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This Is Why I Am Single - REPULSION - A Guest Column

Muh DAB, Glenn Gaylord has something to say...

REPULSION

by Glenn Gaylord

 “I have passed some line, some place. I am beginning to repel people I'm trying to seduce.” 

Jane Craig (Holly Hunter) in BROADCAST NEWS

I’ve always been able to relate to the Jane Craigs of the world.  An outward firecracker who, when nobody’s watching, sits alone at home and cries.  I even admired how she would schedule her sob sessions, ending them abruptly with a little tug at the tissue dispenser.  When her boss told her, “It must be nice to always believe you know better, to always think you're the smartest person in the room,” Jane famously responded, “No, it’s awful”.  The smart lonely heart.  Jane was my role model, “except for socially” as Joan Cusack hilariously told her. 

I’ve always been fairly inept on a social level.  I’m blunt in a world full of conflict avoiders.  I’m a nerd about being reliable and on time in a world full of flakes.  I care about the world around me in a world that seldom cares back.  It’s awful, right Jane?

As for my love life, it’s been fairly non-existent.  People always tell me to stop looking and that it will come when I least expect it.  That strategy has never worked for me.  If I don’t make a first move, nothing moves.  I’ve never been the person who gets those calls from their friends that go something like, “So and so really likes you and asked me if you were single”.  If I go out, I never get hit on, and in the past couple of months I’ve been in 3 situations where I was surrounded by thousands of gay men, and I’ve never felt more invisible.  Sure, some of it is a product of my advancing age, but this was even true when I was a twink.  Some of it has to do with the fact that I’m terrible at “performing” for people.  I rarely say “Hey gurrrllll” and I don’t speak “DJ”.  I’ve never been very good at hiding my emotions.  If I’m having a good time, you’ll know it, and the opposite is even more apparent.  Still, I think I’m pretty witty, funny, have a great sense of adventure, career accomplishments, a loving family, and a genuine love of connecting with people.   

All of this is to say that I must have the worst resting bitch face on the planet, because, like my pal Jane, I’m starting to repel the people I’m trying to seduce. Yep, it’s happening.  I meet guys in all sorts of ways:  dating sites, apps (of all stripes), out and about, parties, museums, movie screenings, through friends, all of it.  Recently, I was out for a drink with a friend and ran into a delightful guy I know through work.  He was out with two of his friends, one with whom I felt an instant spark.  Not one to let life pass me by, I asked my friend if his pal was single.  He confirmed it, but also warned me that he has issues and I should steer clear.  The friend I was out with said I should just take a chance.  If there was a spark, why not explore it? 

So I did what any self-respecting fool would do and hit him up on Facebook.  Direct as usual, I told him it was great to meet him and asked if there was a spark.  He complimented me, used the “F” word (flattered…ugh!) and then continued by telling me that he has been with someone for the past 2 years and was very happy. 

When I took this info back to our mutual friend, he was surprised.  In fact, he said there was no way he was seeing someone.  Yep, things have gotten so bad that guys are now pretending to have boyfriends to avoid going out with me. 

A few weeks back, I met another guy at a party.  He had just moved to LA and, again, sparks.  Or so I thought.  We eventually exchanged numbers and met out for drinks.  You know those dates where the conversation flows so easily that hours go by without you knowing it?  It was one of those.  All of my past relationships started with such an epic running time of a first date, but, of course, the hammer came down.  It started out innocently enough.  He told me he hated living in his prior town because every guy he’d meet would tell him, “I’m not really looking to date”.  He said it was sucking his soul dry.  Wait a minute, that’s MY hashtag!  #MYDRYSOULISDEADINSIDE.  This sounded promising.  A like mind.  A guy who has grown tired of meeting unavailable men. 

And then this little nugget came out of his mouth, “And now, I’m that guy!  I’m not really looking to date”.  The proverbial air went out of the tires.  My inner voice raged, “THEN WHY ARE WE SITTING HERE?!!!!”  My outer voice just went, “Oh.  Cool.”  Oh, Cool?  There’s nothing cool about it.  It’s terrible!  It’s a tragedy!  On one hand you have everybody screaming about marriage equality rights, on the other,  NOBODY WANTS TO DATE!  Cupid, why hast thou forsaken me??!!!

