Gay of A Certain Age - The Big Five-Oh! Part 3

WARNING: SEX!

Hello Christchurch!  This was the second stop on my 50th Birthday tour.  I will say that the moment I arrived, I was struck by the fresh and young feel of the city.  The airport is beautiful

I loved the art

I liked my hotel, the BreakFree on Cashel

My room was totes adorbs, you guys

No nonsense and no useless extra space!

Even the terlet and shower shared real estate!

It was well into the evening when I arrived and there was not much to do, but wander around, taking photos of the nightlife and finding a nice little cozy place for dinner. I did not do that!  Instead, I skipped dinner and took advantage of the wifi availability searching out the local gay bars.  There were none.  Well, one, but it was regularly closed on this particular weeknight.  Only thing that was available to ease my gay aloneness was the Menfriends Spa.   For those of you new to this, it's basically a place where you, a gay man, walk around in a towel and if another fella in a towel finds you attractive and you find him attractive, you shake hands and excuse yourselves to an available sitting, standing, lying down space and go at it. "It " is up to you and your new friend.  Excited by the idea of having first choice from a plethora of hot mens who all find me attractive, I got directions and walked out of the hotel and made my way to the spa.  This was a scary walk.  The streets were completely empty and dark and I couldn't help but imagine that horrible moment that is in so many gay movies where the main character is attacked by a bunch of homophobic thugs, in a  70's era Mustang, 70's era Charger or 70's era Duster who just happen to be speeding by and notice the guy walking "gay like".  I decided to push that image out of my head and just walk purposefully as if I knew exactly where I was going.  I was not going to be gay bashed in Christchurch!! Or even just plain mugged.  I finally made it to my destination.  A dark building on a dark street...

I wondered if the place was even open, but found the door unlocked and went in, totally pleased with the fact that I made it there without incident and with at least 3,000 steps on my fitbit!  As I was paying my entrance fee, I asked the guy behind the counter, "What are the chances of me making a Man Friend?" with a wink.  He replied, "I guess that's up to you."  I suppose I should have just asked "How many guys are in there?", but I just gotta be clever, don't I?

I walked in and it seemed like a nice, warm, clean, empty place... I doffed my clothes, tossed them in a locker and donned a towel.   As I turned to walk to the hot tub (I was at least gonna get a nice warm soak if nothing else, right?) there was finally a sign of life; an older fella who gave me a lusty smirk, I wasn't into him, but I was nice, just in case he was the the only one there and I had no choices, right?  Luckily, there was a young head in the hot tub. I took a quick shower, conveniently located 10 feet from the hot tub, and dropped into the steamy bubbles.  BINGO!  This guy was a real cutie, with a beard & tats and he was maybe a couple of years younger than me.  Now, if only I could tell if he thought I was attractive...  Not a few seconds later, he got out of the tub and went into the conveniently located steam room.  I'm no fool, I followed him.  Of course I was taking the risk of being embarrassed by following a guy who might be trying to get away from me, but I'm almost 50, for piss sakes, if I can't risk a little red face for sex, I should just leave.  It may have been a good plan, but the steam was so heavy in there, I couldn't see if he was checking me out or giving me a green light, or what!  The good thing was, he didn't leave.  I did.  I went back into the hot tub and he followed.  We smiled at each other and made intros.  Then, we shook hands...

We rolled around neked a lot, we did a lot of chatting, we explored the rooms.  We made a temporary home in the pitch dark "Orgy Room", which was just a room, since we were the only two in there.  It seemed we had the entire place to ourselves... and that older fella...  My Beardy Tatty friend was laying on top of me, we were alternating making out with chatting, when I realized that he was moving in an odd way... Turns out we had a visitor who, unbeknownst to me, had engaged my friend without saying a word.  I stayed put, because it seemed like something that wasn't going to take too long.  I was correct.  After our mystery guest left, we excused ourselves from the room and made our way to the showers, showered and moseyed on out to the heated "Garden Room" where my friend revealed he smoked!  Okay, I could tell he smoked, which is usually a deal breaker, but he was my only option and cute, so I stuck around.  We sat naked and chatted.  I told him I liked the "new" feel of Christchurch and he reminded me that the place was devastated by two major earthquakes in 2010 & 2011, killing hundreds and leveling a large part of the city.  He described how the earth shook up and down, rather than side to side or rolling, and how his he and his boyfriend were watching TV in bed, the quake hit, shaking up & down and his boyfriend bouncing out the 3rd floor window.  Well, there's a boner killer.  Actually,  we still fooled around a little after that.  All in all, we had a nice three hour visit.  Within that time, a few more fellas came and left, but we were having a good time with each other.

