Tuesday, December 15, 2015

Gift Ideas For the Dying Alone - Go Fluffy!

The holidays are coming up faster than we'd like to acknowledge, and we're losing precious shopping time to doubts in our heads about what is a great holiday gift!!  I am here to help.  As one of the Dying Alone, I've taken great care to think, "What would I like as a Christmas gift?" and have some suggestions you may find helpful.

I spend a lot of time in my shower thinking, 'What if I slip & fall and hurt myself in a way that I can't get up and call for help.  What if I just lie here a while before I die?'  That's why I think all Dying Alones would really love a really cushy bath mat!

Imagine yourself, prone, with your face pressed against the bathroom floor, trapped there for a day or two before you finally bleed out.  What would be more comfortable than furry memory foam, holding your face, like an angel's hand?  And if it's absorbent, that's a bonus for the folks from the county who have to clean up the mess of a decaying body. (Lucky you're close to the tub!)  If you think it's not substantial enough of a gift, give several in various colors, who wants to die knowing for certain that the final color they'll see is beige or sea foam? Mix it up to keep the dying guessing!

Another gift idea inspired by my dying alone, comes in the form of somebody's departed beloved.
I live alone, without a pet, because I'm too busy for love or an animal that depends on me for his feedings and poopy breaks.  Wouldn't it be great to have a pet I don't have to worry about while I'm on stage doing a show immediately after my full time job?  How about getting a Dying Alone one of these?

A fluffy stuffed animal!  Not one of those childish, carnival toys, but an actual animal that can look at you with love with its real eyes!  This animal won't pee in the house, beg for food at the table or embarrass you by humping your potential suitor's leg!  Look at that face!  I just want to take this stuffed chihuahua ( ? ) , and place him in bed with me to cuddle & keep me warm on these chilly December nights.  Best of all, he won't sneak up from behind and lick my feet during sex! (That's a task I'd like to save for my fella!)  This is a bundle of unconditioned unconditional love that would make any Dying Alone happy.

There you have it; two great gift giving ideas for your companionless friends!
...or yourself, right?
You don't have to thank me, just get me a date!


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