F.U. Cupid- It's a Zoo$k Out There

Alright, I'm not having much luck on FU Cupid, so when I saw a Top 10 New Dating Apps article, I just went ahead with their top choice, ZOOSK.  I hate it.

First of all, I posted a few pics that I think look like me...
This is my profile picture

I think it's pretty good; I'm looking directly in the camera, it's in focus, the background is only threatening to be more interesting than me, my smile indicates I'm happy to be here, fun & open and you can tell how fat I am by my face.  Nothing deceptive going on here besides a little color boost.

I set a up a profile, that could be better, but at least is very specific about what I like & who I am.

So, I set off on my new adventure, hopping on to the Carousel ride known as "Carousel" (If you're hep with movie references, 'Carousel' , in LOGAN'S RUN, was where people are spun around and shot to death when they reach 30 years of age, so to me, this is not a good thing).  Here, Carousel is where you click and either like or don't like guys based on only their photo using a big "X" or checkmark.  Immediately, I'm struck by the fact that there a lot of unfortunate looking fellas in my area.  I don't mean to sound snobby or Looksist, but so many of these guys look like they've given up!  I'm looking at a range between 35-60 and most of them have a look on their faces that looks like the wish they had opted for the Logan's Run Carousel years ago!  To be honest some of them might be more appealing if they had chosen photos that don't feature them in; 1. Sunglasses and hats (hiding them like some kind of kooky heroine in a 70's heist spoof) 2.  Pain (Seriously, some of the expressions on these guys make them look like they're passing a kidney stone!)  3. The middle of a convulsion (Shaky camera work, blurry photo... do they not know how to work a camera, decide what is a good photo or trying to hide something) 4. Swimwear that they should not be in (Usually, more coverage is preferred). 5. A line up at the police station (Some of these guys look like they just stepped out of prison, and not realeased for good behavior).

Look, I know picking a profile pic isn't the easiest thing in the world, but one should be concerned whether it is a basically good shot as well as one that conveys some truth about one's self.

Some of the basic mistakes I see are;

Distance Shots

I mean, c'mon!  I think you might be cute... the best I could tell from this shot is one's weight/body proportion (vaguely) and your next door neighbor is very kind for taking a picture for you from their living room window.

Bad Lighting

At least I know this guy has a head.  ... and central air (Bonus!)

Parts is Parts

The body parts shot is never more disturbing than when it is just a part of a face.  What's going on below the frame, you got the Alien retractable 2nd set of jaws down there?

Again, I hardly think I'm any sort of Adonis, but these issues in photos bother me not because I'm a photo snob (Which I am), but because they all occur for the one primary reason... they are hiding something.  I don't know if they're just shy, insecure or tricksters at heart, but I'm not attracted to any of those things, so I move on.  SERIOUSLY though, how difficult is it to get a well lit, in focus picture with your face in the middle of it???  

Then there are the ones whom I do find attractive, but are incompatible because their profile says things like "smoker", "fit for fit only" and the hugest turn off ever, "Straight acting here, looking for the same".  I can't believe people still write that shit and still don't know what it says about them.

Well, I did manage to find someone whose profile I found as attractive as their pic, so I sent him a message saying "Hi".  That's when the little window popped up "Upgrade if you want to know if he's read your message!"  Wait, I paid 59.99 for 3 months and that's not included?  I clicked on the button and found all these other NOT CHEAP upgrades that should be included for 59.99 (Which automatically renews!)   There is "Guarantee that anyone can respond to you" for 9.99 a month (Wait, I can send 15 messages to someone, but never know that they can't reply to me?- after paying 9.99 a month to know that they read message?) There's "Control your visibility" for 8.99 a month (is it worth that much to control whether a guy I'm not stalking can see if I looked at his profile?) There's "Boost your visibility" for 9.99 (Which implies that they are holding back my profile in some way- and that $59.99 is not enough) "Instant Crush" for 9.99 lets that person know that you like them when they randomly click on your profile, if ever. (So I click the star thingy to say I like someone, but they don't know until I pay extra?? WTF? Who the hell am I telling I like this person when I click the star, if not THAT guy???)  Of course, all of these boosts and bonuses renew automatically seperately, so you have to be on your toes or you could end up spending $100 on useless profiles & add ons.  I'm only slightly surprised I haven't seen "Cat In The Hat" which lets you know if the man you're talking to and really interested in is actually real or some being made up by the Assholes at Zoosk. "Anti-Vanity" for only 8.99 a month you can be sure that your profile is visible to more than just you!   At this rate, the stupid app should be called Zoo$k.