I was having such a good time, I knew I was in trouble when I thought I wanted to ask him to take a selfie with me as we exit.   The place was closing up, so I got dressed before he did, but found myself making little excuses to stay a little longer.  I even got my phone out and took a picture of the decor

I got a big kick out of this spoofy Han Solo in carbonite!  That's funny.  I didn't get the courage to ask him for a selfie.  I just lingered, while he dressed... "Oh, a glass dildo, interesting...", "What? They make these in plaid..?", "Goodness, that is large, where would that go... oh."  Since he was not emerging from the locker room, I accepted that he didn't want to go to Denny's after (Or the Christchurch equivalent) or even give me a ride back to my hotel through the dark and empty streets.  I walked, alone in the dark, singing to myself, looking purposeful and excited by the number of steps I must have been getting.  I had no reason to be worried, it all seemed perfectly safe (Although, I did tense up, when a car sped by, then slowed, then kept going).  I enjoyed the crisp night air and looked forward to the next day, my birthday!  Then I snapped this pic

Happy that I was enjoying my time away, celebrating my birthday and the fact that I had just had SEX! 

This Is Why I Am Single - Signs, Everywhere Are Signs

So, there I am in a fancy cabana in Puerto Vallarta, when all of a sudden some hottie REAL girls stroll in and start handing folks stuff.

I have no idea what it is, but if it's free, I wants!!

Upon closer observation, I determine that they are handing out condoms!  I just had an entry about condoms and thought "Synchronicity! This is the universe telling me I'm in synch and where I should be."  Now, I certainly didn't have any immediate prospects for the sex, but I wasn't opposed to it.  I was open and what a nice little coaxing from the universe telling me to enjoy myself.  The boobsy girls came to where I was... and passed me by.

They handed a condom to our hostess for the afternoon, Amy.  They made their way down all the way to the end of the cabanas, handing out condoms.  Then, they finally headed toward me and kept walking!  They had run out!  What kind of message was that??  What are you saying, Universe??

This Is Why I Am Single; even when I let myself be convinced that things are going my way, some little thing will happen that lets me know, it ain't quite so.  What? I'm not supposed to have sex in Mexico?  Well, I didn't!  Are you happy, Universe?  ARE YOU HAPPY NOW??

I did have some fabulous duck tacos, though...

Gay of A Certain Age - I'm A Little Blue

Okay, so I had my night of fun, and while I would probably enjoy washing dishes with my Nekked Play Pal and I enjoyed our time together, I'm still a little blue.  You see, I took the little pill to entice Abe Froman (my boner for yous that haven't been keeping up...) to stay for the entire play time.  One is supposed to take it thirty minutes to an hour prior to nekked frolicking.  Since my Nekked Play Pal was my supplier, I had to wait 'til he got to me for me to take it.  I swallowed it while he was in the shower and waited anxiously for Abe Froman to show up screaming, "Here I am to save the gay!!", but he sure took his sweet time.  My squeaky clean Nekked Play Pal was soon on top of me and I was torn between enjoying the attention he was pouring all over me and worrying that Abe Froman hadn't even seen his Facebook event invite and wouldn't show.  Suddenly, Abe Froman was there, as if he'd just come from the gym, all hard and strong and I was free to enjoy all the excitement.  I felt like I hadn't felt in years.  Abe Froman and I were best friends again!  Then, I guess he went to get a drink, because I realized he wasn't there.  Then he came back, but then left again.  When my Nekked Play Pal's attention turned to Abe Forman, it was like Abe was there, but watching GAME OF THRONES on t.v.  I said to my neked play pal, "Let's give it a little more time".  I wasn't sure exactly how long it had been since I took it, but I was sure it had been over half an hour.  I started wishing that Abe Froman could be a more reliable friend.  So finally, Abe Froman was there, at full attention and we got busy, again with me torn between enjoying myself with the physical & emotional sensations, and worrying that Abe Froman would leave me again.  That's when I panicked and a sped things up, anxious all the while that I'd go all soft.  My Nekked Play Pal had a very, very nice moment and I breathed a sigh of relief.  I didn't even go for my nice moment, letting making it through with full Abe Froman be enough.  We shared a lovely after-play period talking and laughing and kissing, with Abe Froman checking in once in a while, then we kissed goodbye.