Every time I walk away from these situations with my tail between my legs, my inner voice continues, “Maybe they’re just not into you.  Maybe you’re just not attractive enough.  Maybe they think you walk funny. Maybe you need to give up hope and just stop looking. Maybe you need to unplug your phone, and cry all alone like Jane Craig.”  

OR….maybe you need to write an article with the hope that a like mind will read this and will be the one to ask your friends about you!  Someone?  Anyone?  Is this thing on? 

This Is Why I Am Single - I'm Afraid of CATS and Catfish

So, I was scrolling up and down on the Facebooks, as I will, when I heard a little >ping<.  I had a friend request.  The guy was a cutie, and I didn't know him.  I generally don't accept friend requests from people I don't know (nowadays), but I'll make an exception if we have a lot of mutual friends or in this case, if they're really cute.  Immediately a saw a notice that I had been Poked.  It was this guy.  He's cute, so I poked back.  Then, he poked back. So, I poked back. Then, he poked back. So, I poked back. "Keep it up, Fella, I GOT ALL DAY!" Before I knew it, I had a message.  It was from the cutie I had friended not a few moments ago.  It was a very complimentary, right off the bat.  I was flattered and IMMEDIATELY SUSPICIOUS.  What kind of person just gives a compliment like that?  Great, I just accepted a friendship of someone who has targeted me as his (or her) next Catfish victim!  I mean, come on, I'm supposed to believe that some young guy, who basically looks like the guy pictured above, finds me attractive?  Not one to be of great judgment, I decided to play along and see where this went and how outrageous it would get.  To be sure, I didn't pour it on heavy, I just volleyed, in a very measured fashion.  It became very clear that this Catfisher wasn't going to play a slow game.  I took a day off to consider my strategy.   I SHAN'T BE PLAYED FOR A FOOL, DAN! IF THAT'S YOUR REAL NAME! (Not his real name).

"What if this is real?" That's a silly thought. Really?  This guy finds me attractive and would like to get together. NOT LIKELY!  I did my detectiving (What some others may call "stalking") and saw that his profile contained more than one photo of him and his Instagram was populated by more than one photo of him in different settings... He is cute... ...and I have had someone find me attractive before...  I decided to call his bluff!
 "You win.  Let's get together." I finally replied.  After some suspicious back & forth (I knew it...) we finally set a date and time. (Is that because we hit a stalemate if he didn't agree to meet?)  All day I was expecting the message that says, "Something suddenly came up." (Totally Marcia Brady voice)
And wouldn't you know it the last message I got from him was, word for word "found a space, I don't need a permit."  I KNEW IT!!  I WASN'T FOOLED FOR A SECOND!!  WHAT AN... oh wait.  He actually showed up?  DON'T GET TOO EXCITED.  When I open the door, he looks exactly like his pictures.  OMG! He looks exactly like his pictures!  I played it cool, like I always have gentleman suitors breaking down my door to court me. "Why, look, the last one left his spats by the door.  He must have over looked them for staring into my eyes so lovingly on his way out."  I think he bought it.

This Is Why I Am Single; I can't trust that someone I find very attractive finds thinks the same of me.  How many times has someone I'm totally gaga for given me the "green light" and I was too insecure to act on it?  How did I get it in my head that attractive guys are not into me?  The ultra-crazy thing is this guy seemingly came out of nowhere.  He was very direct without appearing pushy- I say I like that, but when it happens, I don't believe it.    Truthfully, when I get hits on the FU Cupid, it's usually from guys, though nice, I'm not attracted to or find shifty (like no profile pic).  It's rare that I get anything from a real hottie (if ever).  This threw me extra good because it didn't happen on any dating site.  Luckily, I trust my instincts, even if they did have to trick me into letting this happen.

He was quite personable, we had a very nice time and I hope to see him again.

F.U. Cupid - All About Him

When I visit this site, which is usually only when I get a message from someone or the Cupidbot sends me a notice that someone likes me, I try to do it with an open mind.  I know I can be very judgmental.  I kept that in mind when I was creating my profile.  Instead of saying what I didn't want, I put up things I wanted, then lay little tests that would let me know if a responder "got" me or not; like my posting of a Kids in the Hall monologue for "What I Often Think about".  Anyway, I really get bugged by some profiles that immediately put me on edge.  Like this one:

(Click the pic, read for yourself)

I look at the profile pic and think, "My, this is a handsome fellow.  I wouldn't mind sharing a malted with him at the local five and dime."  Then I'm immediately turned off by the following;

1:  WeHo/Chealsea, you are simply not my jam.

