Sunday, March 22, 2015

He Don't Even know! - Fuzz Face!


Here's my happy "boyfriend"!
I call him "Fuzz Face" and calls me "You".
He spends a lot of time shirtless, which I don't mind.
I especially like it during the holidays, 
when I hang various ornaments from his nipple rings.
My favorite thing about Fuzzy is
he likes to read TALES OF THE CITY
aloud to me in bed.
Best of all,
he lets me read Mona's parts!

Saturday, March 21, 2015

This is Why I am Single - I Dunny Know!


What you see in my hand is a Dunny.  It is a 3 inch vinyl toy from Kidrobot.
Not too long ago, I went nutsy for collecting these things.  I have, literally, hundreds of these little guys in my home.  I have more than I want because of a brilliant marketing ploy called the blind box. Blind Box means you purchase the little fucker without knowing which one is in there.  That's right, I could buy four boxes at $10.99 each and  could have potentially bought 4 of the same one.  Each set of artist designed vinyl thingies consists of 16 or so designs, with a few variants, along with a list of odds for attaining each figure.  So, if you get the 1 in 600 odds one, you can go directly to eBay and sell it for, maybe, $200 or so.
Not me!  I collect these for the fun of it.  Or the sport of it.  Maybe I have a budding gambling problem.  I get some of the same feelings when I'm going to yank the arm that may send GODZILLA on a rampage in the penny slot machine in Vegas.  I'm not spending all I've got on these fellas.  I've developed a money saving strategy for purchasing these, now, but once in awhile I'll buy two or three boxes for the chance that I've gotten one of the really hard ones to get!
I learned something about myself when I began collecting this and who would have thunk it? Who knew I was such a completist?  I find that I will work very hard to get the complete set of Dunnys for each collection. I've completed a few of them, but I find I have limits and will go without if the last one I need is more than I'm willing to pay.  Otherwise, I'm on top of it, scouring eBay and the likes, trying to find that 1 in 600 piece that someone's willing to part with for not too crazy a price.  My completist tendencies don't end with Dunnys.  One weekend, I spent a crapload of late night hours on Hulu Plus trying to watch all of the PUPPET MASTER movies.  It's a cheesy series featuring killer marionette puppets from the 80's that waiver in quality as they go, but I MUST SEE THEM ALL!
Also, I do enjoy photography, and they all make such willing models.  As you can see from these shots, they'll stand still in almost any situation!  Another reason the Dunnys appeal to me is because I like colorful plastic things.  If I had the decorating skills, my home would be like walking into a David LaChappelle set-up in Ikea. But I don't have the skills, so it doesn't.  That doesn't mean my place is a mess, with Dunnys and other vinyl crap strewn about...  Most of my obsessions are represented in contained areas and small displays.
I know not everybody is into colorful plastic or they may find this childish attraction to toys symptoms of a Peter Pan complex, but I can't imagine giving these guys up!  I said before, I buy these because I enjoy them, not because I wanna make a profit trading & dealing on eBay.  Why would I have all of these nutty colorful things and not display them?  No closet for them!  I look at the above photo and I see multitudes of happiness in 3X3 squares.  This affection for plastic is the equivalent of the broken down lazee-boy chair that makes its way into every cliche movie about the guy moving in with his girlfriend.  I know some of you love optimists are saying, "When you find someone you really love, you'll be willing to give these up for them."  Well, how's about they love me so much they let me keep them?  Or, maybe if I find someone who really loves me and is well enough off that he has a few extra rooms, he lets me have my obsession room? (put together by a qualified interior designer).
So, for now, I am single, but I'm kept company by hundreds of 3 inch (and some 8 inch) colorful friends.  One of my favorites is the one above.  Sometimes we'll watch TV together and we'll laugh at the same things.  He gets me.  (not actually- I do not treat these figures as actual beings- I was being funny- They're plastic! - They don't talk to me!) This is why I am single.

Friday, March 20, 2015

He Don't Even Know! - The Fighter


I love imagining my Fighter boyfriend!
Here he is at the NO ON 8 March in
down town LA.
He's so politically active that we keep spare
wooden poles and poster boards under the bed.
I love that he's all about equal rights for everyone,
very firm, but fair
and will sing Popular from WICKED with me at the drop of a hat!

Now, if I could only get him to take us to marches 
that start after 9:00 AM...

Thursday, March 19, 2015

FU Cupid - The Sites


I currently have a profile up on OkCupid. I think it might be a little too quirky, but it's honest.
I might worry that I'll scare guys off with my Kids In The Hall quote for the I SPEND A LOT OF TIME THINKING ABOUT... section.  I think it's hilarious, but I suppose most guys are convinced I'm psychotically obsessed with some ex-lover named, Tony.  One very young would-be suitor sent me a message asking who Tony was.  I replied "We're all Tony" and got no response.  Sure, I'm scaring off millions of would-be suitors who don't get it, but think of the connection I'll probably have with the few that do get it and respond! ...the very few.  ..the none, yet.
The fact that my entire profile is some kind of test is a This Is Why I Am Single entry for later.  I'm here to bitch about the dating sites themselves.  My first target is OkCupid- Ugh!  I'm not a fan of on-line dating because I'm not into catalog shopping.  You know,  you see the picture, you order it and when it arrives, it's nothing like the picture!  It's not the right size!  It's broken!  It took weeks to arrive!  COD!  I much prefer window shopping.  You see it from the street, you go in, you check it out and then decide if you want to take it home.  No muss, no fuss.