I had heard that the pill would affect Abe Froman for a few days,"Get you through the weekend",  I was told.  Well, the next night, I attended a birthday party at which I met someone I took an immediate liking to, whom, it turned out, liked me me, too!  It was very nice to finally have someone I thought was very attractive like me in return.  We liked each other so much, we excused ourselves to a room, where we explored further physical attractions.  Again, Abe Froman was very sketchy and at the key moment, he wasn't all there.  I panicked.  Luckily, we were interrupted and the exploration immediately ended.  We both agreed that we would prefer to have a proper date and then do more exploring in an actually private place.   So, while I'm ecstatic that I got a date, I am still worried that even with the help of the little blue pill, I can't count on Abe Froman to stay with me in important moments.   I guess this should be the impetus for me to lose weight, or get healthy enough to have sex without anxiety.  The real question now is, will I choose laziness over healthy sex with the hot hunky guy who likes me?  I don't know either, folks, I'm just as curious as I hope you are!

P.S.  To further add to my confusion & frustration, Abe Froman is with me every morning and night for daily work outs, so I don't know what his problem is!  Oh my God, what if even my own boner is losing interest in me?

Gay Of A Certain Age -Abe Froman's Day Off

Let's begin today's entry with a hop into the Way Back Machine and travel to 1986.
It was a year of tragedy with Chernobyl and the Challenger Space Shuttle exploding.
It was a year of happiness with MAGNUM P.I. as the number one show and the introduction of the Omnibot 2000!  It was also the year that John Hughes gave us FERRIS BUELLER'S DAY OFF.
I mention that because you should know who Abe Froman is. Abe Froman is the name that Ferris steals off of the reservations list to get a table for him and his friends in a swanky restaurant.  The host is dubious, because Ferris seems much too young to be Abe Froman, The Sausage King of Chicago.

You should know who Abe Froman is because, at a time when guys gather together and proclaim a name for their private part, I named mine Abe Froman.   You should know I did this in order to bring the whole thing full circle and explain the title of today's entry.  You see, I was having "fun" with a male friend of mine, naked, and right in the middle of the fun, my Abe Froman decided to take the day off.  It's crazy! I was mortified.  I couldn't understand it. We were "playing" nicely, footloose and panty free, when I thought it might be fun do gymnastics and do a half-back flip without "dismounting."  It seem to go well, until I landed and not only did I not stick the landing, I totally slipped off the mat!  My friend was very kind while I tried not to freak out about it, because I know the more you freak out about it, the less likely Abe Froman is to return.  We played other games in hopes that Abe would just pop up, but no.  I think he went to the MET to admire art or something.  I helped my friend finish his game, then we went out for lunch.  We had delicious savory crepes, while we chatted and laughed.  After lunch, as we were saying good bye, we had one of of those good bye kisses that leads to another with a giggle, that leads to another.  While we were in the middle of this long goodbye, who should turn up, but Abe Froman saying, "What did I miss?"  My friend noted his arrival and said he looks forward to playing again soon.

