Gift Ideas for the Dying Alone - Sad? Not For Long!

We're getting into gift-getting-crunch time for Chistmakuah!  I know a few of you have those uncles you really care about and can not bare to get another GOLDEN GIRLS themed item, so I present you with this gift idea; THE HOME SAD DETECTOR!  This fabulous item is great for those who are dying alone and have no one there to tell them when they're being pathetic.  I got one for my birthday in October, thank you dear nephew Carlos, Jr! (Oh crap!  I just realized that we have the same birthday and I didn't send him anything... I'm a bad Funny Uncle).  Anyway, I love my Home Sad Detector.

Here's how it works; mounted on a wall in between your living room and bedroom, it monitors and waits judgementally to warn you when it senses your behavior becomes sad.  I've had it for only two months and already it's helped me many times!  It seems to have an unlimited amount of phrases in its memory card.  I've heard it say; "Bzzz. You've watched 10 episodes of JUDGE JUDY without leaving that chair.  That's sad.", "Bzzz.  You've been wearing those jeans for five days in a row.  That's sad.", "Bzzz. You keep checking for text messages even though there's been no indication of activity on your phone.  That's sad.", "Bzzz. You keep watching EMPIRE. It's not going to get any better.  That's sad." and my favorite so far, "BZZZ.  Jesus Christ!  It smells like the Pilsbury Dough Boy killed himself by shooting himself with a can of instant biscuits after working out with a sardine trainer and his rotting body is decaying into a puddle of silicone!  THAT'S SAD! Open a fucking window!"  I guess it's programmed with an emotion chip because it sure sounded angry.

There's no telling what this Home Sad Detector will say next!  As the box says, "Each phrase is a humiliating, but needed surprise."  That is except for the the phrase at the bottom of the package which is printed and red and is marked A PHRASE YOU MAY NOT HEAR: "You haven't moved in three days. You are dead. That's sad. I'm contacting the coroner."

If you do go with a GOLDEN GIRLS themed gift, try the books GOLDEN GIRLS FOREVER by Jim Colucci or BETTY WHITE RULES THE WORLD by Mike Pingel.

Gay of A Certain Age - A Thanksgiving Day Turkey Trot

Back in Idyllwild, I awoke Thanksgiving morning to find that it was simply a gorgeous day!  Muh DAB, Dennis and I decided to load the pup in the car and make our way up into the mountains and take a hike.

We picked the Ernie Maxwell Scenic Trail.

The trail is about 4.6 miles, round trip.  Intimidated, we figured we could just go half way and turn back.

Thing is, how do you know how far half way is?   So we kept going until we reached the end of the trail.  Along the way we saw scenic stuff. Like, lovely signs of autumn...

and huge rocks, on top of which one could contemplate life...

I must admit that I was disappointed by the end of the trail, because I imagined it would end at the edge of a cliff overlooking all of Idyllwild, but it was just and abrupt end at the side of a road, with no view.  We sat a bit, talked with the people around us, did a Facebook Live video, then started back.  It was then that we realized that we started at the wrong end because it became apparent that the 2.5 miles back was uphill.  Not ones to complain, we just soldiered on appreciating the reverse view, which included cute other hikers

...and their dogs

and we enjoyed having a nice hunky hiker capture the moment for us (OMG! He touched my camera, so when I hold my camera, it's like I'm touching him!)

We made it to the end without much drama at all.

We still had enough energy to pose for portraits with Enzo.

Then, it was home for another soak in the hot tub.  I also spent some time calming down my Fitbit because it was so excited to get over 16, 000 steps!!

After the hot tub, I did a little required Holiday viewing...

I always enjoy watching HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS during Thanksgiving.  That dinner table scene is so enjoyable and I love when Cynthia Stevens yells, "Cocksucker!" at Robert Downey Jr.  The moment is so awful and delicious at the same time, just as thanksgiving should be.

For dinner, we walked down the road to The Gastrognome

where I had a little bit of a challenge securing a reservation, but was confirmed in time to rest assured we'd have a nice dinner.

It was a fixed menu, but they were nice enough to plan ahead for glutey-free people, like me.  I know, the portion looks small, but it was surprisingly filling and quite tasty.  The best part, of course, was the pumpkin mousse for dessert.

  After our five mile hike, neither Dennis nor I worried about calories.

As a Gay of A Certain Age, I've learned that no matter how lazy I think I am, I can really surprise myself with how many steps I can get on my Fitbit in a day!  Also, I know that Thanksgiving Day is a time to remember one's blessings, like the company of a great friend and his adorable dog.  Thanks, Dennis!

WTF - Handy Man of My Dreams

So one time I was asleep and stuff.  I was having the most delightful dream about being in love with a very handsome man.  He obviously felt the same way about me.  I could tell that by the way we simply held hands and stared in each others eyes.  I must have dreamt that all night because I could feel my body slipping from dreamworld into the faint glow of morning's light.  I tried to hang on to the dream as long as I could and felt myself drift into that middle area between and sleep and consciousness.  That's when my total delight turned into ABSOLUTE HORROR!!!!  I was half asleep but I could feel that I was actually holding somebody's hand!  WTF? Who the hell is in my bed?  Why don't I remember falling asleep with someone next to me?  As I became fully awake I slowly released the hand, as not to disturb my mysterious and unexpected guest.  Is there anything worse than waking up completely terrified?  I finally turned to see who was there.  There was no one there.  I got even more frightened because that means that I am absolutely losing my mind!  I KNOW I was holding a hand!

