This Is Why I Am Single - My Alleged Father Part 4

I'll tell you, Facebook must be one of the worst inventions to ever be inflicted on the human race.  One of the worst things about it is that once parents catch on to the thing, they wanna "friend" their children.  The children, of course, are mortified because this is the moment they have to either take the risk of offending their parents with a "No, thank you" or actually changing and living their life in a way that their parents would approve.  I fall somewhere in the middle of that.  When I got a request from my mother, whom I love very much, I flinched.  Then, I thought about my Facebook life; I try to be a good person, have a positive attitude and and only occasionally burst into fits of rage that result in a post.  Then, there's the whole gay aspect; not that I'm ashamed of being gay or living a "gay lifestyle" or having drag be a huge part of my actor life, it's those Gay friends who sometimes post naughty things on pages... But heck, I think my ma knows she's taking that risk. I happily hit "Accept" on that friend request.  Then on the other side, I got a request from my alleged father.  We don't communicate much, but I was game.  I popped on over to his page to see what I would be getting into.  I found that he likes to post A LOT!  Sometimes he posts in all caps and sometimes more that 10 things in an hour.  The stuff he posts is usually religious or very political.  I thought, "No, thanks!  I don't need to see that popping up on my news feed 10 times each hour!"  So, I let that request sit there, I didn't deny it, I just let it sit.  I figured that all my settings are set to "public" so anyone can see what I post, therefore he access to my stuff, and I have access to his without the formal "accept" that would put all that stuff on my news feed. It works!  ...And, to be honest, a little part of me got some satisfaction from withholding from him as "revenge" for his absence in the past.

A thing about the Facebook in the last year or so; our political climate has become so polarizing and, in my opinion, dangerous that with so many exaggerated  forces pulling people to either side, it's easy to fall prey to crap that re-enforces one's view and pass it on.  I get it.  Sometimes, it feels irresponsible to NOT post something political.  Personally, my anti-Cheetohead posts consist of his picture stamped "Not My President" and "Fake President" to clearly state my stance and all other stuff I post or re-post I take from reliable news sources or clearly opinion-based pieces.  (Unless it's something REALLY funny or clever... then I might give in to temptation)  Otherwise, my posts are the usual show notifications, puppies, Dunnys and shirtless hot mens.  I have family members who occasionally post something that is in direct opposition to my views, but I've never felt personally attacked.  That was until yesterday, when I saw this posted on my alleged father's wall...

Not only is the meme, itself, anti-gay, he took the time to add "it's unnatural and evil".
If you click on the pic, you can see at the bottom where I immediately commented, "Your faggot son is unnatural and evil..."   SERIOUSLY?  I don't think I've ever heard a parent refer to their own child as evil, but here it is, proudly posted on his wall for all to see.  After I commented, I blocked him and deleted the friend request.  I mean, really!   What really bugs the fuck out of me is that this man, who seemed to have no problem that I, as a preschooler, knew of his mistress, Minerva, and knew that she was his side cooze;  Who had no qualms introducing me, a grade-schooler, to his illegitimate daughter, Myra, whom he fathered while still married to my mother;  Who had no problem living with Minerva or moving to California while still married to my mother and leaving her to raise four of his who-knows-how-many of his children by herself;  Who seemed quite comfortable barging in and crashing with us in between his bouts of employment (proudly displaying his Benny and the Amazing Technicolor Dream Boot collection along the wall, but not putting in for groceries);  Who had no issues, paying the Church to annul his marriage to my mother so that he may marry another woman in the Church. (So am I a bastard in the eyes of the Church since my parent's marriage never existed?); Who ( I honestly don't know how he took that other wreck of a marraige) racked up a second divorce:  After all that; infidelity, children out of wedlock, and two divorces, he is going to preach about the sanctity of marriage AND tell me I'm evil and unnatural?  Fuck that!

You know, it took me a long time to sort all of that stuff out in my head and heart to not hate the man.  I worked hard to try to see things from his side and thought, "He's just a guy whose dreams were too big for his circumstances..."  People make mistakes...  I let it go.  Until now.

I may be playing up the drama, I am a thespian (also unnatural & evil), after all...
It's not such a bold move that I've made here.  If I had forgiven and forgotten all that, I also never felt like I needed his approval or attention, frankly.  I'm just saying, that if you request your son's friendship on the Facebook, you may not wanna call him Unnatural and Evil.

This Is Why I Am Single; My alleged Father believes that I should not have the right to be married.

Gay of A Certain Age - Orlando, No Dawn

I'm generally an easy going guy who rolls with the punches and moves on, but this Sunday's Orlando shooting has really gotten under my skin.  I can't shake it.  It's hit me harder than anything else.  Sure there's the obvious LGBTQ connection, but it goes beyond a simple belonging to a group, it feels very personal.  I didn't know anyone involved in the shooting personally. I wasn't anywhere near the incident, but I feel like have been personally attacked.  As a Gay of A Certain Age, I've grown up hiding my feelings and desires, so deeply I didn't fully realize them until I was in my late 20's.  Even though I didn't know I was gay, I was picked on all through school, because THEY knew I was gay.  After I accepted my gayness, I had a fairly easy time because I had unwittingly surrounded myself gay and gay friendly people.  Still, I was aware of all the gay bashing and hatred around me, even though I hadn't been attacked personally.  I embraced my gayness and grew bold with a healthy sense of self worth, despite the spite spewed at me from the political and religious right. I mourned the countless brothers and sisters lost to AIDS, even though I didn't know any of them personally.  I grew strong and confident through all the crap.  I found myself living and working in one of the gay friendliest cities in the world.  ...and then THIS.  This Orlando massacre knocks me back down to a level even further down than when I started.  I am flattened; buried; less than.

