FU Cupid - ManShunt

I'm not one to invest much time in the on-line dating sites,
and I'm even less likely to spend any time on the sex getting sites.
Don't get me wrong, I'm all for getting sex
and if I could just pick up the phone and order in exactly what I want (legally...and for free)
I certainly would.
Simply put, I find that these just for sex sites are insufferable, if not just downright damaging.
Now, it may come as a surprise to you, but I am not an Italian swimsuit model
who hasn't eaten in two weeks with 12 pack abs,  and it seems that that's what you need to be
in order for these sites to work optimally for you.  I'm not gonna get into "wah, wah, wah, poor schlubby me," because there's something I can do about my appearance,
I'm not even going the fantasy route and "Wah, wah, wah why don't guys super hotter
want to have sex with me?"  I'm just thinking, why can't I put my stuff up and shop around
without feeling like I'm walking an ISIS gauntlet.  Today, I'm specifically talking about MANHUNT.

I knew what that site was before I entered my email and started creating my profile.
The main reason I was signing up is I had a friend who seemed to be having great success,
he was encouraging me and there was a free three month trail period.

Despite said friend's advice, I put up my face pic as my profile photo.
SIDE BAR:  Said friend used his very nice & hot body pic for his profile,
got into messaging foreplay with another nice & hot body headless profile and when it
finally came to "your place or mine, let's trade face pics" it turned out to be
someone he knew and really disliked.  I like to avoid that.

My profile was honest and "what you see is what you get", with hopes of finding other realistic
average to schlubby guys.  If God created me for any reason, that reason is for me to tell you
THERE AIN'T ANY.
In any case, seeing as how I had only 3 months to determine whether this is a service I'd continue to utilize and pay for, I set off on my International Male catalog shopping adventure.
As some of you guessed, I spent hours scouring profiles, sending initial messages,
avoiding messages I didn't want and other frustrating activities for that one "Maybe" that
always disappeared by the end of the night.  So I stopped after a week.

Then, I was in Las Vegas for a weekend, still within that 3 month trial, so why not?
If I thought that it was disappointing to swim through the "no fats, no fems" at the end of
the LA profiles, I was in no way prepared for the wade through
the landmines of HOSTILE Las Vegas!
Most of the profiles consisted entirely of what they didn't want.  At least 90% started with,"no one over 30 years old!"  95% started with the phrase "If you are..."
I didn't even get passed the first page and already I was ready to jump out the 12th floor window.
Maybe the strategy there is that if everyone knocks you down to an insecure puddle of
goo on a multicolored, polka dot-diamond-paisley patterned carpet, then you'll just be grateful
for whatever you get if you're brave enough to approach someone.
I bravely stuck it out and I did get a response.  I had a guest in my room that night, who didn't
look quite like his profile pic, who was well over 30 and just odd enough to make this
former Story Whore, share something at brunch not long after.

During the three month free period, I had 4 hook ups, only one of which looked like his picture,
was a genuinely nice person and a fun romp.  As much as I enjoyed him,
I don't think it was worth the hours of torturous assaults from anonymous men letting me
know how much they didn't want me, without even having spoken a word to me.
I don't think that the three month was free, there certainly was a price that my self-esteem paid.
Lucky for me, my self-esteem has a strong survival instinct and it pulled me away from
my computer and into the streets, where the super hot guys are less likely to be so hostile to my face.

DISCLAIMER:  I've met and know some very nice super hot guys.  They are real.
...and they have faces!

FU Cupid - The Sites

I currently have a profile up on OkCupid. I think it might be a little too quirky, but it's honest.
I might worry that I'll scare guys off with my Kids In The Hall quote for the I SPEND A LOT OF TIME THINKING ABOUT... section.  I think it's hilarious, but I suppose most guys are convinced I'm psychotically obsessed with some ex-lover named, Tony.  One very young would-be suitor sent me a message asking who Tony was.  I replied "We're all Tony" and got no response.  Sure, I'm scaring off millions of would-be suitors who don't get it, but think of the connection I'll probably have with the few that do get it and respond! ...the very few.  ..the none, yet.
The fact that my entire profile is some kind of test is a This Is Why I Am Single entry for later.  I'm here to bitch about the dating sites themselves.  My first target is OkCupid- Ugh!  I'm not a fan of on-line dating because I'm not into catalog shopping.  You know,  you see the picture, you order it and when it arrives, it's nothing like the picture!  It's not the right size!  It's broken!  It took weeks to arrive!  COD!  I much prefer window shopping.  You see it from the street, you go in, you check it out and then decide if you want to take it home.  No muss, no fuss.
I was encouraged by OkCupid because of the compatibility questions.  What a great idea; a series of general questions where you compare your answers with the answers of possible boyfriends!  I went nutsy answering a crap-load of them, (775 of them to be precise)!  I figured the more information, the better!  Imagine finding the guy that answered all 775 questions the same way I did! What a match!  The site takes these answers and matches them up with everyone else, so when you look at their profile, it automatically tells you the percentages of your compatibility- "Daniel Craig is 99% your Match; 1% your enemy" (The 1% difference is we disagree on favorite Bonds- he likes Roger Moore!). Not only do you answer your questions, you rate how important the answer is to you; "A little, somewhat, Very" as well as answers you'll accept; "Yes, no, Any of the above" to further help the analytics match you up! Very scientific for a site named after a Roman myth! This is going to rock!
Then, I started reading and comparing answers. The guys I thought were hot and compatible, turned out, not so much. The way they answered their questions started upsetting me. My Judge Judy response was on high! "How can you love dogs but not accept that I love dogs AND cats? How could it be THAT important to you?", "You think the Adam and Eve story should be taught along side Evolution? But your eyes are so gorgeous!","You're Republican?? But you said 9 TO 5 was your favorite movie!", "You're unsure if you enjoy dark, violent, or disturbing music, but you won't accept if I do when I'm in the mood? But your pecs are so big!"
I soon felt that the questions I answered were just 775 opportunities to think these guys are assholes before I even meet them! God only knows what they thought of me! I looked closer at some of the answers, what they are willing to accept and concluded that if one does not take time to read the instructions, it's easy to mess up the whole thing.  If it doesn't make sense that someone is ambivalent about a subject, but is so strongly opposed to your answer, they probably didn't click the right box.  It's all too detailed and delicate.  So now, I can't pay too much attention to the % of compatibility because I know they are wonky and the only information I can truly use to determine whether someone is my potential boyfriend is by the information they provide in their profile. Just like every other site.  So, FU, Cupid!  You're not so special!
And don't get me started on the questions that ask if you would ever be friends with a homosexual, or if you would ever date someone with a gay brother!  Would it kill a Roman God to, at least, figure the compatibility of their questions to their clients?  Fuckin' Cupid.

P.S. The above photo is my catalog shot- it is untouched.  I look like that, but I don't LOOK like that, you know?