I was encouraged by OkCupid because of the compatibility questions.  What a great idea; a series of general questions where you compare your answers with the answers of possible boyfriends!  I went nutsy answering a crap-load of them, (775 of them to be precise)!  I figured the more information, the better!  Imagine finding the guy that answered all 775 questions the same way I did! What a match!  The site takes these answers and matches them up with everyone else, so when you look at their profile, it automatically tells you the percentages of your compatibility- "Daniel Craig is 99% your Match; 1% your enemy" (The 1% difference is we disagree on favorite Bonds- he likes Roger Moore!). Not only do you answer your questions, you rate how important the answer is to you; "A little, somewhat, Very" as well as answers you'll accept; "Yes, no, Any of the above" to further help the analytics match you up! Very scientific for a site named after a Roman myth! This is going to rock!
Then, I started reading and comparing answers. The guys I thought were hot and compatible, turned out, not so much. The way they answered their questions started upsetting me. My Judge Judy response was on high! "How can you love dogs but not accept that I love dogs AND cats? How could it be THAT important to you?", "You think the Adam and Eve story should be taught along side Evolution? But your eyes are so gorgeous!","You're Republican?? But you said 9 TO 5 was your favorite movie!", "You're unsure if you enjoy dark, violent, or disturbing music, but you won't accept if I do when I'm in the mood? But your pecs are so big!"
I soon felt that the questions I answered were just 775 opportunities to think these guys are assholes before I even meet them! God only knows what they thought of me! I looked closer at some of the answers, what they are willing to accept and concluded that if one does not take time to read the instructions, it's easy to mess up the whole thing.  If it doesn't make sense that someone is ambivalent about a subject, but is so strongly opposed to your answer, they probably didn't click the right box.  It's all too detailed and delicate.  So now, I can't pay too much attention to the % of compatibility because I know they are wonky and the only information I can truly use to determine whether someone is my potential boyfriend is by the information they provide in their profile. Just like every other site.  So, FU, Cupid!  You're not so special!
And don't get me started on the questions that ask if you would ever be friends with a homosexual, or if you would ever date someone with a gay brother!  Would it kill a Roman God to, at least, figure the compatibility of their questions to their clients?  Fuckin' Cupid.

P.S. The above photo is my catalog shot- it is untouched.  I look like that, but I don't LOOK like that, you know?

Wednesday, March 18, 2015

He Don't Even Know - Lens Crafter


Here's my photographer "boyfriend".
What I like most about being with him
is I never have to worry about gravity & face torque
because I always have the biggest smile for him!
He loves being behind the camera, 
while I enjoy being the model in his
crazy David LaChapelle-like photos.
My favorite was when I gripped 
a strategically placed big jalepeno
while lying naked on a giant bed of nachos.
After that shoot, 
we played in the nacho cheese for hours!

Tuesday, March 17, 2015

This why I am Single - Face Torque


Being a legend in my own timer, I think it's odd that I'm not totally aware of what my face is doing in photographs.  As in the picture above; I thought I was giving a pleasant "I'm happy to be where I am at this moment" smile.  Instead I got "I wonder what that itch on my calf is" flat mouth.  I thought the photo turned out well enough, left the great lighting & background, and moved on.  It wasn't until later, while filing the photo away on Flickr that I realized- I'm flirting all wrong!
Even though I'm a generally happy guy, I realized that unless I'm doing a genuinely big toothy smile or crazy over the top mouth-open gay smile, my face isn't doing what I thought it was.
All this time when I thought I was giving a guy a nice, friendly smile- no teeth, 'cause I'm playing it cool- I was actually giving them flat mouth nothing!  At least, I can be sure I wasn't giving them a frown, but instead of giving off a light smile that said, "Hi, I'm friendly and I think you're attractive, I'd sure enjoy it if you thought the same of me, "  I was actually giving them a look that said, "I breath. Fire good. Don't pee on me."
As a Gay of a Certain age, I have to give gravity its due.  I might have to admit I have a bitchy resting face, and actually have to work to make a pleasant smile.  Now, I'm afraid that I don't know how to gauge my facial muscles and will go in the opposite direction and start giving a crazy-ass toothy grin like a cartoon dog going nutsy for Beggin' Strips. This is not fun. How could something as simple as slightly lifting the corners of my mouth turn into a carefully calculated exercise in desperation?

Hopefully, I'll manage to get the right face torque to convey the appropriate smile, but in the meantime, if you've seen me walking down the street and our eyes met, I thought you were cute and I don't want to beat you up.

Monday, March 16, 2015

He Don't Even Know!- Camper


This is my "Boyfriend", Logan.
He's prepared a lovely tent
for us to go camping
somewhere between 
West Hollywood and Santa Barbara. 
I love that he thought to bring
Human Rights Campaign material
to read by campfire light.