F.U. Cupid - All About Him

When I visit this site, which is usually only when I get a message from someone or the Cupidbot sends me a notice that someone likes me, I try to do it with an open mind.  I know I can be very judgmental.  I kept that in mind when I was creating my profile.  Instead of saying what I didn't want, I put up things I wanted, then lay little tests that would let me know if a responder "got" me or not; like my posting of a Kids in the Hall monologue for "What I Often Think about".  Anyway, I really get bugged by some profiles that immediately put me on edge.  Like this one:

(Click the pic, read for yourself)

I look at the profile pic and think, "My, this is a handsome fellow.  I wouldn't mind sharing a malted with him at the local five and dime."  Then I'm immediately turned off by the following;

1:  WeHo/Chealsea, you are simply not my jam.

     WTF?  I'm already disqualified because of my address?

     Or is he one of those idiots that lumps everybody into one category because he finds the behavior        of some people from the same area distasteful?
     Yes, everybody in this 1.3 mile area acts exactly the same way and should automatically be

      dismissed.  Besides, Chelsea isn't even Chelsea anymore, what with 8th avenue 

      invaded by banks, nail salons and drugstores & G Lounge closing along with mostly all the

      others... This ass has the nerve to bundle me in with whatever stereotype he has in his douchey 

      mind without having even met me and that bugs me!

2: "Oh and girl, please put a shirt on unless you're at the beach.  My personal value does not 

       rely on my physical currency"

      Fortunately, you can not hear me screaming like a rhino that has stubbed his toe on an arrant

      coffee table in the savanna.  First of all, the use of "Oh and girl..." sounds a lot like 

      WeHo/Chelsea stereotype that is not his jam, so he suffers from self-hate. Got it.  Next, more

       judgement on the guys who work out and like to show off and, perhaps give the impression that

       their physical beauty is all they have to offer. Listen, I very much enjoy seeing hot shirtless

      mens flaunting their pectacular torsos and may even get down right giddy if I were to receive

      attention from one of them, but still, ultimately, I'd have to consider if they have intelligence

      and personality to go along with it.  I certainly wouldn't attempt to shame them in my dating

      profile.  Also, I caught the switch half way through that critical comment.  We start out talking 

       about "those" people, then suddenly we are talking about him. That statement should either

       read, "... please put a shirt on unless you're at the beach.  I hope your personal value does not

       rely on your physical currency" or  "...I'll  keep a shirt on unless I'm at the beach.  My personal

       value does not rely on my physical currency".  Either he's saying he does not care for the flaunty

       guys or that he is not a flaunty guy.  When you smash them together like that, you get more of

       the self hate.

3: "I excel at connecting with people..."

       Finally, I get a chuckle.  Seriously, he's going to start his profile by shutting down people in 

       back to back paragraphs and then say he excels at CONNECTING with people??   This is the 

       worst part;  I get the impression that he doesn't really know himself- at least not as much as he

       hates himself.

Despite immediate impressions, this post is not written to simply blast this guy, it's to say that I wish I could go on to a dating site and read a profile without feeling attacked.  It's hard enough to get the rejection after approaching someone, but to get rejected by simply reading their profile is just disturbing. I feel like I'm being pushed aside on my own screen!  Luckily, I've been watching CRIMINAL MINDS for over a decade, so I know and understand human behavior.  I can suss out, that the matter here is not with me, but with him.  It's all about him.

F.U. Cupid - Photo Snob

I've been so horribly busy during this heavy drag season that I haven't had a chance to sit down & blog for a bit!  I have, however, had time to suffer with messages from wannabe suitors on OK Cupid.  A few of muh DABs have had some nice dates with guys from OK Cupid, but I scarcely have.  I'm very dubious of on-line dating because I feel there are men out there who take advantage of on-line limitations.  Currently, I'm talking about the profile pictures.  Some guys use this to deceive or hide who they are.  Some guys do it to impress and some do it because they fear they are not attractive.  Whatever the reason is, it pisses me off that they want to invest time in exchanging emails forever, finally agree to meet and then get upset because they are busted.  I don't go for the, "I wanted you to get to know me before you judged me on my looks," excuse, because whatever they look like, I'll be judging them their lying and find it very hard to trust them again.  I'll have a 2nd or 3rd date with someone I don't think is terribly attractive, but is a great person, before I'll have even one with someone I don't think is terribly attractive and is a liar.  That is why I've become very adept at sorting these guys out, so I don't waste my time.  I'm going to share a few tips with you so that you don't waste your time, either, because if there's trouble in the pic, there's trouble at home!