First, my friend is such a sweetheart for not making an issue of Abe's desertion of us.  This isn't the first time we've played, there have been some very nice and exciting play dates before, this was just one where we decided to play full-contact.  I have no idea what happened to Abe.  I enjoy my friend's company very much, he actually excites me and we get along very well when not in the sandbox.  Honestly, if all we did was cuddle in the sandbox, that would be enough (SHUT UP!)  That's good, because, at the very least, he knows Abe likes him very much.  I know Abe likes him, too!  So where did he go?  I wish he could talk to me and tell me.  Abe and I are together very often, at least once a day, AT LEAST.  That lets me know he doesn't mind being around me.  So what is it?  Am I too fat?  Is this a weight thing?  Could Abe be affected by my weight?  Am I too old?  Does Abe get bored of my stories and leave sooner now?  I'm only 47, is that when every guy's Abe leaves them with no notice?  I'd hate to think that I have to offer Abe some blue candy to stay with me.  Do I have to get little blue candies, now?  Do they mold?  I rarely get the opportunity to play, so I don't know how often I'd be using them and it would suck if I finally got to play with someone and have them come out of the back of the medicine cabinet all furry and green.  I suppose I could do my yearly check up, now and ask my terribly handsome doctor if there is a logical, non-scary explanation for Abe's absence.  I can't have it.  I like Abe a lot!  I think he's a righteous dude.

FU Cupid - ManShunt

I'm not one to invest much time in the on-line dating sites,
and I'm even less likely to spend any time on the sex getting sites.
Don't get me wrong, I'm all for getting sex
and if I could just pick up the phone and order in exactly what I want (legally...and for free)
I certainly would.
Simply put, I find that these just for sex sites are insufferable, if not just downright damaging.
Now, it may come as a surprise to you, but I am not an Italian swimsuit model
who hasn't eaten in two weeks with 12 pack abs,  and it seems that that's what you need to be
in order for these sites to work optimally for you.  I'm not gonna get into "wah, wah, wah, poor schlubby me," because there's something I can do about my appearance,
I'm not even going the fantasy route and "Wah, wah, wah why don't guys super hotter
want to have sex with me?"  I'm just thinking, why can't I put my stuff up and shop around
without feeling like I'm walking an ISIS gauntlet.  Today, I'm specifically talking about MANHUNT.

I knew what that site was before I entered my email and started creating my profile.
The main reason I was signing up is I had a friend who seemed to be having great success,
he was encouraging me and there was a free three month trail period.

Despite said friend's advice, I put up my face pic as my profile photo.
SIDE BAR:  Said friend used his very nice & hot body pic for his profile,
got into messaging foreplay with another nice & hot body headless profile and when it
finally came to "your place or mine, let's trade face pics" it turned out to be
someone he knew and really disliked.  I like to avoid that.

My profile was honest and "what you see is what you get", with hopes of finding other realistic
average to schlubby guys.  If God created me for any reason, that reason is for me to tell you
THERE AIN'T ANY.
In any case, seeing as how I had only 3 months to determine whether this is a service I'd continue to utilize and pay for, I set off on my International Male catalog shopping adventure.
As some of you guessed, I spent hours scouring profiles, sending initial messages,
avoiding messages I didn't want and other frustrating activities for that one "Maybe" that
always disappeared by the end of the night.  So I stopped after a week.

Then, I was in Las Vegas for a weekend, still within that 3 month trial, so why not?
If I thought that it was disappointing to swim through the "no fats, no fems" at the end of
the LA profiles, I was in no way prepared for the wade through
the landmines of HOSTILE Las Vegas!
Most of the profiles consisted entirely of what they didn't want.  At least 90% started with,"no one over 30 years old!"  95% started with the phrase "If you are..."
I didn't even get passed the first page and already I was ready to jump out the 12th floor window.
Maybe the strategy there is that if everyone knocks you down to an insecure puddle of
goo on a multicolored, polka dot-diamond-paisley patterned carpet, then you'll just be grateful
for whatever you get if you're brave enough to approach someone.
I bravely stuck it out and I did get a response.  I had a guest in my room that night, who didn't
look quite like his profile pic, who was well over 30 and just odd enough to make this
former Story Whore, share something at brunch not long after.

