Wednesday, May 13, 2015

This Is Why I Am Single - The Look of Schlub

So, one time I was at Battery Park in New York,
when I heard someone yelling from behind me.
It was a statue, telling me something no human would;
I'm losing hair on my head.

I'm sure that this has been going on for quite a while,
but now it's become quite apparent.  There's a nice round patch of scalp that
is very visible to people behind me.  There's still some hair over it, but in the
right light, you'd almost expect a cartoon Carol Burnett dressed as a maid to pop
in and start mopping my head.  I'm not typically a vain person so I've done nothing
to hide it, save for keeping my hair short, because the longer it is, the more the strands
band together and look like black veins spilling down from the top of my head.
As an actor, when I was on an episode of REBA, the make up people kindly used
a dark powdery substance to cover the glare, so I didn't look so Ed Asner-y from behind.
I have never done that. I don't even wear hats.  I like hats, I just don't have a hat face.
Actually, I think it goes along with my not liking to wear stuff that makes me feel restricted
and with my big head, there's very little I can wear comfortably.
Also, when I was younger, I vowed not to do any of those crazy things I'd seen older gays
do to hide their gray hair or balding.  No bleach jobs or toupees for me!

This is why I am single, I've never been very concerned for my looks.
I don't know if it stems from low self-esteem or if it's a matter of confidence in other areas,
or if it's just plain laziness, but I honestly don't look in the mirror much over the course of the day.
Sometimes I feel a little guilty, because I know that if I want to attract someone, I should
try to be attractive.  Don't get me wrong, I'm clean and very concerned with how I smell (For the record, I apply antiperspirant/deodorant every day, but don't use cologne- if I do apply a spurt of scent, I prefer to smell like yummy food, like Birthday Cake)  and I do sometimes fret in the mirror over a shirt that really enhances my fatty areas.  Overall, my biggest crime is I don't do anything to enhance my looks.  Unfortunately, when I vowed to myself not to let gray hairs bother me, I had no idea that when they come in, they are very wiry and stick out from the dark hairs shouting, "Look at me! Look at me!", so I confess, I've plucked a few out and snipped the worst offenders.
Maybe that small battle with the defiant grays have sparked a little vanity in me,
because now I'm starting to take notice of stuff and wonder, "How long has that been there?"
Also, although I never make specific visits to the mirror, I am spending a little more time there after
washing my hands in the restroom, taking note.

I guess the take away from this little reflection, for me is,
while I may not care to hide my balding, I do have to work a little bit
to care about how I look to others.  Just because I don't have to look at me all day,
doesn't mean everybody else has to suffer.
BUT, if you ever see me walking down the street wearing an obvious toupee,
please, snatch it off my head and slap me with it. (Careful not to smear my make-up, because if I'm wearing a rug, I'll probably be wearing a skin toned foundation, too.)

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