He Don't Even Know! - Wet

Yeah, I'm wet, too.

Don't Let's Be Literal

Today I learned that Dirk Shafer died.
Dirk played a small role on the road to my gay- He was in the first Playgirl Magazine I bought with a friend (oddly,  I was "not Gay" then).  As we looked through it, I remember saying "He's really good looking and it really is sexier that they are not showing dick."  It was a bit weird to finally get the courage up to buy the magazine to see naked men and it's the issue where they didn't show the stuff!  I learned later in Dirk's MAN OF THE YEAR, that he had convinced them to do it.  Thanks, Dirk!
Who knows, maybe my not seeing the stuff saved me from being Gay before I was ready.
Years later, I moved to LA and eventually met Dirk.  He was handsome, nice and funny.  We weren't quite regular friends, but whenever we saw each other, he always had a hug and a smile for me.  It was the same hug and smile he had for many people- he was well loved and admired.  Beyond his sexiness, he had an infectious positive attitude.  I aspired to be like him.  ...specifically on one night when we were in the same Bachelor Auction in 2008.  It was the night he fetched over $350 for a date with him-I wanted to be like that!  I fetched a very rough $60 that was clearly for charity.  Seriously, why wasn't he saved for last?  So, there we were, on that night, two bachelors side by side and now, roughly seven years later, both single - at least that's what he had listed on his Facebook profile.   Just a glance at his Facebook wall today,  will show you how much he was loved and how many people called him friend.  Although he was single, I don't think Dirk was ever lonely.

He was found in his car, parked near his home.   I choose to imagine he went quietly, without trauma and if he realized he was dying, his last thoughts were not worrying that he didn't love or wasn't loved enough.  Even though he is gone,  I still admire him and I can still aspire be like him- open, friendly, positive and supportive.    Those qualities are really what drew everyone to him, and with all that love, how could anyone feel alone?

Gay of a Certain Age

As a Gay of a Certain Age, I tend to look back on my life, to see why I am the way I am.
I came out, to myself, as well as the rest of the world when I was 28 years old.
I had sex with a woman, twice, within six months- starting on Graduation night.
Then no sex until over ten years later.
I fooled around, once or twice, with a male friend somewhere in there,
 but that left me a little more confused than satisfied.
 I wasn't a gay who hid in the closet and dated women to throw people off the track.  I wasn't a gay who dated men freely and didn't care what others thought.  I was blissfully in denial with myself and ultimately reasoned that I was attracted to guys, but there were girls I liked, so I dated neither;
 it wouldn't be fair to the girls if I went out with them while I was attracted to guys.
 I also didn't date guys because being attracted to guys didn't necessarily mean that I was gay.
So, I wasted ten years of my life, sitting on a fence, not doing anything with anyone
 until one night, while routinely sneaking my roommate's gay porn I realized, "Dude, I'm gay".
Luckily, without even realizing it, I had surrounded myself with gay and gay-friendly people.
 My coming out process was relatively painless- as a matter of fact I said on more than one occassion, "Do me the courtesy of acting surprised."

 I don't care to sit and wonder about who I'd be, or who I'd be with if I hadn't spent ten years of my life forming relationships with the denizens of Knots Landing, rather than actual people.  All I know is those years made me who I am today and I like who I am today.
Still, there is a little part of me that suspects that the reason I'm going to "die alone" is hidden somewhere in that ten year gap and I wonder how I could be in denial for so long.
  I've decided that This is could very well be part of the reason.

