This Is Why I Am Single - The Look Away of Love

Today I had to deal with a car issue, that is not worth getting into,
what is worth getting into is the guy who helped me at the repair place.
(I'm pretty sure I mean that the way it sounds)
See the thing is, he was handsome.  He wasn't a hot stud model man,
he was just a nice, good looking guy and I was digging him hard.  I was a little distracted
by what was going on inside me, and I worked hard to listen to what he was telling me.
It got to where I could not look at him!  I was worried we'd make eye contact and I'd be busted for my rapidly developing crush.

This is why I am single; when I'm in a setting that is not specifically gay, i.e. a bar, a party, a Broadway show... I immediately break down and avert my eyes from a guy  I find attractive.  I dare not make eye contact for fear of revealing my vulnerability, or worse, getting a severe ass kicking.
There have been three specific instances (two before I realized I was gay) when in non-gay settings, I made direct eye contact with a guy.  We were locked on.  I swear, in each instance, there was an intense lock and we could not stop staring.  Simultaneously, there was an energy passing between us that could have been undeniable attraction or extreme unmitigated hate.  It happened once at a Kroger's in Galveston Texas with a typically 80's looking hunk-bagger two aisles away, another time with a cutie pie-hunk co-worker at Gasoline Alley across a bar and one time, across the table with my cousin's roommate in Santa Maria- we locked eyes and stared intensely for over a minute- I have no idea who saw this at the Kroger's or Gasoline Alley but there we stood surrounded by people, burning holes into each others souls for who knows how long, exactly.  Then suddenly, they all ended the same way, a sudden snap, then a gasp for air and the look down and away.  I have no idea if any of those guys turned out to be gay, but those moments were exhilarating and frightening.  It was never acknowledged by tho co-worker or the roommate, as if it had never happened.

I guess, now I just skip to the eyes down when I feel like that in an unfamiliar setting.
The ironic thing is, in a bar or at a party, I can sometimes just summon the gumption and approach a guy with no problem or qualm about letting him know what I have in mind.  When I walk down the street, I walk with my head up and ready to make eye contact with whomever comes my way.  I notice most people will look down or away as we get closer and cross paths.  I smile, and think to myself, "why so shy?"  That is until it's a guy I find terribly attractive, then I have to work very hard to keep my eyes up.  So, if we're out in a not specifically gay setting and I don't look at you, it means I like you!

The Trials Of Man Solo - A Certain Kind of Death

When you visit a blog named DieAloneWithMe.Com,
you know you gotta consider the literal aspect of dying alone.
I know I've thought about it often.  You don't have to be elderly to die in your apartment
and lay there for days before people realize you're missing, then either look for you
or get informed by the apartment manager who smelled the stench of death.
I've imagined all kinds of interesting accidents that would leave me dead and waiting for discovery.
There's the one where I'm dancing like an idiot, trip over my own foot, slam my head on the
corner of my entertainment center and lay unconscious bleeding out on the carpet.
Or the one where I'm in the kitchen and am so hungry I pop six gluten-free mushroom ravioli
from Gelson's in my mouth all at once, then choke on them.  I desperately throw myself on the
floor to try to get a good rush of air to push the tasty Italian treat out, but I don't get it quite right and stay on the floor choking and ouching from the unsuccessful throw down, I pass out & die.
My absolute favorite is the one where I slip in the shower and fall through the glass shower door, in just the right way to completely cut myself entirely in half, leaving a gruesome & awful mess.
I have a great circle of friends, but honestly, I think I'd be down for at least two days before someone got worried enough to come looking for me.  Yes, contemplating my own lonesome death can be a little depressing, but with some morbid imaginings, it can be kind of fun, too!

If the subject hasn't scared you off, might I suggest for your morbid viewing curiosity,
a documentary I stumbled upon a few years back that has stayed with me.
It's called A CERTAIN KIND OF DEATH and it's about people whose job it is to identify the
dead who are all alone in the world, with little clue who they are.  It is depressing but fascinating!
You can catch it on the Video On Demand sites or HERE, on the YouTubes.
Watch it alone for full effect!

I'd watch it alone with you, but I have to set up a daily appointment with one of my DABs,
in order to lessen the likelihood of such a demise.

HISTORIC EVENT - Beyond the Sandwich

On June 26, 2015
the Supreme Court of the United States decided in favor of same-sex marriage.
while getting married is not happening in the near future for me,
this decision put my blog at risk.  Yes, it lessens the likelihood that I will die alone-
a l'il bit.  I din't want to seem totally nonchalant about the whole deal, as if it doesn't mean
anything to me.  Sure, I'll find the humor in it and post about soon being able to marry
a sandwich that I really enjoy, but the decision means more than simply the right to be
married to the man I love in the future.
It also means that I am not less of a person.  I certainly don't need a piece of paper, a law,
or ignorant people's approval to let me know my worth, but it can wear a person down some.
Even though I know who I am and am happy with the person that I have grown into and become,
it can get a little grating to pop on to the Facebook, turn on the t.v. or read headlines and see
what a terrible person I'm supposed to be because I may love a person of the same sex.  It's hard
to hear that God and Jesus hate me because of who I love, that I am such a disgusting person that
I deserve to be murdered in the street, that I am so vile someone will not sell me a pizza, that I am intrinsically evil and a threat to heterosexual marriages and the family unit, just by declaring my love.
Seeing that all day, every  day can wear a person down whether they know it or not.
It's also exhausting being used as a political pawn by Republican assholes who play the gay
card for their religious zombies, who'll vote "yes" on anything so long as Jesus' named is stamped on it and it's against the demonic homosexuals.