During the three month free period, I had 4 hook ups, only one of which looked like his picture,
was a genuinely nice person and a fun romp.  As much as I enjoyed him,
I don't think it was worth the hours of torturous assaults from anonymous men letting me
know how much they didn't want me, without even having spoken a word to me.
I don't think that the three month was free, there certainly was a price that my self-esteem paid.
Lucky for me, my self-esteem has a strong survival instinct and it pulled me away from
my computer and into the streets, where the super hot guys are less likely to be so hostile to my face.

DISCLAIMER:  I've met and know some very nice super hot guys.  They are real.
...and they have faces!

Gay of a Certain Age - Narratus Interuptus

As a gay of a certain age, I've certainly had my share of adventurous sexcapades.
I didn't come out to myself & others until I was 28 years old, and soon after I was making up
for lost time.  Every weekend seemed like prom night, and since I was young(ish) & vanilla was my flavor of choice, finding someone to bounce jangly parts with wasn't very difficult.  In the past ten years, or so, my adventures have slowed down drastically and seem as likely as The Wizard of Oz being shown on Network T.V.  I nailed a cardboard sign that says "Special" that I twirl whenever I manage to have someone in the bedroom.  The drop in my adventures can be attributed to a few things including, self body image, lack of interest in the pursuit, really good T.V. shows, a great relationship with my hands... But, I would say the biggest reason is that I've stopped being a Story Whore.

I used to be a prolific Story Whore.  That is, if I was not having a good sexual experience I would stay in it so that I'd have a story for the brunch table the next day.  So, if my sex life wasn't great, brunch with friends would be, because who doesn't love a story about sex gone terribly wrong over a protein scramble with avocado?  I used to enjoy reliving the awkward experience, like the time a guy I confessed to that I liked toys (i.e. collectible vinyl figures) invited me to his place where he had toys to show me.  His were building blocks with baby Muppets on them.  He also had rubber sheets.  Also, our sex consisted of him blowing me for 90 minutes, to where I was less erect and more puffy & swollen, followed by a request for me to leave my mark on him.  Apparently, peeing on him is where I reached my cut-off.

I'd never set out to have a crazy or lousy sex experience, but when it started going south in the south, instead of leaving I'd buck up because, I think I had convinced myself that it was my duty.  It started happening before Carrie and her friends sat around sharing their sex stories on HBO, but I will say my high tide of Story Whoring was during the run of SEX AND THE CITY.  Whether we meant to be or not, we gay folk were the model the NY foursome who found themselves in many different sexuations.  I suppose that the fun spirit of the show made it more appealing for me.  Why wouldn't I stick around and see how the drunk groom to be, who somehow stumbled into a gay bar in South Beach and wanted me to plow him the weekend of his wedding, would end up? (The ending includes the quote, "Stacy's gonna kill me," at 7:00 am, as he awoke.)  It had to be better than returning to my hotel room alone, right?

I'm not sure when it happened, but I do remember being in the throws of shallow passion and the guy I was with started doing this weird thing that was very much like a blow fish and I consciously told myself, "Leave. Fight the curiosity and leave.  No more."  And with that, I lightly moved his pucker off of me and made a polite excuse and left.  I did not promise to call him later.  I just said, "thank you." and left.  Now, my few sexual encounters are not as easy to come by because of age, and less time spent looking for it in obvious places, but mostly because I'm not as likely to accept just anything.  I no longer think that bad sex is better than no sex.  Bad sex for me is not a matter of judging someone for an odd bit that they are into, or a weird move they are trying out, it's simply a matter of how well we are connecting.  If we're not connecting, being present with each other or I feel like I'm just a handy hole, it's bad sex.  Having someone want to spread orange marmalade on me while wearing a metalic jock and a Mexican wrestling mask is not necessarily a deal breaker, if we're both into it and connecting.

So, I'm still up for an exciting one night stand or friendly sex encounters while I'm single, I'm just not going to go through the motions waiting for the amusing hook, especially because there isn't always one.  I have no problem cutting it short and heading home, or showing them the door.  Now at brunch, my stories of personal empowerment don't get the same reception as my regular bad sex stories did, but my gluten-free french toast tastes a little better.