Gay of A Certain Age - A Reconsideration of Romance and Love; or Who Was On First?

What is wrong with me?
See this guy?

 His name is Jim.  We held hands and made out & stuff for over 13 months.  We are still friendly now, just not stick our tongues in each others mouths friendly, anymore.  I always call Jim my first and only significant romantic relationship.  Then, I embarked on a project to make my home less cluttered (BIG MISTAKE) and I decided to clear out my photo albums- I took all the photos out and dumped the albums and am now in the very long process of scanning in the photos I wanna keep (which is all of them) and (trying to) tossing the paper photos in the recycle bin.  That when I came across this guy...

His name is Ed.  I forgot how we actually met, but I remember I really liked him and we held hands and made out & stuff  for a few months.

 I know it was a few months because of the photos.  I don't even remember why we stopped seeing each other, but I do know it wasn't a huge dramatic break up...  But why didn't I consider this a significant romantic relationship  before this very moment, 20 years after not dating much, not having more than one other boyfriend and starting a blog called DieAloneWithME.Com??  Maybe Ed and I didn't see each other every day, or as often as Jim and I did over that year.  Maybe I was just an ungrateful piggy and didn't realize what I had.  Maybe it wasn't all that great...  Hmmm.
Anyway, no matter how I felt after not seeing Ed anymore, I've decided that Ed is my first significant romantic relationship.  ...Especially because he was my first OFFICIAL Valentine! 

It's true!  He was the first guy to give me a Valentine's Day card and kiss me with full-on romantic notions behind it all.    I know that because he wrote it all in this; my first official
Valentine's Day Card.

No, I shan't let you read the inside, it's personal. (Has that stopped me before?)

And if being my first Valentine wasn't enough, he took me to my first (AND ONLY) Celine Dion Concert!! 

I know that sounds sarcastic, and I was dubious when he surprised me with the tickets, but I REALLY enjoyed that concert very much!  

Obviously, my friends liked him, 'cause here we are enjoying a game night of sorts...

(Geoff Meed having a physical Outburst)

Hmmm... I don't think I wanna ponder too much on why we parted, I'll just enjoy this nice memory brought to me by the horrifically bad idea of de-cluttering my home.

And yes, these did spark joy...

P.S. Astute readers may notice that my top pic and my other pic with Jim are both birthday celebrations for me.  Skeptical readers might ask, "If you were together for only 13 months, how did you spend two birthdays together?"  Most readers wouldn't give a shit... but I'll explain anyway.  I had two celebrations one year.  Jim had a nice dinner for me at Off Vine, where he invited some of my closest friends and a few of his lovely friends I still love and enjoy.  The second was a surprise celebration my, then, roommate Kris threw for me at El Coyote with my, then, boyfriend, Jim and a bunch of his own friends (whom were all nice and fun...)  So I'm not lying about this stuff, no matter what the surface appearance my indicate.   

...or wait... Did Jim and I start in September, with my birthday right away, then.. aw Crap!

This Is Why I Am Single- Guest Column

One day, recently, I was on that Facebook contraption and I happened upon my friend George Unda's post, (He's an honorary DAB - Die Alone Buddy).  I thought, while I read it, that this is quite dead-on with the spirit of DieAloneWithMe.Com. and I think may help some of y'all that might be going through stuff.  In order to not be a spoiler, I will simply get to it.

George writes:

In my adult life, I’ve only had two mentionable relationships.

My first that lasted 13 years. (17 to 30)
My second that lasted a little under 2 years (30 - 31) But remained intimate friends for a total of 6 years.

While both were polar opposites on the surface, the deep kernel proved to me the they were very much alike in the dynamics that make us functional/dysfunctional.

My first was hypersexual, while my second was practically non-sexual.

My first was impulsive, crass, chaotic and fun, while my second was erudite, methodical and tightly-wound.

Both were intense in demonstrating intimacy and compassion, but both always ONLY did this on their terms and their way.

Both were incredibly self-observed, and lacked empathy and compassion when things weren’t about them. And both had a visceral cruelty and callousness when things finally didn’t serve their benefit.

Both, as I’ve come to understand now, are narcissists.

At first, this realization hit me hard. Feelings of resentment were mixed with feelings or realization and relief. And when I finally understood the correlation to my romantic choices in life, I came to discover something incredibly deep about myself:

I picked these men, not out of love, but our of familiarity for the man in my life that acted the same way. My father.

I became my mother, whom had/has spent all her life trying to fulfill the recognition of a man that barely gave her any.

My sister has done the same thing with her toxic and abusive husband, whom this very day has been the crux of our family dissolve.

So it was at the very moment that I discovered my tendency to search out “LOVE” in men that are so easily attractable, and so charismatic in getting you in their grasp when they want, but can flip on you like a light switch with little to no remorse, that was when I KNEW, that my happiness can and forever WILL only come from ME.

That knowledge, while complex and deeply seated in behaviors and traumas that will take years to re-direct, will and has allowed me to have the perspective of what real love is.

That is why it is SO much better to be single, respectable and on your own, than coupled, but very much alone.

My advice to you all this Valentine’s Day is, respect yourselves. All you single and coupled alike.

For those of you coupled and living a lie, and fearing loneliness, understand that breaking that fear of rejection and loneliness will give you new life, strength and happiness in the end.

And for those of you, single, depressed and alone, remember that you’re not alone. Your integrity is secured. Your value, intact. And you will neither sacrifice those or yourself for a lie, not until you are at peace to find true love, without rush, without desperation, simply out of blithe happenstance.

Holiday Memory - The Play Was the Thing

I really enjoy the holidays

and I absolutely enjoy my friends, 

the two together are just too much

and I feel very lucky to have them!

This is me, muh DAB, Dennis and my cousin, Tony

seven years ago.

We met up and enjoyed the seasonal decorations at the Americana in Glendale.

Dennis and I had just seen The Rainmaker at A Noise Within

and we've been enjoying shows there together ever since!

I love that Dennis enjoys all kinds of theatre

and that we are tight theatre buddies

as well as Die Alone Buddies!

Tony is married, 

so he can't be muh DAB.

He's fine as a cousin!

It's just at times like now

that I enjoy all the love I have coming at me

instead of worrying about the love

I may be missing.

As they say,

"Two in the hand is better than

one in the brambles"

...or something like that.