After this fresh hell, I've realized that OK Cupid isn't as bad as I thought, but still- this on-line dating stuff is crap- F U Cupid!!

F.U. Cupid - Can't Judge By Looks

I realize that I can be an ass about things, but come on!!   If you're going to have an on-line dating profile, you gotta have a photo.  If I get a message from someone without a photo, I immediately wonder what they are hiding.  If they are worried that I won't find them attractive, they SHOULD be!  I'm fairly sure that I wouldn't want to date anyone who didn't find me attractive.  So, hit me with your best (head) shot!  I might surprise you and find you attractive. So, let's get that out of the way up front.  Also, I'm not going to respond to someone I'm 95% fearing is actually Nathan Lane looking to get some--ICK!

Worse,yet, it really bothers me when someone doesn't realize I'm being as ass about things.  Click on the pic, make it larger so you can read the exchange.  I can't be with someone who doesn't KNOW.  I obviously went the rude route and instead of simply ignoring, responded with smart-asshole abandon.  Who would read my response and not think, "Wait?  I don't have a picture up, why do you say I'm good looking? Are you making fun of me, Rizz?" and then return the compliment?  I'll tell you who, the guy I'm not going to spend a dinner with, explaining my jokes, then trying to edit myself down to stuff I think he'll understand.  I know I'm tragically single.  I know I haven't been on a date in a long time.  Those facts are not going influence me to go on a date with some random, faceless guy, who wouldn't know sarcasm if it crawled up his ass and bloomed!  I'm not THAT alone.

Yes, he's probably a nice guy and I should consider that.  I did consider it and I also don't want to go out with someone who'd let me walk all over him.  I would have responded better to him if he had replied, "Ha ha, funny, asshole.  Here's my pic, so you'll know you were right without seeing it first.  Let's have a drink".  I really would have appreciated that.  And if he's a nice guy, who doesn't know any better, I've probably frustrated him and driven him to create his own blog about the troubles of dating.  Good for him, something to distract him from his inability to recognize sarcasm.

I'm fairly certain that I didn't hit "send" with my second response. I felt like an asshole enough with the first one and if he just didn't get it, who am I to make him feel bad for not getting it?  I left it so that with no response, there's a chance that I got hit by a truck and killed, before we could have a romance, marry and adopt faceless children.  I think he liked that better.

F.U. Cupid - Photo Snob

I've been so horribly busy during this heavy drag season that I haven't had a chance to sit down & blog for a bit!  I have, however, had time to suffer with messages from wannabe suitors on OK Cupid.  A few of muh DABs have had some nice dates with guys from OK Cupid, but I scarcely have.  I'm very dubious of on-line dating because I feel there are men out there who take advantage of on-line limitations.  Currently, I'm talking about the profile pictures.  Some guys use this to deceive or hide who they are.  Some guys do it to impress and some do it because they fear they are not attractive.  Whatever the reason is, it pisses me off that they want to invest time in exchanging emails forever, finally agree to meet and then get upset because they are busted.  I don't go for the, "I wanted you to get to know me before you judged me on my looks," excuse, because whatever they look like, I'll be judging them their lying and find it very hard to trust them again.  I'll have a 2nd or 3rd date with someone I don't think is terribly attractive, but is a great person, before I'll have even one with someone I don't think is terribly attractive and is a liar.  That is why I've become very adept at sorting these guys out, so I don't waste my time.  I'm going to share a few tips with you so that you don't waste your time, either, because if there's trouble in the pic, there's trouble at home!

