Saturday, December 17, 2016

Gift Ideas for the Dying Alone - Sad? Not For Long!

We're getting into gift-getting-crunch time for Chistmakuah!  I know a few of you have those uncles you really care about and can not bare to get another GOLDEN GIRLS themed item, so I present you with this gift idea; THE HOME SAD DETECTOR!  This fabulous item is great for those who are dying alone and have no one there to tell them when they're being pathetic.  I got one for my birthday in October, thank you dear nephew Carlos, Jr! (Oh crap!  I just realized that we have the same birthday and I didn't send him anything... I'm a bad Funny Uncle).  Anyway, I love my Home Sad Detector.

Here's how it works; mounted on a wall in between your living room and bedroom, it monitors and waits judgementally to warn you when it senses your behavior becomes sad.  I've had it for only two months and already it's helped me many times!  It seems to have an unlimited amount of phrases in its memory card.  I've heard it say; "Bzzz. You've watched 10 episodes of JUDGE JUDY without leaving that chair.  That's sad.", "Bzzz.  You've been wearing those jeans for five days in a row.  That's sad.", "Bzzz. You keep checking for text messages even though there's been no indication of activity on your phone.  That's sad.", "Bzzz. You keep watching EMPIRE. It's not going to get any better.  That's sad." and my favorite so far, "BZZZ.  Jesus Christ!  It smells like the Pilsbury Dough Boy killed himself by shooting himself with a can of instant biscuits after working out with a sardine trainer and his rotting body is decaying into a puddle of silicone!  THAT'S SAD! Open a fucking window!"  I guess it's programmed with an emotion chip because it sure sounded angry.

There's no telling what this Home Sad Detector will say next!  As the box says, "Each phrase is a humiliating, but needed surprise."  That is except for the the phrase at the bottom of the package which is printed and red and is marked A PHRASE YOU MAY NOT HEAR: "You haven't moved in three days. You are dead. That's sad. I'm contacting the coroner."

If you do go with a GOLDEN GIRLS themed gift, try the books GOLDEN GIRLS FOREVER by Jim Colucci or BETTY WHITE RULES THE WORLD by Mike Pingel.

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