When there have been mass shootings before, (sadly, so many before) I have felt sad and mourned for the victims.  I've angrily agreed that there has be some level of gun control.  That mourning usually happened along with the rest of the country, if not the rest of the world.  This time around, along with the initial attack on Sunday morning, there are the "after" attacks, that wound even more deeply, like the second explosion that takes out the entire team of first responders after a bomb.  Not only do we have to endure the sadness and frustration of the gunman's bullets, we have to go through the political and religious wringer again.  When Sandy Hook went down, we didn't have people flooding the internet with "Good job! Those children deserved it!"  After San Bernadino, I didn't see any "Praise God, those employees had it coming!"  But all week I've seen the Baptist preachers praising the gunman, I've seen the tweets on twitter laughing, cheering.  I've seen the people sworn to protect our country threaten us and the jerks on social media, whose only take away on this was a means of bashing the president.  I usually see a good amount of this crap everyday and my shield deflects it, I go about my life.  Orlando has smashed that shield into tiny tear drop shaped shards.  This past week, all of these attacked have gotten to me.  I am constantly on the verge of tears, trembling, getting sick in the pit of my stomach at the thought or site of the victims' families (as I pause to gather myself to prevent tears while writing this), all the while smiling and pretending I'm okay. If you look closely you can see it.  If you say the right thing, you won't have to look at all, I'll crumble.  If you are not a gay person, I don't know if you can truly understand what it is like being attacked from different directions for being who you are.  To some degree, if you are Black or Latino or Muslim (any other ethnicity or folk who wear Religious garb) you know what it's like to pegged on sight based on your appearance and how you have to be aware of your behavior in certain places. Add to that the fear of expressing any form of love, like kissing or holding hands; it's quite a burden to carry with you every day of your life.  Sometimes, for the Gay, you even have to be on guard at home because you know how your family hates gays.  Even in one of the gay friendliest cities in the world, we're attacked in the street (There has been a rash of attacks in West Hollywood the last few months).  It's hard.  It's depressing. Right now, it's unshakable.

I do appreciate the positive responses from others; Celebrities, politicians, just plain folks.  I notice the actions from organizations I hold in low regard; Walmart announcing they will discontinue selling assault rifles, Chick-Fil-A providing food and help to those affected by the tragedy as the aftermath of events unfolded.  There is a great deal of positive and supportive response, which I am grateful for. Unfortunately the hate and evil seem so much louder.  I feel like I am in the dark; like the sun never rose on June 12.

On A Tragedy - Orlando

This is James Cerne.
I met him when I performed as Reba Areba at the Oscar party at Precinct DTLA, a gay club.
Today, his words about the shooting at Pulse, a gay club in Orlando, rang so true to me.
They enforce my belief that those who use their religion to suppress the LGBTQ community, politicians and money grubbing preachers alike, who have chosen us as their common enemy to unite against, are killing us spiritually and physically with their hate-mongering and rhetoric.  When the weapon they use against me is religion, I can choose not to believe in their religion and take that weapon away.  Unfortunately, even if I take away that weapon against me, their weapon becomes the confused and self-hating people they have created, along with the guns they sell them.  This Orlando shooter is said to have gone on this rampage because he was infuriated by seeing two men kissing.  What could two men kissing have to do with this guy?  Why was it such a threat to him?  Was it because whenever he has seen two men kissing something horribly bad happens to him?  He feels physical pain?  Or is it because he has been told, just as I was today on Santa Monica Boulevard by Jesus Christ's followers, that we are"Disgusting", an "Abomination" who "Do not deserve to live" who "Should die" because we are "sinning in the eyes of the" person they chose to worship?
I know I am not a disgusting abomination who doesn't deserve to live. Sadly, there are weaker souls out there who have been beaten down by these religious fuckwads who actually believe that their life is worthless and so is ours.  It is so hard for me not to write horrible, hateful things about ANYONE who follows ANY religion, especially one that sits back and lets these assholes use it to stir up murderous hate.  If you truly love your god & religion, stop worrying about who's taking a shit next to you and take it back from these truly horrible demons who have perverted it into a money making, gun profiteering, murder inciting cult.

Here is what I took from James' Facebook wall...

"I'm so mad at everything.

I'm so mad that my mom is calling me and begging me not to go to work or the parade today.

I'm so mad that I can't give blood.

I'm so mad at Jarrod chin hissing "faggot" over and over again behind me in Spanish class and miss Mahoney for smirking when I answered a question with a feminine lilt in my voice.

I'm so mad at it gets better

I'm so mad that I still meet beautiful talented intelligent and incredibly kind men whose parents denounced them as sick and disgusting and never took the words back.

I'm so fucking mad my shoulders still tense up when he touches me in public.

and the mothers who wouldn't let their sons play with me or sleep over in elementary school.

And the proprietors who ask me to play something more masculine

and the places we can't go after the club if one of us is in drag

and whether my trans friends or my non white friends will feel welcome

and why does everyone in this room have the exact same body

And would things have worked out differently if I had a bigger dick

and every single one of my gay friends struggles with self esteem and depression. and you can do all the work on yourself and feel all the pride in the world and live without judgement


but you still have to confront the reality that the world does not share your values and gives you a constant stream of reminders of the reasons why you will be hated the reasons why you will be excluded the reasons why you will be judged the reasons why some people would kill you and the reason why some people would not be sorry to see you go.


You can be as enlightened as fuck but you still have to carry all of that with you. All the time. All the hate and all the reasons why you don't measure up.


50 dead.


I want to fucking explode."