He Don't Even Know! - Proud

Proud at L.A. Pride

Gay of a Certain Age

As a Gay of a Certain Age, I've decided that my time off the stage does not need to be spent in the spotlight.  When I see some hyper gay bouncing around, speaking loudly and trying to be everyone's friend, I get so very annoyed.  I get annoyed mostly because I realize that that used to be me.  Certainly, when I was doing that, I wasn't consciously thinking "I must make everyone look at me and like me! LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME!"  I just thought that I was high energy and fun!
Now, I find that I'm okay with not leading a conversation, or even expressing an opinion on a certain subject.  I learned that it is possible to be right all the time, it's just not necessary that everyone knows it.  Of course, I still desire attention, but I no longer desire to put a lampshade on my head and dance on a table.  Now, I put a wig on my head and dance on a stage and (hopefully) earn attention rather than grab it.  Don't get me wrong, I don't retreat to the corners at parties or dinners with friends and I'll take my moments when they come my way- because if someone says, "Danny, Sondheim. Go!"  I'm Being Alive, taking Rose's Turn and Losing My Mind in an instant!  Mostly, I'm comfortable and content sitting calmly, waiting for attention to come to me.  
Now, someone please tell that Lady GaGa spewing Noid to shut the fuck up and sit down.

Too Busy For Love!

When I say I've made myself too busy for love, I mean it!
My dear, caring friends always say, "Why don't you, at least, get a dog?"
Let me start by saying I love dogs!  I love animals in general, but dogs are special because we are on the same wavelength- I don't know if they're as smart as me or I'm as dumb as they are.

(Don't start on a "dogs aren't dumb" rant because I mean it in the most loving way possible and don't tell me you've never seen a dog get his head stuck in a dryer vent!)

Anyway, I love dogs, and it is that love that prevents me from get one... for now.
I have a regular work schedule M-F, but my after work and weekend hours are so irregular and "at a whim" that I don't think it would be fair to inflict that irregularity on a dog.  I know they need stability and a framework of structure.  Fortunately, I know a lot of people who have dogs, who also know I am more responsible than I am coming across here and let me dog sit for them!  I can adjust my schedule  & events around dogs for a short time- It doesn't kill me to miss an impromptu meal after a show once in awhile.  So, while people enjoy their time away from their pets, knowing they're okay, I get my sweet pup loving for a little bit and the dogs get more love than they can stand!  Then, I give them back, free to flit about on a whim, once again.

If I can barely muster the time to be with a being I know for certain I love unconditionally, how can I possibly think I can make time for a boyfriend???
I know, when I find the one I'm really interested in, the time makes itself.
Until that happens, maybe I should start a boyfriend sitting service.

This Why I Am Single

I blame my mother.  She did too good a job of raising a semi-well adjusted, independent son.  While she didn't actually divorce until after I was out of high school, she raised four children by herself.  The man I call "my alleged father" was in and out during that time, and when he was around, he was more of a burden to her than help.  I must have been really spoiled because, growing up I had no idea how difficult it must have been for her.  Now, I have no idea how she clothed and fed four happy children.  I knew, sometimes, that we were doing without, but I never felt lacking in the important things.  There were two or three years that we lived in Government assisted housing and used food stamps, but I never learned to feel any shame about it.   Sure, we kids weren't angels, but today we all are responsible adults and all family gatherings are almost disappointingly drama-free.  I think a large part of the reason we grew up with good attitudes is that my mother spoke to us, when we were naughty; she'd explain to us why what we did was wrong and why we shouldn't do it.  My cousins used to hate getting in to trouble at our house because they'd have to sit through the lecture, they preferred the Spank & Go method.

My mother never told me how hard she was working.  It's just as I look back that I realize how she went to work every day and came home exhausted, made sure we were fed and was in bed by 9 to start all over again.  I also see that I could have made it a little easier on her.  Still, because her schedule was so limited, I learned to do my own laundry, how to hate ironing (I do not iron!), how to cook my own meals and how to deal with minor situations on my own.  I learned how to handle myself, yet I'm not too proud to ask for help if I need it.  (I may try a little too long to try to do something on my own, but ultimately I will make the call.)  So, it is through her example,
and a little to her absence, that I have learned to be fiercely independent.  I'm not saying I don't need anybody, but I will survive if I don't find someone. The most important thing, I can take my time.