Call me a photo snob, but I judge the profile from my first glance at the pic.  I think it's rather simple to have a good profile pic; it's well lit, clear and a plain representation of the subject.
Above is my current OK Cupid profile picture.

I confess it is a few years old, but it is a clear representation of me and if I showed up on a date with a little rounder face, I don't think anyone would be alarmed or feel cheated.

Here are a few things that really bother me about on-line dating pics:

(I've blocked eyes to prevent any embarassment on the subjests' part) 

THE HIDER

This is someone who doesn't need me to hide their identity because they do a super job of it on their own.  How am I supposed to know what he looks like if every one of his pics has him in sunglasses, a hat and a beard?  First off, I feel like he's hiding something; his age? his being on the FBI's most wanted list? his being possessed by a demon?  Either way, I know it's gonna take a long time to tear down that wall and if we ever dated and formed a relationship, this is the kind of guy where every week brings a new surprise; "You were married to a girl?", "You owe the IRS $120,000?", "You've never seen 9 TO 5??!!??"

THE DORIAN GREY REVERSER

This is the guy who ages, but his portrait never does!  He thinks you won't mind that he's 20 years older than you thought he going to be when he shows up for your Racketlon date.  You can usually tell a photo is way old when they are grainy, colors are faded, the outlines are fuzzy and Freddie Prinze is walking by in the background.  Look, sir, there are plenty of guys your age, who like to date people their own age, there are plenty of younger guys who love dating older men, but please don't try to make people think you're still 30 years old and get crushed when they leave you standing on the doorstep.  If these guys can't accept their age, what else are they in denial about?

THE QUICKER TOUCHER UPPER

This Glamour Shotz escapee puts out his own WANTED posters!  This guy is fast!  So fast that every photo of him is slightly blurry.  A a matter of fact, his skin seems really really really really smooth, his hair is darker than any other part of his body and his brows look very Siegel & Stockman mannequin-esque.  The scary thing is, they don't think you notice that their photo has been terribly re-touched to the point that it almost looks like a cartoon.  I suspect this guy tends to cover up a lot, but I prefer a guy who's willing to put it out there.

THE CUTE BY ASSOCIATION GUY

To me, this is one of the biggest cheats ever!  The guy with a prominently featured cute animal attached to him.  It's usually a dog, or most unforgivable, a puppy, that is used to get your "Awwww" factory going so that when you see him, you think you're "awwww"ing  because of him!  It's very subliminal and very crafty.  Sure, one of his supplemental pics could be one that shows he loves animals, but the profile pic should show he loves himself.  I'm immediately suspicious that if he uses his dog like this, how is he gonna use me?

THE GUESS WHO!

These profile pics annoy me the most!  I'm especially annoyed when they are followed by more multi-person photographs.  I'm sorry, but your 10 word self-description does not help me determine which one of these four guys is you. Sure, I could pore over your other pics with multiple guys in it and suss out the face that is common to them all, but who's got time?  Especially when I'm gonna end up thinking I'm gonna date your hot friend.  I think that's the bait in this one; it's "look at all my hot friends you'll get the hang around with if you date me."  Which is actually, "I'M NOT ENOUGH."  Again, it's good to know that someone has friends, but that should be one supplemental pic, not the whole lot and certainly not the profile pic.

THE DECAPITATED

Oy, this one!  

1.  If you're ashamed to be on this site..get off of it! 
2.  "My body is my only worth."
3.  "I don't really communicate well, but I know sex."
4.   "This isn't my body and you won't realize that when we meet, because you can't see my face."
5.   "My brain is exposed.  I have no skull cap"

I really don't know why someone finds shame in looking for someone on one of these sites.  Why else would they hide their face so obviously and violently?  If you have shame in finding love, then I hope you don't try to find it with me, because I have no time for shame or hiding like that.  I'll hide behind my sarcasm and passive aggressive behavior, thank you!  And you'll know exactly what I look like when I do!!

