Sunday, July 19, 2015

This Is Why I Am Single - Ugly Puppies

When I was a mere child my parents took me to see EARTHQUAKE in Sensurround.  Aside from being traumatized and surprised that I actually live in California after being scarred by this movie, I also remember being confused by Eva Gardner calling Lorne Greene "Daddy".  I thought they were husband and wife, seeing as how she must have been 3 years his senior.  Now, I delight in the cheesy special effects (like the splotch of Tempera Paint that is supposed to be blood after an elevator car crashes down, killing everyone inside.) and the bad acting.  I especially delight in how frightened I was by some very schlocky moments in the movie.

This Is Why I Am Single- I would rather spend the evening with friends watching really bad movies that be out on a date.  Even worse, out on a date with a guy who doesn't delight in the the goodness of bad movies.  Some of my favorites include HANDS OF FATE, TEENAGERS FROM OUTER SPACE, SHOWGIRLS, MOLLY, GREASE 2 and a recent discovery, TIPTOES starring Gary Oldman as a small person, next to Peter Dinklage, an actual small person.  It is delightfully awful, especially in scenes where Gary Oldman sits and there are stuffed pants for his legs, (inspiring the comment of the evening, "Who's doing his legs, Build A Bear?")

There are some people who can not appreciate these gems and consider them a waste of time.  I could not possibly date a person such as this.  Too much of how I view life and relationships has been culled from my learning and patience for bad movies.  If there's one thing I must explain, it's that these movies are like ugly puppies- they try so hard to please and often fail, but you must love them for their effort.  If one can't see that in a movie, how could they see it in me?

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