This Is Why I Am Single - The Unflattering Shot To The Heart

First, sorry for my long absence, I've been really busy doing stuff, which I hope I don't neglect to tell you about... I still haven't even shown you stuff from July!  Anyway, I thought I'd share this really quickly, while it is in the moment...

During one of my Too Busy For Love nights out, I saw one of my favorite women, Deven Green, seated across the room.  I thought I would literally slip in really quickly to say Hi and remind her how much I love her.  I crossed and wedged myself between her and the armrest of the love seat she was sitting in, chatting to a pal.  As we were exchanging pleasantries, the event photographer came up to take a couple of pics.  I thought, 'Goodness, what an awkward position I am in, but I do love a pic with Deven.' And just like that, Click Flash, Snap Flash, a few pics were taken and we moved on.  I thought, 'Those probably aren't very flattering, but I'm sure event photographer won't post those if they're unflattering.'  Today...

BAM! Right on my Facebook page, where everyone can see..!  Me, with multiple double chins and a gut that makes Santa Clause look like Jack Skellington!  ...But, I wasn't even entirely on the sofa!  I had an armrest pushing my back forward..!  There's no place for me to put my left arm!  I didn't even get to suck it in!  I couldn't!

It's so unflattering!!!

But, I left the pics up.  I didn't ask the photographer to take them down... I didn't even untag myself.  I have decided that unflattering pictures are a part of life.  And if I don't want unflattering pictures of me, I should work at not being unflatterable (Fuck you, I know it's not a word! It's my blog!).  These pics don't make me look overweight, I AM overweight.  I have to work at accepting myself for how I am, or if I can't do that, work at changing how I am.  

Also, in the photographer's defense, the event is for a video release for the song ROUND IN ALL THE RIGHT PLACES by Tom Goss.  It's about loving round men and shows how attractive he finds them.  It's why I wore the T-shirt I chose wear!  It has a man and a bear hugging- drawn by artist Raogui...

So the pictures are up, I'm tagged in them and everyone can see them.  If I don't love myself at my current weight, why should I stop someone else from doing it?

This Is Why I Am Single; sometimes, I let unflattering pictures of me stay posted on Facebook.

(Also, sometimes I go on angry, parenthetical, rants!)

Please enjoy the music video HERE.

Now, please, enjoy MY pics of the event, which we carefully chosen and edited by ME.

(Some are blurry or too blown out to stay in color... I think I hate my iPhone camera)

(The Lovely and talented Tom Goss)

(Dennis Hensley)

(Ross Carrillo & Robert Sanchez - the Prof in the video)

(Jim Key)

(Tom Goss)

(Photgrapher, Dusti Cunningham)

(Jeb Havens, Me, Matt Zarley, Dennis Hensley)

This Is Why I Am Single - My Alleged Father Part 4

I'll tell you, Facebook must be one of the worst inventions to ever be inflicted on the human race.  One of the worst things about it is that once parents catch on to the thing, they wanna "friend" their children.  The children, of course, are mortified because this is the moment they have to either take the risk of offending their parents with a "No, thank you" or actually changing and living their life in a way that their parents would approve.  I fall somewhere in the middle of that.  When I got a request from my mother, whom I love very much, I flinched.  Then, I thought about my Facebook life; I try to be a good person, have a positive attitude and and only occasionally burst into fits of rage that result in a post.  Then, there's the whole gay aspect; not that I'm ashamed of being gay or living a "gay lifestyle" or having drag be a huge part of my actor life, it's those Gay friends who sometimes post naughty things on pages... But heck, I think my ma knows she's taking that risk. I happily hit "Accept" on that friend request.  Then on the other side, I got a request from my alleged father.  We don't communicate much, but I was game.  I popped on over to his page to see what I would be getting into.  I found that he likes to post A LOT!  Sometimes he posts in all caps and sometimes more that 10 things in an hour.  The stuff he posts is usually religious or very political.  I thought, "No, thanks!  I don't need to see that popping up on my news feed 10 times each hour!"  So, I let that request sit there, I didn't deny it, I just let it sit.  I figured that all my settings are set to "public" so anyone can see what I post, therefore he access to my stuff, and I have access to his without the formal "accept" that would put all that stuff on my news feed. It works!  ...And, to be honest, a little part of me got some satisfaction from withholding from him as "revenge" for his absence in the past.