     WTF?  I'm already disqualified because of my address?

     Or is he one of those idiots that lumps everybody into one category because he finds the behavior        of some people from the same area distasteful?
     Yes, everybody in this 1.3 mile area acts exactly the same way and should automatically be

      dismissed.  Besides, Chelsea isn't even Chelsea anymore, what with 8th avenue 

      invaded by banks, nail salons and drugstores & G Lounge closing along with mostly all the

      others... This ass has the nerve to bundle me in with whatever stereotype he has in his douchey 

      mind without having even met me and that bugs me!

2: "Oh and girl, please put a shirt on unless you're at the beach.  My personal value does not 

       rely on my physical currency"

      Fortunately, you can not hear me screaming like a rhino that has stubbed his toe on an arrant

      coffee table in the savanna.  First of all, the use of "Oh and girl..." sounds a lot like 

      WeHo/Chelsea stereotype that is not his jam, so he suffers from self-hate. Got it.  Next, more

       judgement on the guys who work out and like to show off and, perhaps give the impression that

       their physical beauty is all they have to offer. Listen, I very much enjoy seeing hot shirtless

      mens flaunting their pectacular torsos and may even get down right giddy if I were to receive

      attention from one of them, but still, ultimately, I'd have to consider if they have intelligence

      and personality to go along with it.  I certainly wouldn't attempt to shame them in my dating

      profile.  Also, I caught the switch half way through that critical comment.  We start out talking 

       about "those" people, then suddenly we are talking about him. That statement should either

       read, "... please put a shirt on unless you're at the beach.  I hope your personal value does not

       rely on your physical currency" or  "...I'll  keep a shirt on unless I'm at the beach.  My personal

       value does not rely on my physical currency".  Either he's saying he does not care for the flaunty

       guys or that he is not a flaunty guy.  When you smash them together like that, you get more of

       the self hate.

3: "I excel at connecting with people..."

       Finally, I get a chuckle.  Seriously, he's going to start his profile by shutting down people in 

       back to back paragraphs and then say he excels at CONNECTING with people??   This is the 

       worst part;  I get the impression that he doesn't really know himself- at least not as much as he

       hates himself.

Despite immediate impressions, this post is not written to simply blast this guy, it's to say that I wish I could go on to a dating site and read a profile without feeling attacked.  It's hard enough to get the rejection after approaching someone, but to get rejected by simply reading their profile is just disturbing. I feel like I'm being pushed aside on my own screen!  Luckily, I've been watching CRIMINAL MINDS for over a decade, so I know and understand human behavior.  I can suss out, that the matter here is not with me, but with him.  It's all about him.

F.U. Cupid - Photo Snob

I've been so horribly busy during this heavy drag season that I haven't had a chance to sit down & blog for a bit!  I have, however, had time to suffer with messages from wannabe suitors on OK Cupid.  A few of muh DABs have had some nice dates with guys from OK Cupid, but I scarcely have.  I'm very dubious of on-line dating because I feel there are men out there who take advantage of on-line limitations.  Currently, I'm talking about the profile pictures.  Some guys use this to deceive or hide who they are.  Some guys do it to impress and some do it because they fear they are not attractive.  Whatever the reason is, it pisses me off that they want to invest time in exchanging emails forever, finally agree to meet and then get upset because they are busted.  I don't go for the, "I wanted you to get to know me before you judged me on my looks," excuse, because whatever they look like, I'll be judging them their lying and find it very hard to trust them again.  I'll have a 2nd or 3rd date with someone I don't think is terribly attractive, but is a great person, before I'll have even one with someone I don't think is terribly attractive and is a liar.  That is why I've become very adept at sorting these guys out, so I don't waste my time.  I'm going to share a few tips with you so that you don't waste your time, either, because if there's trouble in the pic, there's trouble at home!

Call me a photo snob, but I judge the profile from my first glance at the pic.  I think it's rather simple to have a good profile pic; it's well lit, clear and a plain representation of the subject.
Above is my current OK Cupid profile picture.

I confess it is a few years old, but it is a clear representation of me and if I showed up on a date with a little rounder face, I don't think anyone would be alarmed or feel cheated.