When I surveyed the area next to me I found Jake Ryan and an Alien.  THAT'S who it was!

That stupid Alien plushy toy!  Somehow in the night, my hand had found the sturdy, but soft toy and grasped it like a hand.  It is the exact perfect size to feel like a slightly large hand wrapped around mine.  I giggled to myself like a truly insane person. I wasn't crazy, after all.  I know I should prolly move that toy to a less sleep threatening place, but for now I'll keep him in his regular place, keeping Jake Ryan at bay...

Getting Out - An Idyllwild Adventure

Finally, a moment has occurred that I may update the tens of you who visit my blog about my Thanksgiving week and valuable lessons that I learned from being in a cabin in the woods and the sexy desert gay city of Palm Springs.  Immediately, muh DAB, Dennis and I were taken by the small town charm of Idyllwild, from the local food & stuff stores

to the lovely citywide art project

to the gnome-loving tributes around town

even the one and only movie theater with one and only one showtime...

Luckily, Dennis had some screeners.

We stayed in a lot and watched movies all day... Lord knows we couldn't pass time on the internet, since it was spottier than all dalmatians pelts in Cruella's cape.  We watched EYE IN THE SKY (liked), CAPTAIN FANTASTIC (really liked), HUNT FOR THE WILDERPEOPLE (really, really liked) and SING STREET (loved).  Also, we watched HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS which I've seen many times before, but is required viewing for Thanksgiving.  Of course, we took in a 7:00 showing of FANTASTIC BEASTS (liked).

We also learned how to use this thing called a hot tub.  Have you heard of that?  It was really nice...

So nice, we braved the cool weather to try it out quite often, just to make sure we were doing it right.

We were only there for four days, but we really made ourselves at home.  I made a lovely centerpiece for outdoor dining

Dennis made a dent in one of the sofas that looks just like him

And, what could be my favorite event of the week, Dennis' dog, Enzo, learned how to climb stairs for the first time and would randomly walk up and down the stairs throughout the day, just because he could.

So, Getting Out of West Hollywood for Thanksgiving seems to have been a great idea.  Aside from visiting a new place that I've never been and watching a crap load of good movies, I got to relax and not worry about much (after I accepted that the wifi signal was never going to be solid).  I really enjoyed the charm of this town.

Might I say, I would love to see the place really done up for Christmas.  We left the morning of the day they lit the town tree for the holiday.  Walking the streets at the pitch dark hour of 6:00 PM, I was treated to this little preview of things to come.

Don't let me get head of myself, I still haven't told you about Thanksgiving Day..!

From the Interwebs - Sad Season

You can gleen wisdom from The Captain

on Twitter HERE

Getting Out - Krampus Muh Style

I know I haven't finished telling you about my Thanksgiving adventure, but I got out of the house and I wanted to tell you about it before it got stale... So last night I went to a show with muh DAB, Dennis Hensley, and friends Ray & Carlos.  We went to see BOB'S HOLIDAY OFFICE PARTY.  Even though I missed it last year, I've been to this show every year for the last ten years or so, sometimes more than once a year.  It's a messy good time that Dennis and I have enjoyed together and this year we each brought a new person, which is another source of joy.

Watching Ray and Carlos laugh with giddy delight added to my love for this show.

Of course, amongst the many talented cast members I've seen in the show, I always get a candy cane boner for Maile Flanagan as LaDonna.

After the show, we all parted ways and I headed over to The Eagle to enjoy a little Krampus chaos.

As you know, I rarely go out to the bars & clubs because I'm an old stick in the mud old man, who'd rather sit at home alone and whine in my blog about being single, but I figured this was on the way home, so why not?  Plus, I do enjoy a great theme.

I was pleasantly surprised to happen upon some of muh DABS decked out in theme-appropriate clothings (and non-clothings). 

Hi, Dudley!  

Hi Kevin!

I also enjoyed the Jello Shot service...

who doesn't love Jello?

There was also the thrill of getting up close and personal with the Krampus Dancers

and swapping sugar cookie recipes

The ultimate thrill of the night was 

getting to spend time and bond with my dear friend
KRAMPUS

Yes, Krampus is a good friend...

...to many

In the end, I didn't mind that I stayed a little too late (mostly because I kept hoping to get to make out with any one of my three targets, and not getting to do anything except watch helplessly as target #3 left without ever knowing my love for him and his scruffy beard.   ...And, could he have have left an hour earlier, please?)  Even without any progress on the romantic front, I was very happy that I got out and got felt up by a Christmas half-goat/half-demon, felt the warmth of the company of friends and a few gin & tonics.

Gobble, Let's