A thing about the Facebook in the last year or so; our political climate has become so polarizing and, in my opinion, dangerous that with so many exaggerated  forces pulling people to either side, it's easy to fall prey to crap that re-enforces one's view and pass it on.  I get it.  Sometimes, it feels irresponsible to NOT post something political.  Personally, my anti-Cheetohead posts consist of his picture stamped "Not My President" and "Fake President" to clearly state my stance and all other stuff I post or re-post I take from reliable news sources or clearly opinion-based pieces.  (Unless it's something REALLY funny or clever... then I might give in to temptation)  Otherwise, my posts are the usual show notifications, puppies, Dunnys and shirtless hot mens.  I have family members who occasionally post something that is in direct opposition to my views, but I've never felt personally attacked.  That was until yesterday, when I saw this posted on my alleged father's wall...

Not only is the meme, itself, anti-gay, he took the time to add "it's unnatural and evil".
If you click on the pic, you can see at the bottom where I immediately commented, "Your faggot son is unnatural and evil..."   SERIOUSLY?  I don't think I've ever heard a parent refer to their own child as evil, but here it is, proudly posted on his wall for all to see.  After I commented, I blocked him and deleted the friend request.  I mean, really!   What really bugs the fuck out of me is that this man, who seemed to have no problem that I, as a preschooler, knew of his mistress, Minerva, and knew that she was his side cooze;  Who had no qualms introducing me, a grade-schooler, to his illegitimate daughter, Myra, whom he fathered while still married to my mother;  Who had no problem living with Minerva or moving to California while still married to my mother and leaving her to raise four of his who-knows-how-many of his children by herself;  Who seemed quite comfortable barging in and crashing with us in between his bouts of employment (proudly displaying his Benny and the Amazing Technicolor Dream Boot collection along the wall, but not putting in for groceries);  Who had no issues, paying the Church to annul his marriage to my mother so that he may marry another woman in the Church. (So am I a bastard in the eyes of the Church since my parent's marriage never existed?); Who ( I honestly don't know how he took that other wreck of a marraige) racked up a second divorce:  After all that; infidelity, children out of wedlock, and two divorces, he is going to preach about the sanctity of marriage AND tell me I'm evil and unnatural?  Fuck that!

You know, it took me a long time to sort all of that stuff out in my head and heart to not hate the man.  I worked hard to try to see things from his side and thought, "He's just a guy whose dreams were too big for his circumstances..."  People make mistakes...  I let it go.  Until now.

I may be playing up the drama, I am a thespian (also unnatural & evil), after all...
It's not such a bold move that I've made here.  If I had forgiven and forgotten all that, I also never felt like I needed his approval or attention, frankly.  I'm just saying, that if you request your son's friendship on the Facebook, you may not wanna call him Unnatural and Evil.

This Is Why I Am Single; My alleged Father believes that I should not have the right to be married.

This Is Why I Am Single - I'm Afraid of CATS and Catfish

So, I was scrolling up and down on the Facebooks, as I will, when I heard a little >ping<.  I had a friend request.  The guy was a cutie, and I didn't know him.  I generally don't accept friend requests from people I don't know (nowadays), but I'll make an exception if we have a lot of mutual friends or in this case, if they're really cute.  Immediately a saw a notice that I had been Poked.  It was this guy.  He's cute, so I poked back.  Then, he poked back. So, I poked back. Then, he poked back. So, I poked back. "Keep it up, Fella, I GOT ALL DAY!" Before I knew it, I had a message.  It was from the cutie I had friended not a few moments ago.  It was a very complimentary, right off the bat.  I was flattered and IMMEDIATELY SUSPICIOUS.  What kind of person just gives a compliment like that?  Great, I just accepted a friendship of someone who has targeted me as his (or her) next Catfish victim!  I mean, come on, I'm supposed to believe that some young guy, who basically looks like the guy pictured above, finds me attractive?  Not one to be of great judgment, I decided to play along and see where this went and how outrageous it would get.  To be sure, I didn't pour it on heavy, I just volleyed, in a very measured fashion.  It became very clear that this Catfisher wasn't going to play a slow game.  I took a day off to consider my strategy.   I SHAN'T BE PLAYED FOR A FOOL, DAN! IF THAT'S YOUR REAL NAME! (Not his real name).