Call me a photo snob, but I judge the profile from my first glance at the pic.  I think it's rather simple to have a good profile pic; it's well lit, clear and a plain representation of the subject.
Above is my current OK Cupid profile picture.

I confess it is a few years old, but it is a clear representation of me and if I showed up on a date with a little rounder face, I don't think anyone would be alarmed or feel cheated.

Here are a few things that really bother me about on-line dating pics:

(I've blocked eyes to prevent any embarassment on the subjests' part) 

THE HIDER

This is someone who doesn't need me to hide their identity because they do a super job of it on their own.  How am I supposed to know what he looks like if every one of his pics has him in sunglasses, a hat and a beard?  First off, I feel like he's hiding something; his age? his being on the FBI's most wanted list? his being possessed by a demon?  Either way, I know it's gonna take a long time to tear down that wall and if we ever dated and formed a relationship, this is the kind of guy where every week brings a new surprise; "You were married to a girl?", "You owe the IRS $120,000?", "You've never seen 9 TO 5??!!??"

THE DORIAN GREY REVERSER

This is the guy who ages, but his portrait never does!  He thinks you won't mind that he's 20 years older than you thought he going to be when he shows up for your Racketlon date.  You can usually tell a photo is way old when they are grainy, colors are faded, the outlines are fuzzy and Freddie Prinze is walking by in the background.  Look, sir, there are plenty of guys your age, who like to date people their own age, there are plenty of younger guys who love dating older men, but please don't try to make people think you're still 30 years old and get crushed when they leave you standing on the doorstep.  If these guys can't accept their age, what else are they in denial about?

THE QUICKER TOUCHER UPPER

This Glamour Shotz escapee puts out his own WANTED posters!  This guy is fast!  So fast that every photo of him is slightly blurry.  A a matter of fact, his skin seems really really really really smooth, his hair is darker than any other part of his body and his brows look very Siegel & Stockman mannequin-esque.  The scary thing is, they don't think you notice that their photo has been terribly re-touched to the point that it almost looks like a cartoon.  I suspect this guy tends to cover up a lot, but I prefer a guy who's willing to put it out there.

THE CUTE BY ASSOCIATION GUY

To me, this is one of the biggest cheats ever!  The guy with a prominently featured cute animal attached to him.  It's usually a dog, or most unforgivable, a puppy, that is used to get your "Awwww" factory going so that when you see him, you think you're "awwww"ing  because of him!  It's very subliminal and very crafty.  Sure, one of his supplemental pics could be one that shows he loves animals, but the profile pic should show he loves himself.  I'm immediately suspicious that if he uses his dog like this, how is he gonna use me?

THE GUESS WHO!

These profile pics annoy me the most!  I'm especially annoyed when they are followed by more multi-person photographs.  I'm sorry, but your 10 word self-description does not help me determine which one of these four guys is you. Sure, I could pore over your other pics with multiple guys in it and suss out the face that is common to them all, but who's got time?  Especially when I'm gonna end up thinking I'm gonna date your hot friend.  I think that's the bait in this one; it's "look at all my hot friends you'll get the hang around with if you date me."  Which is actually, "I'M NOT ENOUGH."  Again, it's good to know that someone has friends, but that should be one supplemental pic, not the whole lot and certainly not the profile pic.

THE DECAPITATED

Oy, this one!  

1.  If you're ashamed to be on this site..get off of it! 
2.  "My body is my only worth."
3.  "I don't really communicate well, but I know sex."
4.   "This isn't my body and you won't realize that when we meet, because you can't see my face."
5.   "My brain is exposed.  I have no skull cap"

I really don't know why someone finds shame in looking for someone on one of these sites.  Why else would they hide their face so obviously and violently?  If you have shame in finding love, then I hope you don't try to find it with me, because I have no time for shame or hiding like that.  I'll hide behind my sarcasm and passive aggressive behavior, thank you!  And you'll know exactly what I look like when I do!!

I'm not a trained psychologist, but I've watched all 11 seasons of CRIMINAL MINDS, so I think I've gotten pretty good at this.  So if you've recognized your profile pic in the ones above, I'm not saying you're a bad guy, or manipulative, but you might want to give more thought about why you've chosen the photo you picked to tell people who you are, and what you're telling them.

With mine, I think I'm telling people I'm a regular guy's guy, who's middle aged, probably ten pounds heavier than this shot, and thinks he knows it all.  What I hope they see in me is, hopefully, a person they'd want to know more about.