I'm not a trained psychologist, but I've watched all 11 seasons of CRIMINAL MINDS, so I think I've gotten pretty good at this.  So if you've recognized your profile pic in the ones above, I'm not saying you're a bad guy, or manipulative, but you might want to give more thought about why you've chosen the photo you picked to tell people who you are, and what you're telling them.

With mine, I think I'm telling people I'm a regular guy's guy, who's middle aged, probably ten pounds heavier than this shot, and thinks he knows it all.  What I hope they see in me is, hopefully, a person they'd want to know more about.

FU Cupid - The Sites

I currently have a profile up on OkCupid. I think it might be a little too quirky, but it's honest.
I might worry that I'll scare guys off with my Kids In The Hall quote for the I SPEND A LOT OF TIME THINKING ABOUT... section.  I think it's hilarious, but I suppose most guys are convinced I'm psychotically obsessed with some ex-lover named, Tony.  One very young would-be suitor sent me a message asking who Tony was.  I replied "We're all Tony" and got no response.  Sure, I'm scaring off millions of would-be suitors who don't get it, but think of the connection I'll probably have with the few that do get it and respond! ...the very few.  ..the none, yet.
The fact that my entire profile is some kind of test is a This Is Why I Am Single entry for later.  I'm here to bitch about the dating sites themselves.  My first target is OkCupid- Ugh!  I'm not a fan of on-line dating because I'm not into catalog shopping.  You know,  you see the picture, you order it and when it arrives, it's nothing like the picture!  It's not the right size!  It's broken!  It took weeks to arrive!  COD!  I much prefer window shopping.  You see it from the street, you go in, you check it out and then decide if you want to take it home.  No muss, no fuss.
I was encouraged by OkCupid because of the compatibility questions.  What a great idea; a series of general questions where you compare your answers with the answers of possible boyfriends!  I went nutsy answering a crap-load of them, (775 of them to be precise)!  I figured the more information, the better!  Imagine finding the guy that answered all 775 questions the same way I did! What a match!  The site takes these answers and matches them up with everyone else, so when you look at their profile, it automatically tells you the percentages of your compatibility- "Daniel Craig is 99% your Match; 1% your enemy" (The 1% difference is we disagree on favorite Bonds- he likes Roger Moore!). Not only do you answer your questions, you rate how important the answer is to you; "A little, somewhat, Very" as well as answers you'll accept; "Yes, no, Any of the above" to further help the analytics match you up! Very scientific for a site named after a Roman myth! This is going to rock!
Then, I started reading and comparing answers. The guys I thought were hot and compatible, turned out, not so much. The way they answered their questions started upsetting me. My Judge Judy response was on high! "How can you love dogs but not accept that I love dogs AND cats? How could it be THAT important to you?", "You think the Adam and Eve story should be taught along side Evolution? But your eyes are so gorgeous!","You're Republican?? But you said 9 TO 5 was your favorite movie!", "You're unsure if you enjoy dark, violent, or disturbing music, but you won't accept if I do when I'm in the mood? But your pecs are so big!"
I soon felt that the questions I answered were just 775 opportunities to think these guys are assholes before I even meet them! God only knows what they thought of me! I looked closer at some of the answers, what they are willing to accept and concluded that if one does not take time to read the instructions, it's easy to mess up the whole thing.  If it doesn't make sense that someone is ambivalent about a subject, but is so strongly opposed to your answer, they probably didn't click the right box.  It's all too detailed and delicate.  So now, I can't pay too much attention to the % of compatibility because I know they are wonky and the only information I can truly use to determine whether someone is my potential boyfriend is by the information they provide in their profile. Just like every other site.  So, FU, Cupid!  You're not so special!
And don't get me started on the questions that ask if you would ever be friends with a homosexual, or if you would ever date someone with a gay brother!  Would it kill a Roman God to, at least, figure the compatibility of their questions to their clients?  Fuckin' Cupid.

P.S. The above photo is my catalog shot- it is untouched.  I look like that, but I don't LOOK like that, you know?