"What if this is real?" That's a silly thought. Really?  This guy finds me attractive and would like to get together. NOT LIKELY!  I did my detectiving (What some others may call "stalking") and saw that his profile contained more than one photo of him and his Instagram was populated by more than one photo of him in different settings... He is cute... ...and I have had someone find me attractive before...  I decided to call his bluff!
 "You win.  Let's get together." I finally replied.  After some suspicious back & forth (I knew it...) we finally set a date and time. (Is that because we hit a stalemate if he didn't agree to meet?)  All day I was expecting the message that says, "Something suddenly came up." (Totally Marcia Brady voice)
And wouldn't you know it the last message I got from him was, word for word "found a space, I don't need a permit."  I KNEW IT!!  I WASN'T FOOLED FOR A SECOND!!  WHAT AN... oh wait.  He actually showed up?  DON'T GET TOO EXCITED.  When I open the door, he looks exactly like his pictures.  OMG! He looks exactly like his pictures!  I played it cool, like I always have gentleman suitors breaking down my door to court me. "Why, look, the last one left his spats by the door.  He must have over looked them for staring into my eyes so lovingly on his way out."  I think he bought it.

This Is Why I Am Single; I can't trust that someone I find very attractive finds thinks the same of me.  How many times has someone I'm totally gaga for given me the "green light" and I was too insecure to act on it?  How did I get it in my head that attractive guys are not into me?  The ultra-crazy thing is this guy seemingly came out of nowhere.  He was very direct without appearing pushy- I say I like that, but when it happens, I don't believe it.    Truthfully, when I get hits on the FU Cupid, it's usually from guys, though nice, I'm not attracted to or find shifty (like no profile pic).  It's rare that I get anything from a real hottie (if ever).  This threw me extra good because it didn't happen on any dating site.  Luckily, I trust my instincts, even if they did have to trick me into letting this happen.

He was quite personable, we had a very nice time and I hope to see him again.

This Is Why I Am Single - Sketchy Memories

So, I was on Facebook, as I'll be and I glanced at that "People You May Know" strip that usually holds a list of hot shirtless bears, gay porn stars and Shelly Long.  Well, there I saw a guy I went on a couple of dates with eight years ago, whom I'll call Adolpho.  My first thought was, "Oh hey, that guy." then, "I forgot about him." finally, "I thought we were friends on here..."  Had I been unfriended by a guy I didn't fall in love with?  We parted on friendly terms and we exchanged fun stuff for a while after.  I remembered exactly what it was about him that made me come to the conclusion that he was not the one.  Then I clicked on his profile and it would seem that the last eight years have been very good to him.  He's a little ruggedly good looking, now.  He's filled out nicely and he seems to be further along in his career, quite successful and everything is hunk dory!  Then I started wondering if maybe I shouldn't have been so hasty in my dismissal of him and his romantic intentions.  Then, I started to worry, that I am still the exact same person I was eight years ago and now, he's grown up and it is I who is unworthy of him, as if I'd been the one whose love was unrequited.  He unfriended me.  Before I knew it, I was fantasizing, hatching little plans to get him back, or at least get re-friended!
Finally I realized how silly I was being.  Adolpho was not the one that got away, because I remembered, again, all the things about him that gave me pause, most of all, there was no chemistry.
What is it about seeing someone that I shared a little time with, who seems to be doing quite well, that makes me suddenly start doubting myself or a decision that I made, or that I'm missing out on some better life?  It's crazy.   I'd be lying if I said this was the first time this has happened, there were a few, "Maybe I was wrong" moments.  Sadly, some of the other ones have resulted in reunion dates that were almost immediately ruined with the stench of "That's right, that's why I didn't want this the first time around!"  I need to remember to trust myself and trust that I know what I don't want, or what I'm not willing to compromise in order to be in a relationship.  Luckily, I remembered before I ended up on an awkward date with Aldolpho, because, as sweet and nice as he was, he wasn't the one (or one of the ones).  However, this is the first time I've dealt with the unfriending.  I might need therapy on this one...

(Awesome sketch of me by Miguel Angel Reyes)