What this decision does is let those people know that they are wrong.  I don't don't deserve less because I don't love a woman.  I don't need their God's permission to be legally married to a man, anymore than they need the Muslim God's permission to pray to Jesus.  My right to marry is not a political tool to get them to the polls any more than their right to free speech as a heterosexual is for me.  I am just as much a person as they are.  It means that if I die alone, it's because I chose it, not because a group of people say I can't be with someone.  This is no longer why I am single.

He Don't Even Know! - Dwan of the Apes

"Tom"!

Dearest Tom.

I sigh.

 I imaginary love him

because he is so reliable!

He's sweet as pie, 

caring and supportive

and quite the lover,

but I love him most

because he is always there.

When he says he's going to do something,

he does it.

When he sets a goal,

he achieves it.

And when he says he's gonna make me feel like

Jessica Lange in KING KONG (1976)

he freakin' does it!

No amount of animal, banana, giant ape dick 

jokes could even begin to describe what he does!

And most importantly, 

after a night of hot love making,

when I roll over in the morning

he's there. 

LOVE WINS! - My Plan Is On Track!! -UPDATED!!

This morning, the Supreme Court of the United States

decided that same-sex marriage is legal in all 50 states!

that's FANTABULOUS!!!

I don't even have a boyfriend,

so why am I so ecstatic?

Because, Gentle Reader, now I am one step closer

to realizing my true goal!

Maybe those over-the-top-Republicans 

aren't as nutty as you may think!

A couple of them came close to wrecking my plan,

but the Gays, with strict adhesion to the Gay Agenda

(The Real one, not the one taken and adapted

by Bobby Trendy's break away group, 

which most gays ignore and know is 

heresy to follow,)

have thwarted them!

Now, I am ever so closer!

The door has been opened this morning!!

NOW, I AM ONE STEP CLOSER 

TO BEING ABLE TO MARRY

THE MONTE CRISTO SANDWICH 

AT DISNEYLAND!!!

SCREW YOU, 

RIGHT WING NUNU HEADS!!

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAH

YOU CAN'T STOP ME NOW!!

THE DOOR IS OPEN!!!

(My apologies to the many dogs I love,

but if things don't work out with me

and my sandwich, 

I'm sure to give 4 of you a call.

Maybe one day, I'll be able to marry all four of you AND the sandwich,

but let's take this fight one battle at a time.)

Since I've posted this, tens of people haven't really asked,
so I'll tell you all at once,
Yes, I am gluten-free,
but once it is legal for us to marry
I am willing to convert to Glutenism
so that my sandwich and I can be together!
Right now, we're just having fun
(What choice do we have?)
and for the curious,
when we make love,
I just eat him out between the buns.
(Sorry if that's TMI, but nobody asked!)

Gay of A Certain Age - The Pick Up Artist

Is it weird that I can't pass by a penny on the street without picking it up?
There was a time in my life not long ago, when I would see a penny or some other
coin on the street and pass it by, feeling it had little worth.  I'd think, "I don't need that", or "Let someone else find it, they probably need it more than I do."  Now, I must stop to pick it up.
There's even been times that I've taken a few steps back to get it, after reverting to
that old attitude.

As a Gay of A Certain Age, I've come to see the the waiting coin as something else.
It is a gift from the universe (or God), it is a good symbol that I will be provided for,
that I am fortunate.  How could I possibly just pass that by?  How could I say "no" to
good will?  It's not all about monetary worth, either.  Picking up that coin reminds me
that I have a very full life, I'm very busy and active, and while I don't have a partner and
have moments of loneliness, I am not alone.  I have great friends, a fabulous family and wonderful creative outlets.  I get to indulge myself often.  Now I feel if I thumb my nose at a penny on
the street, I'm thumbing my nose at all of that.  So, whenever I see a round piece of metal on
the ground, I will stop, maybe even take a few steps out of my way, and pick it up.
I think that's how good stuff works, in general- you've got to stop for a second and accept it.
Whether it's a penny on the street, a friend offering to help or a flirtatious smile from a stranger,
just stop for a second and accept it.

He Don't Even Know! - Enter Me Laughing

OMG, "Ronnie"!

I totally imagine loving "Ronnie", so much!!

Do I even have to explain?

"Ronnie" is a friggin' hoot!

He is so much pretend fun, 

that sometimes I get hard while laughing!

It's true!

He's the kind of imaginary boyfriend that inspires

me to use exclamation points with everything!

His imaginary friends are a blast, too, 

but "Ronnie" puts the 

"HEEEE" in my heeeeeart!

We have great sex!