Here are a few things that really bother me about on-line dating pics:

(I've blocked eyes to prevent any embarassment on the subjests' part) 

THE HIDER

This is someone who doesn't need me to hide their identity because they do a super job of it on their own.  How am I supposed to know what he looks like if every one of his pics has him in sunglasses, a hat and a beard?  First off, I feel like he's hiding something; his age? his being on the FBI's most wanted list? his being possessed by a demon?  Either way, I know it's gonna take a long time to tear down that wall and if we ever dated and formed a relationship, this is the kind of guy where every week brings a new surprise; "You were married to a girl?", "You owe the IRS $120,000?", "You've never seen 9 TO 5??!!??"

THE DORIAN GREY REVERSER

This is the guy who ages, but his portrait never does!  He thinks you won't mind that he's 20 years older than you thought he going to be when he shows up for your Racketlon date.  You can usually tell a photo is way old when they are grainy, colors are faded, the outlines are fuzzy and Freddie Prinze is walking by in the background.  Look, sir, there are plenty of guys your age, who like to date people their own age, there are plenty of younger guys who love dating older men, but please don't try to make people think you're still 30 years old and get crushed when they leave you standing on the doorstep.  If these guys can't accept their age, what else are they in denial about?

THE QUICKER TOUCHER UPPER

This Glamour Shotz escapee puts out his own WANTED posters!  This guy is fast!  So fast that every photo of him is slightly blurry.  A a matter of fact, his skin seems really really really really smooth, his hair is darker than any other part of his body and his brows look very Siegel & Stockman mannequin-esque.  The scary thing is, they don't think you notice that their photo has been terribly re-touched to the point that it almost looks like a cartoon.  I suspect this guy tends to cover up a lot, but I prefer a guy who's willing to put it out there.

THE CUTE BY ASSOCIATION GUY

To me, this is one of the biggest cheats ever!  The guy with a prominently featured cute animal attached to him.  It's usually a dog, or most unforgivable, a puppy, that is used to get your "Awwww" factory going so that when you see him, you think you're "awwww"ing  because of him!  It's very subliminal and very crafty.  Sure, one of his supplemental pics could be one that shows he loves animals, but the profile pic should show he loves himself.  I'm immediately suspicious that if he uses his dog like this, how is he gonna use me?

THE GUESS WHO!

These profile pics annoy me the most!  I'm especially annoyed when they are followed by more multi-person photographs.  I'm sorry, but your 10 word self-description does not help me determine which one of these four guys is you. Sure, I could pore over your other pics with multiple guys in it and suss out the face that is common to them all, but who's got time?  Especially when I'm gonna end up thinking I'm gonna date your hot friend.  I think that's the bait in this one; it's "look at all my hot friends you'll get the hang around with if you date me."  Which is actually, "I'M NOT ENOUGH."  Again, it's good to know that someone has friends, but that should be one supplemental pic, not the whole lot and certainly not the profile pic.

THE DECAPITATED

Oy, this one!  

1.  If you're ashamed to be on this site..get off of it! 
2.  "My body is my only worth."
3.  "I don't really communicate well, but I know sex."
4.   "This isn't my body and you won't realize that when we meet, because you can't see my face."
5.   "My brain is exposed.  I have no skull cap"

I really don't know why someone finds shame in looking for someone on one of these sites.  Why else would they hide their face so obviously and violently?  If you have shame in finding love, then I hope you don't try to find it with me, because I have no time for shame or hiding like that.  I'll hide behind my sarcasm and passive aggressive behavior, thank you!  And you'll know exactly what I look like when I do!!

I'm not a trained psychologist, but I've watched all 11 seasons of CRIMINAL MINDS, so I think I've gotten pretty good at this.  So if you've recognized your profile pic in the ones above, I'm not saying you're a bad guy, or manipulative, but you might want to give more thought about why you've chosen the photo you picked to tell people who you are, and what you're telling them.

With mine, I think I'm telling people I'm a regular guy's guy, who's middle aged, probably ten pounds heavier than this shot, and thinks he knows it all.  What I hope they see in me is, hopefully, a person they'd want to know more about.

