just think he should have at least tried.   And if Grandpa was not the best father and that's my alleged father's excuse - he should just buck up and start his own blog!

This Is Why I Am Single - My Alleged Father 2

My alleged father, whether he meant to or not,
instilled in me a great appreciation for movies.
I can remember days, pre-school, or in summer that we spent in movie theaters
and nights in the backseat with pillows & blankets,
sneaking peeks at other movies around us at the Cinema Park Drive-In.

One of the nights I'll always remember is the night in 1973 when my alleged father
told me we were going to the movies.  As we left the house, it was just me and him,
so I assumed it was a rare father/son outing.
I'd say I was excited about having rare bonding time with my alleged father,
but I was a kid and I was really excited about the movies- a double feature!
That was until we made a stop before arriving at the Capri Theater down town and
picked up Minerva- The Side Cooze.

The Capri was one of a few movie theaters in down town El Paso, Texas,
where we would spend countless hours watching movies with my alleged father.
I think I remember seeing Tidal Wave, Beyond the Door, The Legend of Hell House, 
Phantom of the Paradise and many other age inappropriate movies there.
And they we always double features.

This particular evening, the fine pairing started with the classic, Ride In a Pink Car.

I was 5 or 6 years old, so I don't remember much about this movie except the title, 

car chases, foul language and a lot of yelling.  I also don't remember if I was snacking, 

but probably not, because my alleged father was cheap.

The follow up movie was the confusing Wonder Women.

I say it was confusing because when my alleged father told me the title,
I was expecting Diana Prince and her super hero alter-ego.  There was none of that.
There were a bunch of women on an island, and there was a lab set, and mutants, then all hell breaks loose, some of them fall in the water and get shot in the boobies.  I think I remember that much because it was all so fantastical.
As I sit here and write this, I'm trying to remember what the seating arrangement was, it was a week night, so the place wouldn't be crowded... was I in my own row and they were behind me, were we all in the same row...
was I all alone for the length of two movies and not even aware of it?
Anyway, as an adult looking back, I'm sure there was some hanky-panky going on between my
alleged father and the side cooze during the show.  There had to have been.  Right?

Here is why I am Single...  When we got home, I remember I was dropped off and my alleged father
did not come in.  I was greeted by my oldest sister, at that moment an angry 11 or 12 year old, who grabbed my arm and pulled me to my mother's room.  There was my mother, in her bed with eyes
filled to the brim with tears.  My sister said, "You did that!"  I entered my mother's room and
went to her and quietly asked, "What's wrong, Mommy?"  She took a gulp, or two, of air and
said, "Nothing. Nothing, I'm just a little sad."  I still felt guilty.
Clearly, since my alleged father's side cooze was not much of a secret in our home,
my sister figured out who I had gone to the movies with, and if an 11 year old could put it
together, certainly my mother knew.  I had no idea, that when my alleged father said, "Get in the car, we're going to the movies." he was actually saying, "Come with me, we're gonna break your mother's heart."
Looking back on it, I think he thought he was being clever
saying he was taking his little boy to the movies and the sneaking the side cooze with us.
Was he unaware that we all knew who she was?  How could that be possible?
Who did he think we thought she was?  Incestuous Auntie Minnie?
How could anyone use their child like that?
How could anyone stay married to a man like that?
Could I do that?  Could I use my child? Could I stay with a man who would use his child?
In my case, my child would probably be a chihuahua I've yet to adopt, but the questions still stand.

Despite my mother swallowing her pain and saying nothing that would make me think I did anything to hurt her, I can't help but feel a little twinge of guilt.  I know that I, as a 6 year old, did nothing wrong.  Maybe it's still in my head because my sister said, "You did this."  I don't blame her. She was just a kid, herself and I did appear to be a disloyal little monkey. There's an icky feeling it always give me to think about it and if there's anything I can do to prevent an innocent
chihuahua from feeling like this, I'll just stay single.

This Is Why I Am Single - My Alleged Father 1

This is my favorite photo of the man I call My Alleged Father.
I call him that, playfully, because he wasn't around much
when I was growing up and when he was around,
he was usually a drain for my mother.  My mother, and relatives on his side
of the family would tell me that I looked a lot like him as I was growing up.
Some said that we were very much alike.
Being that he wasn't around much, I never saw the similarities.  I do now.

I like this photo because it's one of the few similarities I don't mind.
It shows his sense of humor and hamminess.
I started realizing our similarities when I stumbled upon one of my mother's
high school year books and discovered that my father was a member of the Drama Club,
just like I was.  Then, I realized my love for movies came from him.  I remember he used to
take us to the movies ALL THE TIME!  Sometimes it was even a triple feature.
(I used to think he was cool for that, until I realized a little while back, that he did it
because he didn't know how, or want, to interact with his children.)
One time, I stunned myself when I started plucking stubble from my face
with my fingers.  Gross. Why was I doing that?  It became an uncontrollable habit.
Then, I remember seeing my father do it all the time.  Do we really inherit our parents habits?
If I inherited that dandy gross habit, then I must have gotten my dreamer tendencies from him, too.
My alleged father always has a dream ready to go.
Most of them manifested as money making schemes, that never lasted very long...
That is, once the money didn't immediately materialize he was out.
That made it very difficult to support a wife and kids, but it didn't stop him.
Where I think a more responsible person would just give up the schemes and get a steady job
and, at least, help raise four kids, he would just move on to the next project.
That's where I started to notice how selfish he was.

He wanted to have money.  I'm not sure if he wanted to make money, I'm sure he wanted to have it.
He is a classic "Have your cake and wear it, too" type of man.  The time he did have a steady job, (That I was old enough to remember) he was a manager at a famous boot company.
During that period, my parents' bedroom walls were lined with pairs of every exotic boot there was.
He had boots made out of snakes, alligators, ostriches, sharks and many more of the ilk.  I'm sure there was one pair fashioned out of real genuine Mogwai!  Even though he had a job and all these fabulous boots, it was still up to my mother to feed and clothe us.  Of course, he felt welcome to that partial full refrigerator, too.  The boots were only a small example of this selfishness, there are others.

You see, my alleged father is also the classic, "Have your Jane and eat her, too" type of man.
As a child in Kindergarten, I knew that my alleged father had a mistress, or Side Cooze as I call her.
I knew exactly what a mistress was, while other kids were still learning that a kitten is a baby cat.  The Side Cooze, Minerva, was not exactly a beauty and she had a voice like Minnie Mouse swallowing glass, so even as a child, I could hardly imagine why my alleged father would favor her over my darling mother.  But there it was, I'm not sure I understood the dynamic, but I understood that there was another woman in my alleged father's life, who wasn't my mother and it hurt her.
I don't remember my mother being particularly dramatic over the situation, or even embarrassed,
but I do remember it hurt her.
What a selfish man.  I don't know how it came about, but there he was, a man with a wife, a mistress and four children ( with my mother, anyway), but it still didn't seem like enough.
Growing up with it has made me worried and This Is Why I am Single.
It's not because I worry that I will end up with a man like my alleged father,
who would cheat on me and flaunt it in my face and drain me like a leech in snakeskin boots,
it's because I worry that I could be like him.
If we have so many similarities, what if that is one of them?
What if I can be that selfish?