This Is Why I Am Single - Delayed Response

It had been sitting there since Sept 28, I saw it there and I just let it sit.
I have filled some space here, in my blog, about the trials of on-line dating in FU Cupid,
and I'll complain about other guys' bad manners...
This Is Why I Am Single, I let a message sit in my FU Cupid box for over a week.   I'm guilty of leaving this kid hanging waiting for a response to his greeting.  I hate when guys do that to me.
Here's why I did it.  I looked at his profile, it was sparse and he had one photo which looked like he was quite young and not my cup of green tea.  Regardless of my unattraction to him, I think it's generally good manners to at least respond with a "thanks, but no thanks."  I just didn't have it in me to write something that is disappointing and risks being arrogant.  I'm usually better about it, but I have let a few messages go unresponded.  The non-response seems to be an accepted part of the on-line dating thing, but I don't like it.   I think maybe my lack of viable suitors could be a little Karmic payback for leaving a few guys I'm not attracted to hanging.  Even if it isn't, I will try to treat others as I want to be treated.  As Glenn Close said I Fatal Attraction, "I'm not gonna be ignored, Dan."  I'd like to change that to, "I'm not gonna ignore, Dan" especially if you promise not to shoot me in the head in the tub.

FU Cupid - The Sites

I currently have a profile up on OkCupid. I think it might be a little too quirky, but it's honest.
I might worry that I'll scare guys off with my Kids In The Hall quote for the I SPEND A LOT OF TIME THINKING ABOUT... section.  I think it's hilarious, but I suppose most guys are convinced I'm psychotically obsessed with some ex-lover named, Tony.  One very young would-be suitor sent me a message asking who Tony was.  I replied "We're all Tony" and got no response.  Sure, I'm scaring off millions of would-be suitors who don't get it, but think of the connection I'll probably have with the few that do get it and respond! ...the very few.  ..the none, yet.
The fact that my entire profile is some kind of test is a This Is Why I Am Single entry for later.  I'm here to bitch about the dating sites themselves.  My first target is OkCupid- Ugh!  I'm not a fan of on-line dating because I'm not into catalog shopping.  You know,  you see the picture, you order it and when it arrives, it's nothing like the picture!  It's not the right size!  It's broken!  It took weeks to arrive!  COD!  I much prefer window shopping.  You see it from the street, you go in, you check it out and then decide if you want to take it home.  No muss, no fuss.
I was encouraged by OkCupid because of the compatibility questions.  What a great idea; a series of general questions where you compare your answers with the answers of possible boyfriends!  I went nutsy answering a crap-load of them, (775 of them to be precise)!  I figured the more information, the better!  Imagine finding the guy that answered all 775 questions the same way I did! What a match!  The site takes these answers and matches them up with everyone else, so when you look at their profile, it automatically tells you the percentages of your compatibility- "Daniel Craig is 99% your Match; 1% your enemy" (The 1% difference is we disagree on favorite Bonds- he likes Roger Moore!). Not only do you answer your questions, you rate how important the answer is to you; "A little, somewhat, Very" as well as answers you'll accept; "Yes, no, Any of the above" to further help the analytics match you up! Very scientific for a site named after a Roman myth! This is going to rock!
Then, I started reading and comparing answers. The guys I thought were hot and compatible, turned out, not so much. The way they answered their questions started upsetting me. My Judge Judy response was on high! "How can you love dogs but not accept that I love dogs AND cats? How could it be THAT important to you?", "You think the Adam and Eve story should be taught along side Evolution? But your eyes are so gorgeous!","You're Republican?? But you said 9 TO 5 was your favorite movie!", "You're unsure if you enjoy dark, violent, or disturbing music, but you won't accept if I do when I'm in the mood? But your pecs are so big!"
I soon felt that the questions I answered were just 775 opportunities to think these guys are assholes before I even meet them! God only knows what they thought of me! I looked closer at some of the answers, what they are willing to accept and concluded that if one does not take time to read the instructions, it's easy to mess up the whole thing.  If it doesn't make sense that someone is ambivalent about a subject, but is so strongly opposed to your answer, they probably didn't click the right box.  It's all too detailed and delicate.  So now, I can't pay too much attention to the % of compatibility because I know they are wonky and the only information I can truly use to determine whether someone is my potential boyfriend is by the information they provide in their profile. Just like every other site.  So, FU, Cupid!  You're not so special!
And don't get me started on the questions that ask if you would ever be friends with a homosexual, or if you would ever date someone with a gay brother!  Would it kill a Roman God to, at least, figure the compatibility of their questions to their clients?  Fuckin' Cupid.

P.S. The above photo is my catalog shot- it is untouched.  I look like that, but I don't LOOK like that, you know?